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My mother is 95 and in the care of hospice. There is an opening at the hospice house where I live for me to get a 2 day respite. I take full care of my mother and my son is making me feel terrible about having her go for 2 days away from home. Is he right to call me selfish and horrible after I have been caring for her for 11 years alone? Sad.

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no. he just doesn’t understand. if you can get a little relief, you should take advantage of it.
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Reply to Bobbi48128
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He’s 100% wrong. Has he ever offered to take over for a few days so you can get a break? Somehow I think he hasn’t. And if that’s correct then not only is he wrong here but he’s also a pig headed jerk. If he truly cared, he would have offered to take care of her instead of her going to the hospice house.

Pay him no mind. Don’t let his words upset you. He’s 100% in the wrong here. Enjoy your respite and don’t feel guilty about it either! You deserve it.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Unless your son has cared for his grandmother at ALL over the past 11 years and given of himself, he has NO RIGHT at all to call you selfish and horrible for taking a 2 day break! Armchair critics are really the worst, because normally, they don't do a darn THING for these elders yet sit there in their comfy armchairs pointing fingers at those of us who DO, letting us know what we're doing 'wrong' or how we should 'improve' our caring and clucking their tongues in disapproval. It hurts when it's a son who's doing it, and you should let him know you're hurt too. He should be standing WITH you and SUPPORTING you right now, not making your job even harder than it has to be.

Sending you a hug of support and a wish that your 2 days off are enjoyable.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I have 3 adult sons and a 91-year old mother. If any of them spoke to me in such a way it'd be the last conversation he'd ever have with me until there was an apology. Enjoy your respite and pay him no mind.
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Reply to Geaton777
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We teach people how to treat us. We make the contract in a relationship that dictates what we WILL put up with and what we decidedly will NOT put up with.
Perhaps he does it because he believes he can get by with treating you in this manner? I can promise you that no daughter of mine would DARE to treat ME in that manner for a single second. Wouldn't even cross their minds.
You need to tell your son that he should be utterly and completely ashamed of himself, and then you move on with exactly what you are doing. How DARE he treat you in this manner. Perhaps he was raised to think that the entire world puts a lot more store in his opinion than really it does? Time to grow up and learn how to treat his Mom.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Someone wise said "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission". Of course easier to hear than determine but certainly your son is not one to give heed to his unwanted,unhelpful pointless opinions. He should have more regard for you but you certainly are not alone in the sea of family members "who know best". Do what you need to do for you. He has already earned membership on the $×÷% list. Don't pay his dues.
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spoonielife Feb 25, 2021
Eleanor Roosevelt :) Very wise lady!
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God bless and thank you all for your kindness. I had an epiphany today that sometimes we have to allow others even strangers in the healthcare profession to help us when we need it the most. My mother spoiled this son and helped me raise him when I worked and was going through a divorce. So I think he feels entitled to have a say in what my decisions for her are but as some of you have said, it's time for him to be supportive and grow up. He will help once in a while, but now that she's in hospice I am tasked with much more somedays than I can handle. Thank you again.
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MaryKathleen Feb 26, 2021
((Many Big HUGS))
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No he is NOT right to call you selfish and horrible for wanting to get some respite from caring for your mom. He is the horrible and terrible person for even thinking of giving you a hard time over it. You deserve some respite time, way more than 2 days even. Most hospice agencies do offer a 5 day respite for their patients, so I would check to see if they could keep her for 5 days instead of 2. And next time he complains, tell him that when she comes back from respite, that you will be sending her to his house so he can take on her fulltime care. Enjoy your time off from caregiving. Please take care of yourself.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Artist69 Feb 23, 2021
HI funky grandma, your reply was very helpful to me. My son ended up calling mom's hospice social worker and got me kicked off of the house list. Needless to say, I had to call her back and beg and plead for her to give my mother another cha ce. I am burning g out quickly and at age 70 with back and arm injuries I fear my son may find me laid out flat on the floor from total exhaustion. At your helpful Rey, I'm going to call her again and ask her if she can put my mother back on the list again hopefully for this week. Tha k you and God bless you
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I am with funky, hospice usually allows 5 days. I would take as much as I could. My Mom too helped me with my daughter. But as an RN working in LTC she knows what goes into caring for the elderly. She supported me in my decision to place Mom.

