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I have moved my mom to a private facility. It was only intended to be during a respite period but they say she is doing so extremely well there - interacting, participating in the activities, eating and sleeping well - but most importantly NO aggression - something I was having trouble with at home with the caregivers. She is asking for me but so far easily redirected. They strongly encouraged that I leave her there. With all the positives and it is really a very nice place - so why can’t I stop crying - this is what I wanted.

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Imho, you're crying because caregiving can be an emotional rollercoaster. Now that you've, perhaps temporarily, gotten off the rollercoaster, quite naturally your mind is in a whirlwind. However, you made the right move by placing your mother in this nice facility.
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I would say a combination of guilt and relief. Calm down, you have done your job, she is safe and content. Let her be cared for by this new team, take a deep breath and start caring foe yourself.
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hugs!!

just be careful:
the stay in the facility was supposed to be temporary.

1.your mother might not have minded, because she knew it’s temporary. so she was able to be happy while she was there, knowing she would return home. like when you’re in hospital and you’ll get out soon, so you might as well make the best of it.

i would absolutely hate to be brought to a facility as “temporary”, and then it’s actually permanent. i would, under some circumstances, feel very tricked.

for me, it would depend on the circumstances.

2.the facility says she’s happy. but that might also be to make you stay/pay more. maybe the facility treats people ok in the beginning, so they can try to keep the person/get money/make it permanent.

hugs! just be careful.
you said you recently visited. i hope you’re ok :). i hope your mother’s ok :).

sending lots of strength and love to you, everyone on this forum and our loved ones.
:)

bundle of joy :)
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I think you may feel you failed her by not keeping her home as she was before. Don't feel bad - you did the best for her and for you and she seems to be adjusting and is happy. What more could you ask for?
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It sounds like you and your mother are fortunate to have found such a positive placement situation for her. She may miss you b/c she was used to your being nearby, but it sounds like she is doing beautifully in this facility. Perhaps you are crying b/c you feel some guilt in having moved her into long term care, but if her behavior was becoming problematic at home, a move was inevitable. You are both more than fortunate to have found such a good facility for her.
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Lucilleball posted (~8 hours ago):

"It has been 3 weeks now - I am going for my first visit tomorrow. Praying I don’t upset the apple cart."

Okay, best of luck! Be prepared for anything and try to hold the tears while you are with her. Might she devolve into begging to go home? It's possible, but distractions can help. Bring a gift. Focus on her, ask her questions, have her show you around her new "apartment", etc. If she gets "stuck" on the going home issue, agree but put it off to some vague future day, then try to refocus her onto something else.

