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My husband is 83 with mid to late stage Alzheimer's. I am sole caregiver with an aide two days a week for 4 hours each. I am in process of cleaning out my old home to sell which is where my "free" time goes. Almost done thank God. My 95 year old mother still lives on own but feeling lonely as her friends have all died or in nursing homes. Problem my oldest brother thinks I should spend a day a week with her. She lives an hour away from me and my husband gets upset after 20 minutes in car. He keeps putting guilt trip on. I have 1 sister and three brothers only one still working. I feel 3 not working should take on this task. Am I wrong?

Tell brother u will visit your mom if he will come sit w your husband for that day. Make this unconditional. He needs to experience what u r dealing with!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 4, 2020
Great answer!
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Your mother has made a choice to live in isolation.

It's not your job to solve that problem. It's hers.

Right now, your hands are more than full. Tell your brother/mother that your husband has no other good choices right now. He is your first responsibility.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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No your not wrong. Caring for a person with late stage ALZ is enough for one person. Tell brother you are sorry but at this stage of husbands ALZ there is no way you can visit Mom. Tell him DH no longer travels well (my Mom was ready to go home after an hour) that being away from home overwhelms him. He can no longer be left alone. Right now you are a 24/7 caregiver. You don't need to say anything about an aide coming in. That is your downtime that you need to run errands, get to appts.
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So agreeing with JoAnn29 and FloridaDD. I get it that your siblings want help, but it's just not right to hound you when you're tapped out and have your hands more than full.

"I can't possibly do more than I doing."
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kdcm1011 Mar 6, 2020
Love that statement! Another for my arsenal.
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What's the task?

Your mother doesn't have any care needs, as such? This is a matter of her seeing her children, and socialisation in general?

How is your relationship with your mother? Disregard what your brother says; think for yourself whether you would like to see more of her - or maybe call her, if she's okay with phone conversations - and act accordingly.

Don't subject your husband to car journeys or visits that he can't handle, certainly. His needs come first. Or is your brother offering to come and stay with your husband so that you're free to visit your mother..? - no, thought not.

If some of your mother's friends are in nursing homes, perhaps one or more of the three retired siblings might like to take mother to visit them. It would be nice for mother, lovely for the NH residents, and a change of scene/activity for the visiting sibling - win:win:win.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Seriously?

Usually I try to read people's threads with an open mind & don't judge. But your brother is a goat.

Give me his phone number. I'll ring him up for you & tell him.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 4, 2020
Let’s hear a sample of what you’d say, Beatty! 😊
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How in the world can you do more than you are? You have enough on your plate. Your husband is your first priority.

I would be completely frank and say that you have your own responsibilities. Mom should hire help if they need additional assistance. I am sorry that you are being made to feel guilty.
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Just say no. That policy has to work for something, right?
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LittleOrchid Mar 6, 2020
My thoughts, exactly. "NO" is all that needs to be said.
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Your siblings have no right to tell you what to do. Only you get decide how you spend your time. Your plate is overfull. Tell them you're sorry but you are not able to help at this time. Don't let them guilt you into ANYTHING.

Maybe she needs some hired help and/or to go into a home.
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Maybe get mad " Don't you try to guilt me. You have no idea what I put up with 24/7. My husband suffers from ALZ. His condition is unpredictable. I have no idea how he is going to be from day to day. He is in a stage now that he gets overwhelmed when he is away from the house. If things were different I would be glad to help and spend time with her but I have my hands full. And its not going to get better. Its going to get worse. DH cannot be alone. Anytime I get to myself, goes to grocery shopping and running errands. I see no one." Maybe that will get to him. If not, he is a controlling a _ _. He is your brother not your boss.

Just call Mom when u can. If she says she would love to see you just tell her what I said only nicer. Sorry Mom, but DH is not doing well and I can not leave him alone and the drive overwhelms him. I would love to be there but I just can't and I am not sure when I can because DH will just get worse.
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Harpcat Mar 6, 2020
Perfect! "He’s your brother not your boss!"
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