So, you do what is good for you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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No you are not horrible, that is what respite care is there for, to give the primary caregiver a break, you should have been offer a 5 day respite care, and every so offer that is require that they offer you that. because you will get burnout very fast.
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Reply to Wildlifeman702
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I just read in some of your responses below that your son has now gone over your head and canceled hospice on his own, and that you are going to beg to get the respite back again. If your son has done this without your permission you need to read him the riot act. He can either single handedly take on the care of his grandmother in her last days, or he can let you alone. Tell him that further action such as this will see his grandmother entered into in-facility care, and this will be his burden to bear, as it will come as consequence for his actions. As I said before, he should be ashamed of himself, but his actions today show me that he is likely incapable of that.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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let your son take care of her for 2 days . . . . That will get his attention . . . .
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Reply to MonodbBart
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I’m sorry your son is so cruel and misguided. Unless he has POA please instruct everyone involved in your mother’s care not to speak to him or allow him any decision making
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Sarah3 Feb 25, 2021
This forum— why on earth would a mother tell people not to talk to her son? How about inspiring kindness and family closeness instead? Like many people he’s probably unaware of how much goes into caregiving - Op start with a nice sit down talk and explain to him more in depth of the day to day caregiving. I’m sure he’ll then understand and want you to have a little break
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How much has this son done to help you get a break? Has he ever cared for g'ma on his own for a few days, a week, etc? If he has his own house, tell him you would prefer for g'ma to stay with family - what day can he pick her up? And how often can he do this to help his mom and g'ma? No response or says no????? Then tell him that he is the selfish/horrible person for even making comments about a care plan that you've been handling ALONE for 11 years.

Nip it in the bud. I understand you don't want g/ma to go to the facility, so what will YOU do to give me a 2 day break....and other breaks in the future. And while you're at it, ask him what he plans to do if you happened to need this kind of in-home care?
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Reply to my2cents
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Enjoy your two days of respite. Your son can take a flying leap unless he volunteers to take total care of your mother for two days including changing diapers, poop patrol clean up, meds, feeding, etc. No need to feel terrible.
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Reply to Tynagh
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Artist I hope you will update us when this is ironed out and your boy set straight. I hope you will let us know you are on for the much needed respite. I will be thinking about you until then.
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Sarah3 Feb 25, 2021
if he’s still a “boy” hes certainly too young and shouldn’t be expected to perform caregiving for a 95 yr old.
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Tell him you’re taking a permanent break, and that Grandma is waiting for him to take over.! Don’t even get me started...Until he’s in your shoes, he should zip his lip!
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Reply to annemculver
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Artist69, unless your son takes an active role in caring for your mother and lets you have at least one day respite a week he is completely out of order. If you have back and arm injuries and are burning out he should be helping you. If he is not helping you but just interfering he is being abusive. Does he live with you? If so it's time he started pulling his weight helping to care for your mother instead of sabotaging your hard earned chance for respite.

Do you have any other children? Do they help you? If not you need to think about how your son will treat you in the future if your need care. To be honest, his behaviour at the moment does not augur well so you need to take care of yourself now and plan for yourself too.
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Sarah3 Feb 25, 2021
Pls be more careful in using terms such as abuse so loosely. Her son may be uninformed or unaware of the reality of caregivers need for self care and some breaks and he’s probably feeling bad for his grandma and that’s why he’s upset about having a hired person a couple of days but that is not the same thing as abuse. We also don’t know anything about her son, his age, his responsibilities etc. If every relative who didn’t pitch in to help with caregiving was labeled as abusive there would be thousands and thousands sadly of people in that group bc I read here all the time about people who demean a sibling who is their parents caregiver rather than being kind and helpful
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No - I do not believe you are selfish at all. Not sure why your son would be saying that. I think you should stick to your plan. Hopefully your son will come around - does he help look after her at all?. ALL CARERS need a break. Good luck. Love and hugs to you. xo
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Reply to Janetr
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Have him come over for those 2 days, and see what it is really like to take care of Grandma....DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF....
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Reply to SLEEPER911
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He us the Selfish one.

A Caregiver should have a 24 hr break once a week minimum.

