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I have moved my mom to a private facility. It was only intended to be during a respite period but they say she is doing so extremely well there - interacting, participating in the activities, eating and sleeping well - but most importantly NO aggression - something I was having trouble with at home with the caregivers. She is asking for me but so far easily redirected. They strongly encouraged that I leave her there. With all the positives and it is really a very nice place - so why can’t I stop crying - this is what I wanted.

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Having a mother with dementia is a loss; a huge loss, in fact. If you were caring for her at home, it may feel to you like you did a 'bad job' of things since now she's doing extremely well in the private facility she's in. That's not the case, either.........I'm certain you did a FINE job of caring for her. Sometimes an elder needs more stimulation than what is found at home. Take my mother for instance. She lives in a Memory Care ALF with 22 other residents who she complains about chronically. Says she can't stand them, and they're 'stupid idiots' who drive her crazy, etc. In reality, while that may be true, they're occupying her with their drama. All that interaction, good and bad, keeps the focus off of her pain & misery most of the time, and on THEIR 'dreadful' behavior. You see what I'm saying? She eats 3 hot meals a day with these women, they do crafts together, watch movies, sit outside in the garden in the 'boiling hot sun' and ride the mini bus up to the mountains for a scenic afternoon outing. She's kept busy while incontinent and in a wheelchair, which would not happen if she was living with me. There's no Activity Director in my house and no chef prepping 3 meals a day and 3 healthy snacks, either. In fact, we're having tuna sandwiches for dinner tonight! In her case, she's much better off living in the Memory Care & having me go visit her there rather than living with me and me trying to be her caregiver, which would have ME feeling miserable 24/7. That's just the truth.

Cry if you need to, that's fine.

"Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
~Rita Schiano

Your mother is safe & having a good time in the ALF. Thank God for that. You're freed up now to live your own life and relax a bit. Thank God for that, too. It's okay to feel relief and cry for IT, too.

Wishing you all the best of luck in this next phase of your life.
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Maple3044 Jul 19, 2021
Thank you for your response. You always hit the nail on the head with your message.Bless you
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Lucille,

Cry if you need too. As far as asking why? Oh my goodness, it’s emotional. I cried when I saw my mom in the hospice house. I didn’t cry in front of her. As soon as I got in the car to go home, I cried.

It was the very best place for mom to be, still I cried, just like you are. I am happy that mom died peacefully. Mom adjusted well to being there. Still, for me, it was knowing that this was the end, accepting that this was the very last place that my mom would be. I suppose that I was beginning the grieving process.

Oh man, all of it is so emotional. I understand how you feel. I am crying now too, remembering everything. Well, it hasn’t been that long since mom died. She died at the end of April.

When mom went to hospice she was relieved. I had her in my home for 15 years. My brother had her in his home for 14 months. It was hard. It’s exhausting.
Mom hated feeling like she was a burden on us.

I can tell you that my mom received excellent care in her hospice house.

I am glad that your mom is being well cared for. You may be crying now, but trust me, you will be so glad that your mom has a professional staff caring for her. It will be a welcome relief.

I did feel at peace knowing that mom was in good hands. I was always a wreck towards the end of caring for her, dealing with falls, the ER visits and so on. Caregiving only gets harder as it goes on. It never gets any easier. Having hospice at the end of her life was such a blessing.

I wish you peace. I wish the very best for your mom. Take care.
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Lucille, of course you are upset. Suddenly she doesn't need you anymore............or so it seems. You are probably feeling passed over. Like the last kid picked in PE for the team.

This is a big change. For your mom and for you. I remember dropping my mom off at the nursing home for the first time. I felt like I was dropping my child off at kindergarten.

Be glad she is adapting. It may not last you know. Enjoy this time when you can relax and know she is being looked after. In the future she will ask for you and not be so easily redirected.

You are feeling left behind. It's natural. Have a good cry! It soothes the soul.
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Reply to Gershun
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I'm sure there probably many reasons why you're crying, but when you stop long enough to look at the big picture, you will see that mom is now exactly where she needs to be. She's safe, adjusting well, and being taken care of, and honestly, you can't ask for more than that. Not everyone is so fortunate to have their loved one adjust so quickly and so well, so my prayer for you is that your tears of sadness, will soon turn into tears of joy. God bless you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Dear God I hope I get the same results next month when my hubby goes to respite care. That way the decision is out of my hands.
I know I will cry too; not because he's at MC but because the man i loved and married is gone.

I imagine you are crying because the mother you've known and loved is gone. Never to return. She is in a place where people with much more training and experience will make sure she is safe and cared for. You can now go visit a new friend who just happens to look like your mom. I'm sending you a huge hug
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lealonnie1 Jul 19, 2021
Well said, my friend. And very sad. Wishing the best possible outcome for you and your DH next month when you place him. Sending YOU a huge hug and a prayer for strength in this difficult time of transition
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I can think of lots of good reasons for your feeling emotional and tearful with it.

Sudden relief from intense stress
Separation from your mother
Strange new territory
Apprehension about what happens next

How long since the decision to let her stay in the facility? It sounds as if it can't have been very long at all.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Caregiving is so hard, so intense, that all the attention is on the LO. It’s like being in emergency mode all the time. Then the pressure is off when she’s in a safe place, and there’s even more lift knowing she’s getting great care and is happy. Seemingly suddenly all the sadness and grief comes out when there’s emotional room for it.

This winter and spring were intense as my brother had two brain surgeries for cancer, and then for two months bounced around hospitals and nursing facilities when he developed an infection and later Covid. I realized cancer treatment would not be successful so finally made the decision to put him in hospice. I also found a much better nursing facility too. Once he was settled in with such great care I had a lot less worry. But suddenly I couldn’t get anything done. Then I realized I was very depressed—now the grief was here and I could recognize. Since then I have felt better.

Let the tears come. They’re healing. And what a blessing that your mom is doing so well!
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Reply to katepaints
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These are all the emotions you have held in check for so long and the huge relief your mental and physical selves are feeling. Crying is a release. Allow yourself time to adjust and along the way, do little things for yourself.

Go to a movie, go for a walk at a park and feed the squirrels, get out in the sunshine, go to one of the bookstores that has a little cafe in eat where you can have a cup of coffee and read a book or magazines. Take short little day trips somewhere. Go to Starbucks so you're around other people and have a cup of coffee and read a book, your computer, the newspaper. Go shopping and buy a new top, maybe something colorful. Maybe go to a restaurant that has a bar and sit at the bar ( you can get a non-alcoholic drink, if you like ) and try to join in a conversation. Maybe take an online or in-person class somewhere. You could go to one of those painting with a twist one-time "class" where you come home with a painting.

But let yourself cry.... it will lessen over time.
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Reply to Myownlife
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Very good answers below. It's difficult seeing a loved one decline. Sometimes I find tears welling up when I am visiting my mother in her memory care unit. Sometimes after the visit I cry. It sounds like your mother is in a very good facility. Keep your visits with your mother as loving and joyful as you can so that the time you spend with her is quality time. You can let go of the responsibility of her basic daily care and just focus on the love you have for her. Your responsibilty now is to make sure that she is being well cared for.
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Reply to NancyIS
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you are crying because it is like losing someone you love out of your life. your life was consumed with the caring, etc and now its gone, like someone being killed in an accident.....they are gone (but not really).....you can go visit as often as you like, take her little snacks (if allowed), watch some tv with her and then slowly cut back your days until you feel comfortable with the situation that she is truly surviving there with other people her age and doing things. its always hard to let go, just like parents with little ones when they grow up and go on their own. wishing you luck.
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