If things get difficult, don't be afraid to ask a staff member for help, esp when it's time to leave. If they are good, they know how to distract mom so you can make a graceful exit!
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I was n am in same boat. Rehab was only till ribs healed but leg n bathroom seem to give her problems next. I knew in my heart I couldn't do 24 hour care n knew I didn't even want to. I brought this up to my siblings n no one rejected the idea of letting her stay there for long term. So that's where she is n I have my son living g in her house to keep it safe for insurance sake.
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Visit her frequently and give her all the love you can while you can. Get a beautiful baby doll for your mom. One that is weighted to feel like a real baby would be lovely.
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I just did the same thing with my mom. She was supposed to be there for respite care for three weeks, but I was so unwell I kept extending it until finally I told them to just admit her long term. It’s been five weeks now. At first I couldn’t cry. I was so numb and focused on getting everything done, making decisions, going to my Drs appts, etc. Now I can’t stop crying. I feel so unwell, like I’m loosing my mind, I’m not functioning, but I’m also glad I can finally feel my feelings. I’m all over the place with the reasons why I’m crying, but to sum it up in one word I’d say it’s grief. Loss of the mother I once knew, of the change in relationship with her, relief in not having all the responsibility anymore, guilt over the relief, fear of the future for both of us, worry about my health, about her adjustment and care etc. I could go on.
I can tell you one thing though, I’m so glad I can cry. My sister has been crying since we put her there. She cries after each visit. I was wondering what’s wrong with me that I had the bulk of the caregiving responsibility because she was living with me, but I couldn’t cry. I felt like I was in robot mode.
It feels so relieving to get this pent up pressure and anxiety out finally. To know I can feel again. Maybe joy can come next.
Thank you for posting about this because I really needed it. God bless you and your mom on the next chapter of your journey whichever you choose.
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Loss of anything precious leads to grief! You want your mom and a part of you is upset that she seems happier there than with you. Decide if you want mom with you or not. If you want her with you, get the schedule from the facility and learn some of the "tricks" the staff are using to redirect mom. If you bring her home, put those practices into play. Maybe your mom would benefit from an adult day program - Monday through Friday daytimes spent with other seniors in either a personal care home or nursing home. She might enjoy the activities, getting out, and making friends.
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I also want to thank you for posting. Your words have given me hope for the future as at some point, I hope my mom can go to a facility and do so well as your mother. All she does here at home is sit and watch TV, look through the newspaper, and I am expected to be her constant companion. It's really starting to take a toll on me, so again thank you for posting, and I wish you the very best.
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Lucilleball Jul 2021
It has been 3 weeks now - I am going for my first visit tomorrow. Praying I don’t upset the apple cart. They send me so many pictures of her “being happy”. My suggestion would be to do it now - as sad as I am, I know it is the right thing to do and slowly feel I have my space back - I too was her constant companion
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you are crying because it is like losing someone you love out of your life. your life was consumed with the caring, etc and now its gone, like someone being killed in an accident.....they are gone (but not really).....you can go visit as often as you like, take her little snacks (if allowed), watch some tv with her and then slowly cut back your days until you feel comfortable with the situation that she is truly surviving there with other people her age and doing things. its always hard to let go, just like parents with little ones when they grow up and go on their own. wishing you luck.
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These are all the emotions you have held in check for so long and the huge relief your mental and physical selves are feeling. Crying is a release. Allow yourself time to adjust and along the way, do little things for yourself.

Go to a movie, go for a walk at a park and feed the squirrels, get out in the sunshine, go to one of the bookstores that has a little cafe in eat where you can have a cup of coffee and read a book or magazines. Take short little day trips somewhere. Go to Starbucks so you're around other people and have a cup of coffee and read a book, your computer, the newspaper. Go shopping and buy a new top, maybe something colorful. Maybe go to a restaurant that has a bar and sit at the bar ( you can get a non-alcoholic drink, if you like ) and try to join in a conversation. Maybe take an online or in-person class somewhere. You could go to one of those painting with a twist one-time "class" where you come home with a painting.

But let yourself cry.... it will lessen over time.
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You shouldn't take their word for it, of course they'll say leave her she's doing fine.

Talk to your mom and see what she Free.

Not fun being out of your element.

Not fun being made to get up, get dressed when you might prefer staying in your bathrobe relaxing.

My sister use to work in an elderly place and just so she would have time to get everyone bathed or showered, she would have to wake people up starting 5 in the morning. Would you like someone coming to your room, waking you up at 5 AM telling you morning, it's time for your bath?

If your not sure, ask yourself if you'd rather be there or in your own home?

Ask the place if you can put a camera in your mom's room so you can view and hear first hand,, how shes doing anytime you want 24 7 from your cell or computer.

I installed Nest Cameras which work great and pretty easy to install in my Dad's house so I could see how he and the Caregivers interacted.

Most Senior Homes are understaffed and your just another patient to them.

If an animal at the Zoo that's in the most beautiful cage and space you've ever seen could talk, would they say it's great, I would rather be here than wild and free. I don't think so.