You didn't mention how old your son is, but if he us over 18, tell him to watch Grandma fir for the weekend and she can stay home.
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Catherine1109 Feb 25, 2021
Has a lot to say with a do nothing attitude....Wish you all the best you're in my prayers. You need a doctor for YOU my dear 😘 I pray you find some peace
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well first off the good news is there’s no abuse by your son. It’s concerning you used the word “abuse” so loosely. hes upset and uninformed about respite care, explain to him why it’s important bc he may not realize how draining caregiving can be and that some good self care is important, you need to take care of yourself. For some reason a lot of people don’t realize how much it takes out of a person to do full time caregiving and it sounds as if he’s unaware of the reality so sit down and explain to him you need a break for your health I’m sure he’ll understand
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Doggomom Feb 25, 2021
OP’s update stated the the son went around her and cancelled the respite. OP is suffering from arm and back pain on top of the physical and emotional exhaustion that comes with caregiving. Her son doesn’t want his 70 year old mother to have 2 days of rest from a 24 hour a day job. He is not an child incapable of helping as you suggested below, he just doesn’t do it enough. He should be checking in on his mother’s help. health, not making it worse. Maybe you’re one of those people who think it’s only abuse if there are bruises and broken skin, but this is definitely elder abuse. Even the way he speaks to her, calling her selfish and horrible for taking care of herself, is verbal and emotional abuse. I’m not sure why you’re advocating so strongly for this son, but maybe you could find a little empathy for the mother he is most definitely abusing.
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He needs to apologise and mind his business. It’s always the relatives that will criticise for something like this BUT not once will they offer to do a day or two caring and give you that break. 2 days in hospice is way safer than leaving her with someone not experienced in caring for a high needs patient. Tell your son not to judge a carer until he has walked in our shoes
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Reply to MILWhippingGirl
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Actually, as you are a senior, he is neglecting you. He is neglecting you and your needs. Tell him you will go no contact with him, unless he can step in and help, or at the very least, be supportive when you all talk.
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Reply to Myownlife
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Perhaps he’d like to come care for her for those two days while you get some much needed, well deserved respite? It’s so easy for our family members who are not involved in day to day care to want to sit in judgement and criticize. It’s not easy caring for our elderly loved ones;they don’t come with handy instructions to follow each day. We do the best we can with love in our heart and God’s grace. That’s it- you must care for yourself in order to have the strength, patience and endurance to care for others. God bless you❤️
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Reply to DadsGurl
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Being the full time caregiver of someone is an extremely difficult job, both physically and emotionally. Is it possible to visit the hospice with your son so that he has an idea of what it’s like (The 24/7 staff, Nurse on site and the patients social engagement). This also begins a rapport with these services should time be needed if there is ever an emergency not to mention the little relief it can do for you for 2 days. Being a caregiver is such a weighty responsibility. His feelings are normal, but what would happen if GOD forbids something were to happen to you? Will he be the next caregiver? I have a mentally disabled brother whom I am guardian to and have to consider the possibility of having him in a full time residence in the very near future. My heart of course is very heavy and have had many who have their opinions (but have they ever stepped up to help? No), but I know in the long run I can be a healthier and happier caregiver for him and he will have the full time care he deserves. All the best to you, your son and especially your mom.
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Reply to mwebb72
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Tell your son to F**k off. And stop allowing him to abuse you. When he starts hang up on him if he is on the phone. Tell him to leave if he is at your house. Pack your things and walk away from him if you are somewhere other than your home. He is abusing you.

Also remember, no one can make you feel terrible. You allow yourself to feel terrible. Stop!!
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Reply to MsRandall
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How are you feeling today, Artist69? What's the plan regarding respite now?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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That you even have to ask us if he is right is disturbing. He is awful for trying to guilt you. If you need a break then you need a break. I’m sorry but this just makes me mad that he is even voicing an opinion. Tell him to take care of her while you go away.
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Catherine1109 Feb 25, 2021
Tell him too take care of her or shut up!!!! Some of our children missed out on the sensitivity gene. Get some well needed rest. I just found out about respite care myself GOD BLESS
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not sure why your son would feel this way but try to remember that you have a choice in how you feel; honestly he can say what he wants but you are making the choice to feel bad about your decision. Don’t do that to yourself. Make the choice to grab the much needed break you deserve! We are in control about how we feel or don’t feel. He is the one being selfish. On the flip side, let him care for her so you can have a break.
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