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My mother is 95 and in the care of hospice. There is an opening at the hospice house where I live for me to get a 2 day respite. I take full care of my mother and my son is making me feel terrible about having her go for 2 days away from home. Is he right to call me selfish and horrible after I have been caring for her for 11 years alone? Sad.

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He is a demonic, selfish bastard, sorry to use that word. Tell him where to go and stand up to this mean bully. You certainly owe this respite to yourself. Tell him if he doesn't stop interfering, you will stop caring for her completely and HE WILL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER COMPLETELY. And be prepared to do that. Why on earth have you done this for eleven years? Don't let him control you. Be tough and stand firm - just do it.
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Reply to Riley2166
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You should let your son know that you can reconsider the option if he is willing to provide you with the much needed relief for the 2 days. It appears that he may be reluctant to assist with any of the care. The real reason that you need to even consider this as an option is because no other family members appear to be sharing in the responsibility of caring for your Mom. Unfortunately, this is a common issue associated with elderly care. For you to remain mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy, it is neccessary to take this step to give yourself relief and time to refresh. It is actually a caring option for your Mom. If you burnout, you will not remain equipped for adequately taking care of her. Both you and your Mom would lose in the end. In my own experiences with my Mom, I have learned that it is difficult for others to fully understand the challenges if they have not provided care for someone themselves. In this, you are the responsible party, and because you are doing the care alone, you have the right to make the decision that will be good for both you and your Mom. You still have life to live after your Mom transitions. Don't make the mistake of expending yourself so much at this time, that you may not have needed strength for after she passes. You could also look at having some help come to your house for a couple days if you are able to afford it......or better yet, ask your son if he will pay for it. If he wants the privilege of his input, then he should be willing to offer you some assistance or some alternative. If not, his opinion should be mute.
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Reply to tCares6
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I would think she would appreciate a change of walls for a couple of days a week, your son needs to realise his grandmother will get far more stimulation and enjoyment from seeing different people and not being cooped up in the same place all the time - he is being selfish is trying to restrict her access to others.

At least that would be the approach I would take with him.
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Reply to TaylorUK
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I recommend whenever In Home Hospice is getting involved that another family member be there when the services are explained. This is a stressful time and we don't always hear everything that is being said. We also need to be an advocate for the client receiving care. The Nurses and Aides are employees. If something doesn't look or feel right, then call the person over them to ask questions. In my small town we have two Hospice Agencies and I have never heard any complaints about either. Mom used one for Dad and I used the other for her. But I guess there are bad ones. It comes down to, though, that Medicare pays the bill and there is criteria that should be met. If its not, then you complain and have every right to change agencies.

Basically Hospice is for end of life to keep a person comfortable and pain free. That usually means Morphine for pain and to ease breathing. There is an admitting Nurse and a Nurse/s assigned to the client. You should feel that you can ask any question and get an answer. The Nurse shows up 2 or 3x a week. An aide is provided for bathing about 3x a week. You maybe able to get the aide for a longer time. It probably depends on how many aides and clients the agency has at the time. Depends, wipes and prescriptions are provided free of charge. (Maybe other things too) I was given a folder of what services are provided and contact numbers. The Nurse/s should be available by phone 24/7. They also do the ordering of supplies. But most of the care for "in home" is done by the family. And, the client will be taken off life sustaining medications. The client or POA has chosen to let nature take its course. That's Hospice. Also, the family gets, I think, 5 days of respite care. In this instance its done by transporting the client to a NH for 2 DAYS. Its not permanent. If I was OP, I would opt for the maximum of 5. Its very stressful wondering "when" death will happen. Will they die in front of me gasping for every breath or go in their sleep.

Here is an online booklet I found

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.nhpco.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Hospice_Care.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjTy6_E1o_vAhXKc98KHZMBCXAQFjAAegQIHxAC&usg=AOvVaw3PSYkSa0PlhXWbIEmZjp3v
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your don is absolutely right. Imagine him doing that to you. You can hire someone for day if so. Bc of the COV I would wait. Life is short. Do not send you mom anywhere places and ppl are not caring as you think. You know your don will see what you do to your mom he in turn will do the same to you.
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Elle1970 Mar 1, 2021
Please read through the entire thread, particularly the OP's responses. The OP is 70 (some subscribers here care for people of that age). Her son is an adult.

The OP's son isn't lifting a finger to help her care for her mother (his grandmother). AFAIK she has cared for her mother without help from her adult son for 11 years and is trying to do this while dealing with back and arm injuries. She is understandably burned out . Given his track record with his mother and grandmother, it is unlikely the son will care for his mother when the time comes.

The OP is entitled to take the two days respite while her mother is well cared for. She has more than earned it.
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you absolutely deserve a break.....Babysitter, there must be
options, ask your son to help find someone, There are
people out there that understand THE HORROR you go thru on a daily basis!! MY GRANDMOTHER WENT INTO HOSPICE ON FRIDAY & WAS DEAD BY SUNDAY!! HOSPICE IS A LEGAL PAINLESS GOODBYE!! I PULLED MY MOM OUT OF HOSPICE AFTER I READ THE LITERATURE SHE WAS GIVEN!! I WAS HORRIFIED!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 27, 2021
Froggy,

I loved my grandma. I was very close to her. I missed her terribly when she died.