Mout people do better in their own home where they feel more loved, happy and safe.
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wolflover451 Jul 2021
its true some places and most NH places have a routine that they have to stick to, but my mom is in a NH and she said they let her sleep until about 7:30 or 8, she is not up at 5 and IF she doesn't want a bath that day in their shower area, they do a bed bath. And yes not all places are the Hilton, but neither are some peoples homes. no one has time to clean 24/7 and if they do, they aren't doing anything else either. no one has a perfectly spick and span home, and is this woman getting around others her age where in a NH she might be, she can do bingo, other games, watch group movies, etc. most places do not allow cameras due to privacy policies so if a place does not allow it and a person is secretly putting one up, it could cause issues if found out. Yes some of the personnel see the residents as just another patient, but where my mom is there are plenty of caring staff and actually cry when someone passes. if you want someone to feel loved when in a NH, then you have to visit and show it. And depending on how bad the patient is,,,they might be better in an environment where they are getting their meals timely, their meds timely, they need a routine. and sometimes the actual caregiver is so worn out that the love they had has disappeared because now they are dreading the everyday caregiving they are doing.
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Very good answers below. It's difficult seeing a loved one decline. Sometimes I find tears welling up when I am visiting my mother in her memory care unit. Sometimes after the visit I cry. It sounds like your mother is in a very good facility. Keep your visits with your mother as loving and joyful as you can so that the time you spend with her is quality time. You can let go of the responsibility of her basic daily care and just focus on the love you have for her. Your responsibilty now is to make sure that she is being well cared for.
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It’s natural to cry, don’t be hard on yourself. Even if it’s the solution you wanted and you now have it it’s a grief process, Change, however good or beneficial, is not easy. You may feel relieved but also frightened of letting go. Give yourself time to heal and for self-care, you are exhausted mentally and physically and you need time to process your emotions. These things take time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Blessings and prayers.
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The fact that you put mom in respite care is evidence that it was all too difficult for you … and that she’s doing well proves she’s happier too.
you’re feeling a lot of guilt thinking
she should be home with you. We’ve all been there but we need to
come to realize when it’s way more than we can handle . Admit that !!
there’s no good solution for this .and
it Has to work for both of you !!
I felt same everyday my husband was in care .. you’re probably perfectionist. But you need to realize that
you’re doing the very best you can ..
she’s well cared for .. safe… and happy . What more can you want.
huge blessing that she loves being there (that may change .. be prepared) visit often .. take her outings .. bring food small gifts and enjoy her without all the grunt work
bad behaviours and boredom.
by the way this forum helps way more than psychologist so save your $ .
Best luck
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You will :)
Currently you are suffering from a mixture of relief/grief. Relief that she is being well cared for and has settled well, and grief that you have lost her - it can feel as though someone has died because they are not in the same life as before, or you know she will never come out.
We have to come to terms with these things. Life has changed, but as you become used to the situation you will feel better. For now don't worry about the crying it is a very normal way to relieve emotion. Hugs to you as you go through this change in your life. Be happy for Mum that she is comfortable, has company and has settled in.
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This is a phase. Same when we got marry and they cried because our lives will be different now. I'm pretty sure all those answers you got, are well meant. Add all those to mine, it's the separation that hurts. Good thing is you can always visit and spend time with her.
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I'm sure a lot of the crying is release of stress and all the changes to you and your mother's life. I cry easily - as a teenager I could cry at the drop of a hat and cry for hours - in my 30s i couldn't cry even though I knew it would make me feel better. I'm back to crying - well not at a drop of the hat - but easier - some tears are stress related, some from emotional pain, tear jerker movies and parts of book. Let the tears flow and find ways to relax the tears will eventually dwindle away. Take some time for yourself - linger over coffee, lose yourself in a good book, get plenty of sleep. Be happy that your mother is in a place that where she is relatively happy and well cared for.

Know that you are still your mother's caregiver - your role is just different - you are now her advocate to make sure she gets what is needed. You again get to be her daughter when you visit. You no longer have the stress of the day to day care of mom but have a team of caregivers around the clock trained to care for mom.

