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My kids have had a front row seat to see how we and the in-laws have managed care for parents/grandparents with a host of mental and physical issues. I let my kids know that they never have to take us into their homes. I would appreciate a call each Christmas, but they don't have to structure their holidays around us. They have seen there are times when the parents no longer know what is good for them and have to give over decision making to the next generation. We also set an age when we will get our finances in order and sign over POA (durable medical and financial) and get a trust set up. I do not want them caught off guard the way our families were over the years. I also don't want them crippled with guilt over any decisions they have to make. What do you have to add about preparing your kids for your future?

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I don’t believe in an age to get finances planned for or in order, as none of us knows what the next day may bring. We all need to be prepared now. We have all the needed legal documents in place, will, POA, advance directives and the adult child over this knows where it all is. The others are fully informed as well.
After so many crying scenes over the years with my MIL about holidays “I just want everyone to be together” ugh, I’ve long told my children when they became adults, “I’d love to have you come for any holiday, but if you can’t make it, no worries, I’ll see a movie” They know I mean it, I don’t do the guilt trips.
I also believe in my dad’s firm rule of refusing to live with any adult child or him living with any of us. He said it’s ruins relationships, and one doesn’t have to be on AC Forum very long to attest to the frequency of that being true. None of that for me, if I can’t care for myself off to managed care. Maybe I’ll hate it, but that’s better than having my family hate me.
I’ve also pared down the belongings, but can admit that’s an ongoing process one is never quite finished with
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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jemfleming Sep 12, 2025
The trouble is the cost of managed care and the fact that if you run out of private pay funds, even a moderate income from social security and a small pension can put you out of the qualification range for Medicaid, but be no where near enough to pay the monthly fees for a SNF or ALF. Then what?
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You don't wait for a certain age to do POA because you never know what tomorrow will bring. You do it now. If you don't want it immediate, then you stipulate that one or two doctors have to declare you incompetent.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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We have our paperwork in order POA etc . We have a book with passwords to everything to pay bills etc .
We told the kids we do not expect them to be hands on caregivers or to be our housemates .
Will continue to downsize belongings and we plan to eventually move to a condo when we retire .
I have told my kids not to hesitate throwing out belongings , furniture .
I won’t be offended .
Some elderly act like their stuff is gold and want someone to take it.
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Reply to waytomisery
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ElizabethAR37 Sep 12, 2025
I've left the phone number for "GOT JUNK?" (or a local equivalent) as part of my Final Letter. At 88 (me) and 95 (spouse), we try to declutter as we go, but it's hard now that we have lost a lot of our physical strength and mobility. I don't want our family to feel the obligation to sort through or keep anything.
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I would like help (if needed ) in navigating a place for me to live (not their homes) and then not feeling an obligation to be “all over me and my care.”. in fact, for their sakes, I would like to be housed at a physical distance, so they do not feel the burden that caregiving entails. if I am not mentally impaired, maybe a phone call once a week to check in so I can hear about their lives, but I do not expect them to be at my beck and call. I was with a group of elders who said to some of us younger people (60s), “we took care of you, now it’s time for you to take care of us.”. I disagree. In some way, I have taken care of my parent my entire life and definitely much longer than she ever took care of me. I want my kids to live their lives without the burden of me. Does that feel kind of scary? Sure. But I always say that I will just suck it up that I have had a great life and that these older years are going to be difficult, no matter what but I have been lucky up to that point
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Reply to Sleepingbear
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I have made it very clear that I would never want, never allow my children to sacrifice their own one-and-only life/lives to throw themselves upon my burning funeral pyre. I have made it clear that I think the best place for our progeny, for their own well-being and protection, is about 1,000 miles minimal from their aging parent. I say this as an 83 year old with cancer, so you can assume I mean every single word of it.

The time to "set finances in order" is now.
Any parent should have hard and fast documents written from the second they have a child in the crib.
And the time to begin saving for an old age that will require you at minimum to be a millionaire is on day one; it will take a good career lifelong, a lot of savings and coupon clipping, good jobs and good luck to get there.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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jemfleming Sep 12, 2025
Amen
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My husband and I plan to build a new small home with no stairs, no thresholds, that is accessible and easy to manage. We plan to have in home caregivers when needed. We have one son and I would do and will do anything necessary to prevent his life from being like mine and my sisters have been with our aging parents.
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Reply to Valentine15
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When we were driving back from my mums (87) my son (24) said to me I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t do what you do for her. I told him I don’t expect him too. I’ve previously said I will write a letter to my older self and give it to him to give to me if/when I’m a pain in the ass. He watched us care for my dad till he died and now for my mum he’s under no illusions. He is one of the loveliest guys in the world I’m bias I know, but he’s honest and I’ve always told him I don’t expect it from him
if I can live in my own home safely with some help great, if I can’t I’m hanging out for somewhere like the Thursday murder club residential living 😂
pierce brosnan optional 😂
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Reply to Moxy234
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I will give you One word of advice declutter your Home . get rid of items you are no Longer using or Give away items you want people to Have . My Mom ended up in the Hospital then the Nursing Home . There was tons of art and jewelry . My sister got the Keys and took all the expensive jewelry , gold coins, Paintings and art work that was Not hers to have and emptied Out her bank account . It took me 2 weeks for me to empty her apartment - I filled up a whole dumpster, then had to Pay $650 to move furniture . I Donated her car . Next I did Not Have time to go back and my son hired a cleaning crew they came and threw out all the Photographs . So start Passing things On Now . I Donated Most of her clothes to a schizophrenic House . Please declutter your Home before you Pass . Or give away Heirlooms Now . I have already given My grand children items I want them to have .
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Reply to KNance72
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SID2020 Sep 16, 2025
Absolutely agree with you. I am 57 in great health but have started the de-clutter and to my surprise, I'm enjoying it now I've started. A little every day and you begin see space and know where everything is. It's very freeing. Box and label if you are uncertain, and then gradually keep passing things on. It doesn't need to be so bad if you take your time. Also move furniture on if no longer essential as this is a larger job to expect someone else to do.
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I have purchased Long Term Care Insurance so that I do not have to depend on ANY relative to help me when it comes to the time when I need care.
I have made it known that no one is expected to physically care for me.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Great ideas but I'm not so sure about the safety deposit box for important documents. When I was dad's POA and he was dying, his estate attorney told me to get everything out of the SD box. It seems as if there was a concern about getting into the box after dad died. Since I was also executor of dad's estate, I'd thought that wouldn't be a problem, but anyway, I followed the attorney's advice to access the box as POA. I had all the proper paperwork, but it took hours. The bank officer had to be sure I was who I said I was and that I was allowed to remove everything.

I did take all the things out and moved them to a safe at home. Then of course, Rude Aunt raised H— about I didn't have a right to take the things without dad's permission. He had dementia and didn't know squat anymore, much less about the safety deposit box. And his lawyer had been firm that I should do it.

So, be advised - do what you want, but it may not be as easy as it seems.
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Reply to Fawnby
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graygrammie Sep 12, 2025
My dad put my name on the box and I was given a key by the bank at that time. When I needed to get into the box after his death, I had no problem at all since my name was on the box and I had the key.
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