I called her everyday and saw her often.

Even after she died, I picked up the phone to dial her phone number (which I still remember to this day) before I suddenly realized that she was gone forever.

My grandmother watched my grandpa die a slow and agonizing death in the hospital.

She told me that she prayed that when it was her time that she wanted God to take her quickly.

Well, her prayers were answered. She died suddenly in 1984 at age 85. Her heart just stopped. She had a peaceful death. I hope to die in the same manner. Quickly and painlessly!

Be grateful that your grandmother didn’t suffer. She may have prayed for a quick death like my grandmother did.

Wishing you all the peace that your sweet grandmother would want you to have. She would not want you to be in anguish over her death.
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STATISTICS SHOW, Dementia is contagious!! When taking care of a loved one with Cancer the caregiver doesn't get
Cancer .. But follow the research stats on Dementia, it is more than coincidence!!!
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 27, 2021
That is just not true. I am sorry for your loss but, people are dying and that is why the qualify for hospice. Hospice is not killing people, they prevent unnecessary suffering for people that are dying.
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NO, he is not right. Period, Full Stop.
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Reply to NYCmama
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Poor Artist69. I am so sorry your son doesn’t have a good understanding of what you are dealing with. I think he loves your mother very much and wants the best care for her. But I agree with the others that, if he is unwilling or unable to provide that care himself while you have a much deserved and essential break, then there is no option but respite care. Ask him to look on it as a break for your mom as well. Sometimes a change in routine is good.

He needs to truly understand the dedicated work you are doing for your mom and so if possible it would be wonderful if he could use a week or two of his own holiday time to take over her care while you go away somewhere for respite. And I think that is on top of her going into a hospice home for a break right now. It is very easy to see what might benefit someone the most from your own perspective but it is quite different fulfilling those expectations yourself in the heat of the moment. Or 11 years! I think it would be a wonderful chance for him to give back to his grandmother some of the care she gave him as a child. And will not only give him a better appreciation for all that you do but prepare him for looking after you in the future so that you can plan together what will suit you both. I came to the US from the UK every year to spend 3 weeks with my mother. It was my only real holiday for many years and we did have fun as well especially in the earlier years when she did not need so much support. But it took its toll as well and gave me good insight into her needs as she got older and the difficulty in managing those needs. It’s time he steps up his game, acts like a grownup and does the same.
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Reply to bectwin1
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Do not put up with the abuse the verbal abuse. Tell him to stop or you will get a restraining order to keep him away. You obviously are able to care for her and take a few more days for "your sake". Take care of yourself or you will weaken and hurt yourself and you won't be able to care for her on a long time bases. Do this at least once a month.
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Reply to DKelso34
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You, need respite. Two days is nothing. You're son may not understand, because, he is not doing the caregiving. Please, take the 2 days, and do not feel guilty.. The time will come, where you don't have this chance. I wish you luck and peace. People, have opinions. If they're not in your shoes, they have no idea, what being a caretaker, is like.
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Reply to Haparanda105
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Don't feel guilty and then tell your son you are going away for a couple days and he has to take care of your mother (his grandmother).........I bet he won't want to do it. All caretakers need a break and if he doesn't like you getting 2 days.....then he should step up or be quiet about it. Do what YOU need to do to take care of yourself. Does your son still live with you? if not,,,,,,then again have him come and take care of her while you go away. IF he lives with you, maybe he is afraid that you won't be there to take care of him too. wishing you luck.
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morganloverst Feb 28, 2021
I totally agree!
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He is not making you feel terrible. You are allowing yourself to feel inadequate. You have made a good decision. Don’t sabotage yourself with guilt. Thank him for his concern for his grandmother and tell him you have made your decision.
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Reply to GAinPA
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Your son needs to face reality. When a change happens in a family situation, one or more people can freak out. My brother told me, when I was thinking of putting my 98 yr old aunt, in a beautiful facility, that I wasn't owning up to my commitment to keep her in her home, even though she was bedridden, blind and down to no money because of 24 hour caregiving. When I did what I had to do, he came around. Your son is overstepping his boundaries and disrepecting you. Can you take a stand and tell him he is not the one in charge, you are?
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Reply to Practicinglove
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Hospice will take great care of her. That’s their job—comfort care. Maybe some education about hospice for your son?
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Reply to Jpapke
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You are doing what you need to do. Your son is not taking care. You are the caretaker and your son has to let go. Let go and Let God
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Reply to sanejane
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Your son is a selfish, cruel, stupid idiot (I am being kind). Do NOT allow your son to do this to you. YOU have every right under the son to have some peace and a break. He should step in those two days if he complains. You have dedicated eleven years - what has he done? Tell him off and to mind his own business or else take over her care.
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Reply to Rusty2166
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Hell no....do what is good for you.
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Reply to EngineerTom
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It is truly a sad thing but I don't think anyone who hasn't been a carer for a family member can understand the physical and emotional toll it takes on us. 2 days is certainly not a lot but it will give you a break. Does your son spend any time taking care of her to give you time off once in a while? I can understand why you feel sad. Do you have a counselor, family doctor or anyone else who could explain to your son why you need time off. If you don't have respite you may fall ill yourself or have a breakdown and not be able to care for her anymore. I hope this impasse can be resolved for you. You have no need to feel guilty. Love and Hugs to you
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Reply to Jellylava
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No.. I just found out a neighbor of mine sent her dad to a skilled nursing home for that.. He has dementia. She cares for him 24/7. She has nurses coming in now and then. However, she needs to rest to so she can take care of him better. She studies for college and she is almost done and has tests to take. She has to think of herself too. She is young still.. And when he goes she has to take care of herself. She only did this once. It was recommended by one of the home heth nurses that come in their home.
I know myself for I take care of my mom now 24/7. On some days my niece relieves me so I can go to my part- time
job. Its very stressful caring for a loved one. Its both mental and physically challenging. Yes we chose too however, they need us and right now especially a nursing home is not a good place to place them permanently.
So overall I dont know why he would be upset if its for only a few dats and it will help you rest up. I know you must be over 50 right and we need to take care of ourselves too. Not selfish at all! I have to stay away from my place I live with my significant other to come to my moms home. She is not in hospice. But, know all about hospice. She has been in that program then they took her off.
You are a good person to take care of her and you deserve a break. Its good for your sense of being.
God Bless you dear.
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Reply to Precious07
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Absolutely not. I would imagine he does little to help you care for your mother. Just a hunch. I worked in hospices for 10 years as a social worker, bereavement counselor and chaplain. You have the self-responsibility to care for yourself because if you do not, then you won't be able to care for anyone. Your son has no idea of what he is talking about. People in western culture, by in large, are terrified of death and therefore of hospice, having no idea of the compassion and care that hospice brings. Do not allow yourself to be bullied. If he doesn't like it, he can care for her for the two days that you take care of yourself. No one can "make you feel" anything unless you allow it. You choose your feelings/emotions based on your thoughts in most cases. You need to develop a little tough love her and either stand up to him or ignore him. The other thing is that he may think hospice will kill your mother and therefore the fear in him may rise and the manipulation to push you not to do this so that his fear subsides. You might ask him if he's afraid of a hospice/nursing type facility. It's too bad that COVID is on or you and he could visit one. Bottom line: take care of yourself and do not allow yourself to be bullied. He has the problem. Not you. He's trying to take his problem and make it yours.
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Reply to GAMtns
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 25, 2021
Terrific answer!