Be kind to yourself; may you be blessed with peace, grace, joy and love.
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Caregiving is so hard, so intense, that all the attention is on the LO. It’s like being in emergency mode all the time. Then the pressure is off when she’s in a safe place, and there’s even more lift knowing she’s getting great care and is happy. Seemingly suddenly all the sadness and grief comes out when there’s emotional room for it.

This winter and spring were intense as my brother had two brain surgeries for cancer, and then for two months bounced around hospitals and nursing facilities when he developed an infection and later Covid. I realized cancer treatment would not be successful so finally made the decision to put him in hospice. I also found a much better nursing facility too. Once he was settled in with such great care I had a lot less worry. But suddenly I couldn’t get anything done. Then I realized I was very depressed—now the grief was here and I could recognize. Since then I have felt better.

Let the tears come. They’re healing. And what a blessing that your mom is doing so well!
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I’m in a similar position. My mom destroyed her house there are tax returns from 1983 out along with my report cards from grade school, she blew out a chandelier, smashed a vase of her mother’s. I’m waiting till March to bring her back and then do day care.. She’s not like this at the Memory facility. Meanwhile I’m going to read up on distraction and manage the ambivalent emotions.
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As caregivers we often neglect ourselves - and we have no time to even grieve the changes we have watched our loved ones go through. We are always “On” - it’s realistic to see that this will take time for you to adjust to.
I don’t think any one of us could ever “fully” explain what our caregiving journeys have been like - they are filled with so many different versions of highs and lows - good and bad - and strength and weaknesses. I think you are just actually feeling and going through a lot of the emotions that we as caregivers suppress in order to get done what we have to get done in an often impossible world.
Give yourself this time - let it out - cry - laugh - do something for yourself (which probably feels foreign) - join a support group - find a therapist and take one day at a time. Most of all “Breathe” - and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. Crying is good - it will refresh you and allow you to feel lighter and hopefully strengthen you so you continue to make the best decisions going forward for you both. Biggest hug - and as mom and I sing and say in times when we feel we are a crossroad and not sure where our next path leads - we sing “Every little thing is going to be Alright”. In that moment we are letting go and allowing faith to guide us 🌷
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I totally agree with you. Took care of my wheel bound husband with vascular dementia. It was 24/7 with few hours a weeks help from aides. Got burned out. Cried day and night thought I would have a nervous breakdown. Found out I had breast cancer needed surgery and radiation. Knew I couldn’t take care of him any longer. Put him in a home care facility and when visiting him he keeps asking to come home. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m still crying even though he’s there. But if I can’t take care of myself I can’t take care of him! At least he has 3 meals nurses on staff and help if he needs it. My prayers are with you. Please hang in there.
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Lucilleball;

You don't mention how long you've been taking care of your mother, but likely long enough or maybe even a little too long. You probably have a lot of pent up emotions that can finally be expressed. While caring for her, there wasn't time to just sit and let it all out!

There could be any number of reasons for why you are crying. Relief, but feeling guilty for being relieved? Sad because she seems to be doing so much better there than under your care? Realizing this will be the final stage in mom's journey? Feeling alone, a different kind of "empty nest" syndrome?

Go ahead and cry. Get it all out. After a short while, go visit mom. She may express desire to go home, so be prepared with redirection - ask to meet her new friends, join in activities, bring small gifts to distract her, etc. Also have your exit "strategy" prepared. If possible, get her interested in some activity and excuse yourself to use the lady's room, so she won't be begging to go with you and upsetting you.

Try not to feel guilt for feeling relieved. Care-giving for those with dementia IS difficult. I would be SO relieved if my mother had adjusted as well as your mother has! She wasn't too difficult, but so many have a hard time. You are blessed that the transition has gone so well!

Try not to feel like you failed somehow because she seems to do so well there and is relatively happy. They are a team, not one person, managing it all AND have a lot more experience too! You are one person who was struggling to do it all. There is also a lot of activity and distractions to keep her more "occupied", where you had to manage everything yourself AND try to entertain her! Without realizing it, you were probably very stressed, and our emotions, even unspoken, can affect their emotions, so it may be why she exhibited agression.

