My father, 84, recently moved to AL (but likely in need of memory care ASAP). He calls multiple times a night leaving lengthy voicemails about how he is stuck in a motel, can’t find his car, etc. I want to cancel his service, but let him keep the phone as a comfort item. Is this a good idea? Will not being able to reach me cause more agitation? He does have a landline with a list of numbers for family and friends. The calls and voicemails are really taking a toll on me.
More information about TeleCalm here!
Patathome01
But he’d sign up for things, or call the same person multiple times. Did things that we had to “undo.”
Once while in the hospital, he texted a selfie to someone, hospital gown and all. I had to go through his phone and apologize to many recipients of odd texts that mostly consisted of random letters or videos about animals.
Sometimes we told him the phone was broken. Sometimes we deleted numbers. We added a land line, but he wasn’t interested. We decided not to say the phone was lost. Because as you say, it is like a security blanket.
It took months, but finally the phone is no longer his focus.
I agree that letting him leave voicemails that you don’t see or listen to may be comforting to him. It allows him to communicate his thoughts and concerns. And it also allows you some reprieve.
But it is possible to break the habit. It just takes time. Hang in there. We are all rooting for you.
If your dad gets agitated, obtain an ombudsman to talk with your dad over and over again.
There are phone services designed specifically for elder and dementia patients, such as Grandpad, Telecalm, and Bark (designed for children),
which allow you to limit their outgoing (as well as incoming) call activity.
He might like the Grandpad, which can be programmed by you, and he can make calls, including video calls by simply touching the photo of the person he wants to call. But, you can set a limit on what numbers he can call, and how often.
I like JoAnn's suggestion that you could take away his cell phone and his landline phone, forcing him to get the help of facility staff, who would call you with an emergency. But, he could become confused and anxious, especially if he doesn't understand how to get help from someone at the facility. He could be banging on other resident's doors in a panic. And, he could feel extremely frustrated that he has no way to contact family members.
Talk with a member of his care team and get some suggestions on how best to handle this.
If he gets agitated not being able to reach you, so what. He's in assisted living. They can handle him getting agitated. Give them permission to medicate him when he's agitated. The others on the thread are right in that it's probably time for him to be in memory care.
Letting him keep the phone, is like a security blanket. At some point when you have time, tell him "dad there is a phone update" let me have your phone (do this in front of him) so I can download and update the new software.
Then do what you can to hide/delete functions that confuse him. I had to do this w/my mom so she only had access to photos, calls incoming/outgoing and voice mail. All the other functions on her smart phone were either removed or hidden (I moved many functions) to a fantom icon "named "delete all functions" NOT on the front facing screen and told here to never press that as then the phone would delete everything....
Blocking her number then was the next step; so as others have said I could choose to listen when I wanted. I told my mom, you will not hear a "greeting when you call me" I have a problem with my phone; just leave a message and I can call you back later. She could call as many times at any hour and about once a week I would listen or delete the messages as most were 2 am nonsensical things...
If there is a real emergency, the staff will call you!
Other folks also blocked her number, as she'd do the same thing with them: call ten times in a row at like 2 am; freaking out about her plants not getting water or not able to use her phone, BUT SHE WAS CALLING on her phone.
Finally, just calmly set a boundary with him; "Dad I will call you back once a week, on Tuesday" and we can have a long chat then. No need to explain, just say it over and over, but then call at the appointed day/time. The rest of the calls to you, are blocked but he can nevertheless leave a voice message.
This so hard, and hopefully you do not beat yourself up about it. He is in a different reality now and you have to create your new reality in dealing with him and this. Obviously NOT easy, but it will get easier for you if you set boundaries and limits as no one can take this type of chaos. Taking care of your self is key here and he is getting the care he needs at his facility.
This is a journey, neither you or your loved one wanted to take. Many of us are on the same sad journey. Be strong!
Let his calls go to voicemail,. you can listen to them, or not, when you want.
I am curious does he call others on the landline or his cell phone causing them distress with his calls? If so it might be time to restrict the phones to day time only. and if one or the other "breaks" then it is time to remove it...while you wait for the other one to "break".
Oh, it also has a nice voice recording if your loved one tries to call out during night hours, that says, "It's nighttime now, but you can call again in the morning" or something like that.
Telling him didn't do anything but increase the calls, do not disturb worked great. My nerves were soon only frayed and not shattered.
Remember that your well-being matters and you are the only one that can know when enough is enough, new plan needed. Don't ever feel guilty about taking care of you, because your loved one is up a crick without a paddle without you. They will survive regular breaks and extended breaks for you to survive this season in life. Create the expectations that YOU can truly live with.
Does Dad call other people at inappropriate times? If so, I would definitely cancel his cell and maybe his landline too. Tell the staff that he is not allowed to use the facility phone, a staff members or a residents. The facility can call you with emergencies only. They need to handle everything else.
I learned the hard way that I needed to use the Do Not Disturb feature because my mom would call 10 times overnight. I did add the RN's phone number and the mainline for Mom's AL facility to my list of Favorites so I can receive those calls overnight.
+1 on OP taking their father's cellphone, and if he asks, say "It's in for repairs." Hopefully he'll forget about it soon enough.