I just have to get this out. My 81-year-old mother, who was already using a cane/walker, fell a couple of months ago and has been in a rehab/skilled nursing facility for most of the time since. She's utterly miserable, as anybody would be, and I'm not sure she'll ever walk again.
I'm her only child, a two-hour flight away. I know that's rough. But even before the fall, she'd make self-pitying comments about not having anyone to do things for her, and a CONSTANT running monologue about how her friend's husband does her friend's bidding like a footman. (She married and divorced my dad *twice*). Recently when she said she longed to go outside, I suggested she could get somebody to wheel her out to the courtyard (she has plenty of visitors), and she snapped, "That's for people with families," (Huh?) Whenever she goes all wavery-voiced and tells me plaintively, "You're all I have," it fills me with rage.
Her old age and illness are not my fault (although it feels like they are), and now she wants me to feel bad that I don't have brothers or sisters? And speaking of brothers and sisters, am I wrong in thinking that very few elderly people--regardless of how many kids they have--pretty much have only one child who's actively involved in their care anyway? I don't even know what I'm asking, I guess I'm just venting. Wish I could rent a sibling.
You mother is trying at manipulation of you and guilt-tripping. She expects you to quit your job, get her out of the rehab, move in with her and basically become a slave to her. My mother pulled this with me and I have siblings.
When your mother starts up with 'You're all I have' nonsense which is a manipulation tool, you should ask her 'Whose fault is that?' You do not owe your life to your mother. She is in care which is where she's supposed to be.
You did not cause her fall or her old age. It's not your fault.
Tell her plainly that is she can no longer hold a normal conversation that isn't a manipulative guilt-trip, you will no longer call her or visit. Tell her up front that you're not moving her in with you, nor are you going to move to her area to live with and take care of her. Let her know this.
When she starts up on the phone with you, that's when you end the call.
This reduction in my life has hit me at such a young age. It is hard not to be depressed about it. Especially when I see how much time I continue to flush down the toilet dealing with my parents' issues. I am determined not to let it get me down but boy this is hard
Adjusting to the losses age brings can be relentless. Reduction in friends, becoming lonely. Reduction in health, loss of independance.
Some things just can't be fixed.. But, our attitude can change!
With a positive spin "You're all I have" could be spun into "I'm so lucky to have you in my life". I don't mean to stamp a super-happy smiley face emoji over every real feeling Mom expresses, no. It's OK to be sad, to be lonely, to get down. It's OK if Mom feels she can be real with you, but there is a difference between having a heartfelt conversation & an over-used woe-is-me on repeat.
Do you get the vibe Mom is depressed? If so, that may be worth talking to Mom & her Doctor about?
But you are right, even with siblings it seems there is always one that does everything or mostly everything...
So happy that you started this thread! It’s exactly what I was thinking of doing, ☺️ Thank you so much!
for now…how about the “But I don’t WANT anyone else “!!!
Again, thank you, I absolutely feel your pain.
more later ❤️
When I read posts like this one, I file it away for future reference. I want to learn how not to be.
Siblings often make problems for each other when it comes to caregiving parents. Be secretly glad you don’t have to deal with a hysterical sister as well as a blaming shaming mom.
You have to learn how to distance yourself, create boundaries and thst includes not tolerating their nastiness and narcissm. Good luck xx
My father would throw that 'your all I have' line around or "you'll get all i have" just to get me to do something. It never worked so I don't know why he tried it so often.
Remain a 2 hour flight away! Let her know (in most conversations) you're "Sorry you can't help her much being 2 hrs away, but you don't plan to move"...Set up a free Zoom acct, get your Mom a cheap laptop, and meet with her on Zoom a few times a month. Try to keep the Zoom calls fun and cheerful.
At her age, she knows damn well she has to hire people to help her, just like I do. I used to do everything around my house, now I'm limited. No more ladders, etc.
She needs something to look forward to. You don't jump in and save her, or uproot your life. It's not your fault she is old and fell. Just be creative and nicely refuse to come move in, or offer her to come live with you!
Ask the Rehab staff if they know of a friendly companion to help set that laptop up.
If so could you contact one of them and ask if they would be willing to take mom out in the courtyard for a little walk?
You might not be far off when you suggest that you "rent a sibling" Contact the facility and ask if they have volunteers that would take mom out in the courtyard once in a while.
I am going to assume (I know not a good idea) that mom is now there long term. If she is unable to progress with her rehab and if she is not able to manage on her own they will / can not discharge her back home unless she has a caregiver. This might be a difficult thing for her to accept.
Just commiserating with your experience. I live a 4-hour flight from my mom and she's constantly saying stuff like your mom says to you. She talks about not having a family, about how her cat is her only company. Meanwhile she's done nothing to cultivate or maintain relationships with her extended family and/or lifelong friends who WANT to be in touch with her, but she doesn't respond when they reach out. Nor will she travel to visit me and my family (she "doesn't really like to fly," meaning if I want to see her I have to travel across the country every time).
It's hard, isn't it?
No you're not wrong. I'm the youngest kid and my sibling will not help me in any way, shape, or form with our dad. They also did not help out mom on several occasions.
Ex: one of my parents decided to sell their house and move out of state. My sibling lived 10 minutes away and did not help my parent pack AT ALL. For MONTHS.
Sibling sure had no problem showing up when we were literally locking the house, take some pictures, and then make a dramatic ass social media post, though. 🙄
We thought at the time we may live in USA after kids were grown but financial circumstances that didn’t happen. My MIL lays the guilt on him all the time, says that he lied to her about coming back & now she’s all alone bla bla bla.
This woman has done nothing but cause upset & drama & in the 20+ years I’ve known her I can honestly say there is not one happy memory. Every visit she went out of her way to cause drama & on with the accusations of lying about going to USA ti live. She says she needs him to take care of her & I guess until he met me & immigrated he said he would take care of her but we can’t drop everything & fly to USA every week. She really belongs in care but refuses to go & seems to prefer hurting herself so she can tell him about every little misery she’s going through.
This woman did not by any stretch of the imagination take care of him & his brother with horrific consequences for the boys that I won’t go into here.
So I feel for you & what you’re going through.
Take care of yourself. When your mother starts with this nonsense, just excuse yourself and get off the phone. Maybe stretching out visits and allowing her to interact with others. This is the stage in life where she now. Acceptance of this fact is the key here.
I have a daughter too, but I would never want her saddled with my care if I got old and disabled.
Congrats on being cancer free for 1+ year, that's a huge milestone!! As of Feb 23, it'll be 2 yrs for me! 😁
THAT part.
If Mom has been like this all her life, you are not going to change her now. I had a friend like this, she was a Debbie Downer. She had certain expectations of people and when they did not fit her expectations, she was miserable. You'd suggest, she would have a reason why she couldn't do it. You can't live Moms life for her. Explain to her that you will not be moving back to her State. That how her life goes is all up to her not you.
Some elderly are more verbal about their unhappiness than others. And some elderly try to blame it on others .
I ended up telling my mother “ I did not make you old , I can’t fix old.”
Sorry you are having guilt trips placed on you. It’s not your fault Mom is old
My husband has two younger sisters. When their mom was old and sick, all three took part in helping my MIL in various ways. The youngest daughter chose to move in with my MIL and do the lion’s share. She spent a lot of time angry and resentful about it, but it was her choice.
good luck to you.