Thank you so very much for your work in hospice.

My brother died several years back in an end of life hospice facility.

The entire staff was comforting to my brother and our family.

I am truly grateful for hospice being available during our time of need.

God bless you.
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Imho, do not buy into any acrimonious tones of the son. Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Tell him if he wants to give you a hard time about you getting some time off then HE should come and stay with her for two days. Otherwise he needs to just get off your back.
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Reply to whaleyf
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No, he's not right. Does your son have a history of saying such things to you or is this the first time he has verbally attacked you? It's wrong for him to do so; however, if you've excused this in the past, then he has learned it's okay to disrespect you. Either way, stand up for yourself and tell him "Sonny boy, you will not speak to me like that! And furthermore this thing with grandma is none of your business." Then tune the outside world out and enjoy your respite.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Also, no son has the right to call his mother names and regardless of the situation he needs to be told that.
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Reply to KathleenQ
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Eleanor Roosevelt famously said nobody can make you feel guilty without your cooperation. So maybe when your son grows up he will understand that his mother has needs too. In the meantime you have to tell him firmly that you have made a decision and you don’t want to hear anymore about it.
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Riverdale Feb 25, 2021
I knew it was someone famous.
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That boy can step up or shut up. The end.
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Reply to BCagain
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People don't understand that you're running on gas fumes.

After years of taking care of my Dad and all the other needs no one thought I needed help or needed a break.

Stick to your guns about getting some time off. No one knows how much you need that except you (and us).
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Reply to SometimesStrong
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The critic should offer alternate options, lay down a little moola to hire responsible/efficient help, be a little more involved and sympathetic. Caring for someone is stressful and time consuming, critics always voice their opinions from the sidelines but prefer not to get their hands dirty. A little respite comes in handy for sure. Good luck, be strong, and play the lottery, something good may be in store. Take excellent care.
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Reply to Chizzle
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If it hasn't already been said, "UNLESS YOU HAVE WALKED IN THEIR (CAREGIVER) SHOES, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO CRITIZE". You deserve a respite whenever you feel you need one!
Bless your heart 💓, take care.
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Reply to naia2077
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