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They only come to visit and they sit with grandma the whole time talking about me like I am not there. They like to tell me I need to do this more and that more. When grandma asks for a glass of water they come out of their way to come and get me to get it when I am getting ready for work. They don't want to help but they want to tell me to do more and whispers in grandma's ears to yell at me to do more when they are unemployed and I am her caregiver and work full time. When the aunts are over they criticize me and it's happy go lucky with the other grandchildren and they don't ask them for help. I have to cook and clean and host the family gatherings and they don't want to stay to help. It's like they are sitting in a circle taking turns finding things I did not do. Now that I left one granddaughter only has to stay one night and she's praised as the hero and I am told I need to help out more. They call her strong for handling it vs me but I made it clear I was doing it 24/7 with the family yelling at me and I was working cleaning, yard work, handing work, electrical work and had to sweep the roof. Plus, I was doing it for close to a year before I left and it's only been two weeks for her.

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There is another thread

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-right-to-say-no-and-what-is-the-best-way-462585.htm

I think Aprl got a lot of feed back on her newest thread.

Please Aprl, seems you are going well don't fall back into their clutches. I also recommend you stick to your newest thread. Gets confusing when u have two going and this one is 3 months old.
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Since I left they tell me that I understand why you left all the way to I put them through hell because I left. When I was a caregiver, they were supposed to find a caregiver but they said they were not able to find one for her because she didn't qualify for Medicaid( that's what they told me) so they used intimidation and guilt to make me the caregiver even though the agreement was that we would rotate and they would hire a caregiver. I was not supposed to be caregiver but the family and siblings gaslighted me and at the time it made sense that I had to move in with her and do everything. Once I moved out it didn't even take them a week to hire a caregiver so no there was no one person to blame for doing something. They hired people to care for her, do her cleaning and yard so they didn't have to do it. When I was doing it and i would try to visit grandma and family just sit there in a circle looking at every single grass weed, dust, anything they can find wrong that i could not do. When i went over there the place was a mess and it was nothing but bragging at each other how hard they work
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What can you do? Well, you can't change them. You can only change yourself and your reaction to their B.S.

These things you say you "have" to do, are not really have to's. You are allowing yourself to feel like your lovely family pushing you and expecting you to do things means you have to. BUT no, you can draw some lines in the sand, some boundaries and do not do what you do not want to do anymore.

I'm not saying it will be easy but it's gotta be done.

Now, I see that you did leave! Whoops, Well good for you. I pity the one who took your place since I'm sure she'll be getting the same lovely treatment that was given to you.

Do some nice things for you! Take care of yourself. Keep your distance from them and see them when and if it is a good thing for you. You really don't owe anybody anything. It feels like we do, but we really don't.
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Arp1754 Oct 2020
Actually my sister took over and she gets all the praises and gets paid while people actually relieved her at least two days. It's not enough for her because she wants to call me out to relieve her saying I need to step up because she wants to set up her own doctor's appointment on days she works to try to make us look bad. I just started going over there and I don't feel comfortable being alone with grandma. It was a traumatic experience and I feel flashbacks and anxiety attacks like I can't breathe and tries to pressure me to watch. She says I need to step up when her kids go back to school. She fails to do her duties every one pitied her but I was being treated like a criminal when I was already slaving around doing more than I should but they wanted me to do more.
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You can’t change any of these people, they are adults and make their own choices. The one you can change is you, stop being their doormat and thinking you alone “have” to do all these things. Do exactly what you feel you can handle and don’t apologize that you can’t do more. It will be on others to either do what’s needed or hire help to get it done. We truly do teach people how to treat us, time to teach them to treat you better
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Good, you left. They will find out all you did because I bet the one who is there now won't do the work you did. The Aunts are going to have to do more and more. What I don't understand is why a grandchild is expected to do, why aren't Grandmoms own daughters doing for her. They probably will never admit you did anything. You may just have to ignore them and go on your merry way. What does your parent feel? I really give you credit for standing up to them.

Actually, this is a life lesson. This happens in the workforce too. They find you can do the work and they pile more and more onto you. When u have had enough and quit, they have to hire 2 people to do your job.
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