My dad is end of life and I live 130 miles away. I visit every other week but have to support family members at home with mental health issues.
I miss my dad so much. I wish he was sitting with me in my garden and feel guilty every time I smile. I feel so guilty if I am enjoying anything like the sun as he would have loved to sit out with me. I feel so numb.
I would love to be with him all the time but my children need me. I feel so lost and just want my dad back. I have nobody to confide in and just feel lost.
Any advice on how to cope and be strong for everyone would be appreciated.
Thanks
As odd as it sounds while you are sitting in the sun talk to him...yes I read that he is 130 miles away... but talk to him just as if he were sitting with you.
You know what responses he would give you for a question you have.
He knows you have obligations to your family. That is what he raised you to do, leave home, have a family of your own.
Obviously he is a good dad. Not everyone can say that. So when you talk to him thank him for your strength, your independence, and for being the caring thoughtful person you are.
You don't have to be strong for everyone.
This is a difficult time for you and your whole family.
Greif is part of life, part of love.
If you need to talk to someone a Therapist is a good place to start.
If dad is on Hospice you can talk to the Hospice Chaplain, the Social Worker.
If you are a member of a Church or other religious group you can ask if there is someone you can talk to.
Try on the other g-word which is a better fit. That's GRlEF. You are mourning the loss of someone you would love to have hold of forever so that he might enjoy with you the beauty of the world. This loss is worth the grieving, isn't it? Try to see also that it gives you a better understanding of what the joy and beauty of a moment means to us. It is often in our losses that we best recognize the joy of life.
I am sorry for your loss, for all of our losses, for we will all have them. It is inevitable. It's important to recognize the joy and celebration amidst the tears. I wish you healing, and good memories of your Dad. He will always be with you; I guarantee that. I am 82 and mine is still carried by my within.
My mother just died at age 100, she had a good life, my brother & I accepted the progression of life, it was time.
Sorry about this, no need to feel guilty, be glad for the many years you enjoyed each others company.
Sending support your way.
You and your dad seem to have had a lot of love for each other, so there is a bond between you that both of you feel, even when you are 130 miles apart. As Grandma1954 put it so well: talk to him while sitting in the sun as if he were with you. He will be around and hear you. And he knows that you love him.
My dad passed last February, and though I spend long hours next to his death bed I wasn't with him the moment when he died. But I found (and still find) him often when I am nature, in one of his beloved bumble-bees, or in the song of a lark. Death is dissolving time and space. We can't grasp it with our worldly measures. That makes it both scary and comforting.
Miss him, mourn and cry, but please don't beat yourself up with guilt. None of this is your fault, and he knows you are with him. I wish you a lot of strength, love and self-compassion in this difficult time.
If you don't know a pastor personally, you can ask for a reference from a friend. Our Pastor is often called upon by people who have never even been inside our church. Or, the hospital has a Chaplain you can seek out.
Please count your Father's blessings for him: you are mired in this moment of his life but reflect upon all the good things and wonderful he had prior to this. No one gets to stay here forever. Few people have a clean Hollywood exit. When you next visit him, even if he is non-responsive, talk to him, and maybe have the Chaplain come in with you.
May you receive the peace that transcends understanding on this journey.
You were fortunate - we didn't all have a father (or parent) who helped us to see and appreciate the good in this world. But that makes your loss all the harder to bear.
Like Alva said, you have nothing to feel guilty for. However, it would be sad if you stopped enjoying what your dad always enjoyed and what he would want you to enjoy. When you keep on living, when you look after your children how he looked after you, when you enjoy the sunshine as he did, you are also honouring him. So, go outside and smile for the sun and for the blessings of having been raised by a good dad.
I lost my Dad, and it is horrible, but all of our wonderful memories will always be held dearly. I love to see parts of him in my children. They still say things he always said, and that is a part of him still living through us. I know our loved ones are watching over us. Talk to him as others suggested. Maybe you could have someone else spend some time with your kids for a couple of days, and spend the extra final time with your dad? If not, he knows you love him! Maybe someone there could FaceTime so he can hear your voice. ❤️
It sounds like you have a father who loves you very much and would understand.
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