My mother is 95 and in the care of hospice. There is an opening at the hospice house where I live for me to get a 2 day respite. I take full care of my mother and my son is making me feel terrible about having her go for 2 days away from home. Is he right to call me selfish and horrible after I have been caring for her for 11 years alone? Sad.

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He’s 100% wrong. Has he ever offered to take over for a few days so you can get a break? Somehow I think he hasn’t. And if that’s correct then not only is he wrong here but he’s also a pig headed jerk. If he truly cared, he would have offered to take care of her instead of her going to the hospice house.

Pay him no mind. Don’t let his words upset you. He’s 100% in the wrong here. Enjoy your respite and don’t feel guilty about it either! You deserve it.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to worriedinCali

Unless your son has cared for his grandmother at ALL over the past 11 years and given of himself, he has NO RIGHT at all to call you selfish and horrible for taking a 2 day break! Armchair critics are really the worst, because normally, they don't do a darn THING for these elders yet sit there in their comfy armchairs pointing fingers at those of us who DO, letting us know what we're doing 'wrong' or how we should 'improve' our caring and clucking their tongues in disapproval. It hurts when it's a son who's doing it, and you should let him know you're hurt too. He should be standing WITH you and SUPPORTING you right now, not making your job even harder than it has to be.

Sending you a hug of support and a wish that your 2 days off are enjoyable.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to lealonnie1

I have 3 adult sons and a 91-year old mother. If any of them spoke to me in such a way it'd be the last conversation he'd ever have with me until there was an apology. Enjoy your respite and pay him no mind.
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Reply to Geaton777

God bless and thank you all for your kindness. I had an epiphany today that sometimes we have to allow others even strangers in the healthcare profession to help us when we need it the most. My mother spoiled this son and helped me raise him when I worked and was going through a divorce. So I think he feels entitled to have a say in what my decisions for her are but as some of you have said, it's time for him to be supportive and grow up. He will help once in a while, but now that she's in hospice I am tasked with much more somedays than I can handle. Thank you again.
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Reply to Artist69
MaryKathleen Feb 26, 2021
((Many Big HUGS))
Tell your son to F**k off. And stop allowing him to abuse you. When he starts hang up on him if he is on the phone. Tell him to leave if he is at your house. Pack your things and walk away from him if you are somewhere other than your home. He is abusing you.

Also remember, no one can make you feel terrible. You allow yourself to feel terrible. Stop!!
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Reply to MsRandall

no. he just doesn’t understand. if you can get a little relief, you should take advantage of it.
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Reply to Bobbi48128

We teach people how to treat us. We make the contract in a relationship that dictates what we WILL put up with and what we decidedly will NOT put up with.
Perhaps he does it because he believes he can get by with treating you in this manner? I can promise you that no daughter of mine would DARE to treat ME in that manner for a single second. Wouldn't even cross their minds.
You need to tell your son that he should be utterly and completely ashamed of himself, and then you move on with exactly what you are doing. How DARE he treat you in this manner. Perhaps he was raised to think that the entire world puts a lot more store in his opinion than really it does? Time to grow up and learn how to treat his Mom.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

No he is NOT right to call you selfish and horrible for wanting to get some respite from caring for your mom. He is the horrible and terrible person for even thinking of giving you a hard time over it. You deserve some respite time, way more than 2 days even. Most hospice agencies do offer a 5 day respite for their patients, so I would check to see if they could keep her for 5 days instead of 2. And next time he complains, tell him that when she comes back from respite, that you will be sending her to his house so he can take on her fulltime care. Enjoy your time off from caregiving. Please take care of yourself.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
Artist69 Feb 23, 2021
HI funky grandma, your reply was very helpful to me. My son ended up calling mom's hospice social worker and got me kicked off of the house list. Needless to say, I had to call her back and beg and plead for her to give my mother another cha ce. I am burning g out quickly and at age 70 with back and arm injuries I fear my son may find me laid out flat on the floor from total exhaustion. At your helpful Rey, I'm going to call her again and ask her if she can put my mother back on the list again hopefully for this week. Tha k you and God bless you
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Perhaps he’d like to come care for her for those two days while you get some much needed, well deserved respite? It’s so easy for our family members who are not involved in day to day care to want to sit in judgement and criticize. It’s not easy caring for our elderly loved ones;they don’t come with handy instructions to follow each day. We do the best we can with love in our heart and God’s grace. That’s it- you must care for yourself in order to have the strength, patience and endurance to care for others. God bless you❤️
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to DadsGurl

Someone wise said "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission". Of course easier to hear than determine but certainly your son is not one to give heed to his unwanted,unhelpful pointless opinions. He should have more regard for you but you certainly are not alone in the sea of family members "who know best". Do what you need to do for you. He has already earned membership on the $×÷% list. Don't pay his dues.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Riverdale
spoonielife Feb 25, 2021
Eleanor Roosevelt :) Very wise lady!
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