Hi. My dad had been in the nursing home since November after a bad stroke that left him unable to speak or feed himself. He also needed a lift. He had had another stroke (probably more) 3 years prior at the age of 88 and I witnessed his decline to where he mostly sat in a chair alone in their apartment. The nursing home was amazing so I think he was actually happier there as he received much more attention and more/better food. Those amazing nurses are what likely kept him going for 5 months. My dad even worked toward feeding himself, however slowly. In Feb, we found out that my mom (84) has stage 4 lung cancer that spread to her brain and lymph nodes. They gave her months, maybe weeks to live. My dad passed away April 16th. I am the only one here to manage all of this. Thankfully I was able to consolidate all of their finances before my dad's passing and my mom has allowed me control of paying bills. She can't even log into her bank account, altho to an outsider she is "fine". I am feeling immobilized as I wait for this other shoe to drop. Meanwhile, there's a lot to do to wrap up loose ends after my dad's passing with a celebration of life coming up that will honor both my mom and dad assuming my mom lives to the end of May which seems likely but... with a blood clot in her neck and chest possibly more and the brain cancer anything could happen between now and then. I don't recall a time of being this immobilized, although I am able to do what needs to be done for my mom (i live 50 minutes from her). My mom by the way is living independentally but has hospice care so we're ready for any sudden change, which the oncologist said is likely. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
You need to take a deep breath and believe you can handle all of it, because you are stronger than you know. You proved this as you had the where with all to get the finance's figured out before you father past. I did this as well. Good job!
This is an incredibly important time in your life as you have just lost your father and your mother is so ill, so spend as much time with your mother as you can, if that is something you are comfortable with (not sure of your relationship). The reality is she will be leaving, perhaps soon, and even if you just sit with her, watch a show, read to her, read each of your own books together in the stillness, or if she is up to it, spend some time remembering your life together and as a family. Many times when someone is ill, those around them don't know what to say, but you don't have to be fearful of talking, telling your mother how important she is to you, that you appreciated your childhood, the vacations, the days you laughed your heads off, the sweet pets you had, the crazy neighbors, or family members, or whatever speaks to you to bring up. Every family is unique.
There are so many decisions when you take over care of someone's life, but you don't have to make decisions about everything all at once. You can wait to have a memorial service. In this instance it may be that your mother may live many months, but if not, and it's only until the end of May, then having a memorial service for them together is something to consider and considerably less expensive. (I was an event planner for years, so I know of what I just suggested).
This is a time for reflection, and yes it gets sad, and upsetting, and you feel like you are being pulled in many directions, however as time goes on, you will remember them and smile and it becomes less about loss, and more about the grace God gave you in having them for your parents.
Please remember selfcare. Doing simple things to help you through the days. Like buying flowers for your kitchen, or seeing a friend for a movie,, splurging on a few special chocolates in a boutique to savor later, sitting in the sun and letting the warmth spread over you, or reaching out to others who have also lost their loved ones and just talking about how you are feeling.
Now, I do not know your situation, but I will share with you what I believe, and I am Christian, but I also acknowledge all other religions, and see wisdom in them. I know I will see my beautiful mother again, on the other side. I also know that my parents are both fine there. If you keep an open mind, you may see signs they may send you. I have many times. I've had birds tapping at my windows, a piano note played late at night as I had a meltdown missing her, yet the cover was on the keys, and the cats were outside. I've had light's flicker as I spoke out loud to say "I love you Moma," and many more. I bought a few books with quotes and wisdom about death, and when it comes, and the words were comforting and lovely. I've passed them onto others who have also found solace in them.
A good friend told me when I was going through breast cancer, "If God brought you to it, he'll bring you through it."
Take care my Dear. You are stronger than you know and a wonderful daughter as well. Bless you ~
Is it possible to postpone the celebration of life for a couple or few months? I'm suggesting this because it is one stressor that you can control. All the other things are slamming you one after the other, and maybe it would be better to wait for the celebration.
It's fairly common now to allow some time between the honoree's passing and memorial service. If your main concern is that you want mom to go to it, well, that's up to you. But with her health issues, it might be a relief to her not to have to put on a fake "everything's fine, I'm okay" show when she is sick, scared, and upset.
Good luck in sorting all of this out, and peace on your journey.
I never dreamed life would go this way. I find myself like you, feeling immobilized, waiting with anxiousness for the next crisis, the losses I know are imminent. I'm a mom, wife, and business owner. I'm usually able to organize and control things...but not this time. This time I'm stuck waiting and it sucks. Faith is one of the only things keeping me going. This loss of control may be an opportunity for me to realize that I can't control everything, that's it's okay to not be okay. Sorry, I'm rambling. My thoughts and prayers reach out to you. Your journey is unique. No one else has walked your path but please know you're not alone. There are others who genuinely care.
I'm hoping you are your Mom's PoA for medical and financial? If not, please get this to happen. You can go online and download PoA docs appropriate for her home state. You then both need to sign it in front of a notary (either the bank or her City or Town Hall has one for free). Each of you needs your own copy.
She needs to review her beneficiaries of her assets. You will need to submit PoA paperwork to her investment companies, if she has any (like annuities, IRAs, etc). This may take time so start doing this now. She can give verbal permission to manage her finances for now, until she can no longer do this, so don't wait to get that into process.
I'm also hoping she has a Will and you (or someone) is her Executor. Even without a Will her estate will probably need to go into probate (if she owns a home valued at over $75K, for sure). Help her get these protections into place. If she hesitates or resists, remind her that it will help YOU a lot.
I wish you peace in your heart as you help her on this journey.
No wisdom, just a great big warm hug and prayers for peace, strength and guidance in this difficult new season.