This is why so often we recommend facilities. So long as we take the time to properly vet the place, it can often be so much better for those with dementia. It is said that socializing and various activities DO help, both in sometimes slowing the progression AND in giving them an outlet for their own needs. Unfortunately keeping a LO home only allows a limited amount of socializing, mostly with the one providing the care, and since we have to manage everything there is less time and energy for coming up with various activities to stimulate them!

It is a sad time when we have to do this, but it is wonderful how well she is doing. There will be more times that you feel like crying, but it should get better over time. Don't repress the tears - they need to be shed. Cry for happy! This is all new to you. What you'd planned as a respite time is likely to become permanent. Look forward to visiting with your mother, being her loving daughter again, instead of a stressed out care-giver. Now you can try enjoying your times together instead of struggling to be Super-Daughter-Care-Giver. Make some wonderful memories for you to cherish!
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Pasvaiskas91 Jul 2021
Very helpful answer and so very true!
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Dear God I hope I get the same results next month when my hubby goes to respite care. That way the decision is out of my hands.
I know I will cry too; not because he's at MC but because the man i loved and married is gone.

I imagine you are crying because the mother you've known and loved is gone. Never to return. She is in a place where people with much more training and experience will make sure she is safe and cared for. You can now go visit a new friend who just happens to look like your mom. I'm sending you a huge hug
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lealonnie1 Jul 2021
Well said, my friend. And very sad. Wishing the best possible outcome for you and your DH next month when you place him. Sending YOU a huge hug and a prayer for strength in this difficult time of transition
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You’re crying for all the reasons mentioned here and because you are at the crossroads of deciding whether or not to bring her back home or if it’s best to let her stay where she is adapting and finding interests she needs. It’s a lot to deal with and crying is actually a healthy way to help you deal with it.
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I think tears are cathartic. You have been through a lot. Your body is releasing anxiety, fear, uncertainty and frustration. You are healing. Your care and recovery is just as important as your mom’s safety. Be good to yourself in as many ways as possible! 🌺🌺🌺
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Having a mother with dementia is a loss; a huge loss, in fact. If you were caring for her at home, it may feel to you like you did a 'bad job' of things since now she's doing extremely well in the private facility she's in. That's not the case, either.........I'm certain you did a FINE job of caring for her. Sometimes an elder needs more stimulation than what is found at home. Take my mother for instance. She lives in a Memory Care ALF with 22 other residents who she complains about chronically. Says she can't stand them, and they're 'stupid idiots' who drive her crazy, etc. In reality, while that may be true, they're occupying her with their drama. All that interaction, good and bad, keeps the focus off of her pain & misery most of the time, and on THEIR 'dreadful' behavior. You see what I'm saying? She eats 3 hot meals a day with these women, they do crafts together, watch movies, sit outside in the garden in the 'boiling hot sun' and ride the mini bus up to the mountains for a scenic afternoon outing. She's kept busy while incontinent and in a wheelchair, which would not happen if she was living with me. There's no Activity Director in my house and no chef prepping 3 meals a day and 3 healthy snacks, either. In fact, we're having tuna sandwiches for dinner tonight! In her case, she's much better off living in the Memory Care & having me go visit her there rather than living with me and me trying to be her caregiver, which would have ME feeling miserable 24/7. That's just the truth.

Cry if you need to, that's fine.

"Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
~Rita Schiano

Your mother is safe & having a good time in the ALF. Thank God for that. You're freed up now to live your own life and relax a bit. Thank God for that, too. It's okay to feel relief and cry for IT, too.

Wishing you all the best of luck in this next phase of your life.
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Maple3044 Jul 2021
Thank you for your response. You always hit the nail on the head with your message.Bless you
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I am happy your mom is adjusting well. I think it is great she is interactiong and content. I would let her stay put where she can get professional care and less stress on you. As far as crying goes I think it is normal reaction because it a big change for both of you.
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