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My husband is 83 with mid to late stage Alzheimer's. I am sole caregiver with an aide two days a week for 4 hours each. I am in process of cleaning out my old home to sell which is where my "free" time goes. Almost done thank God. My 95 year old mother still lives on own but feeling lonely as her friends have all died or in nursing homes. Problem my oldest brother thinks I should spend a day a week with her. She lives an hour away from me and my husband gets upset after 20 minutes in car. He keeps putting guilt trip on. I have 1 sister and three brothers only one still working. I feel 3 not working should take on this task. Am I wrong?

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No your not wrong. Caring for a person with late stage ALZ is enough for one person. Tell brother you are sorry but at this stage of husbands ALZ there is no way you can visit Mom. Tell him DH no longer travels well (my Mom was ready to go home after an hour) that being away from home overwhelms him. He can no longer be left alone. Right now you are a 24/7 caregiver. You don't need to say anything about an aide coming in. That is your downtime that you need to run errands, get to appts.
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Agree with PP, you cannot handle this.   Just tell older brother.  I would also accept that it is fair for mom to pay children who do help, don't know if you want to say that to OB
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So agreeing with JoAnn29 and FloridaDD. I get it that your siblings want help, but it's just not right to hound you when you're tapped out and have your hands more than full.

"I can't possibly do more than I doing."
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kdcm1011 Mar 2020
Love that statement! Another for my arsenal.
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Your mother has made a choice to live in isolation.

It's not your job to solve that problem. It's hers.

Right now, your hands are more than full. Tell your brother/mother that your husband has no other good choices right now. He is your first responsibility.
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Tthanks and I brought up paying my sister who does most of work anyway. That kind of died. He was not happy with it. He of course has more funds than the rest of us put together. He keeps doing this to me and I'm left upset for days which only upsets DH as he knows when I'm sick or upset.
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JoAnn29 Mar 2020
Don't allow brother to upset you. Better u get mad that he doesn't understand what ur dealing with. Tell him your husband is a 24/7 job. That your sorry about Mom but you just are not able to do anything. To continue asking or trying guilt you will not work because your husband is your #1 priority.

Once u do that, don't answer his calls, let them go to VM. Then u can pick the ones you want to answer.
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His much money brother has doesnt come into it. MOM'S funds pay for moms care.

Have you ever considered blocking brother's phone number?
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Just say no. That policy has to work for something, right?
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LittleOrchid Mar 2020
My thoughts, exactly. "NO" is all that needs to be said.
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How in the world can you do more than you are? You have enough on your plate. Your husband is your first priority.

I would be completely frank and say that you have your own responsibilities. Mom should hire help if they need additional assistance. I am sorry that you are being made to feel guilty.
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What's the task?

Your mother doesn't have any care needs, as such? This is a matter of her seeing her children, and socialisation in general?

How is your relationship with your mother? Disregard what your brother says; think for yourself whether you would like to see more of her - or maybe call her, if she's okay with phone conversations - and act accordingly.

Don't subject your husband to car journeys or visits that he can't handle, certainly. His needs come first. Or is your brother offering to come and stay with your husband so that you're free to visit your mother..? - no, thought not.

If some of your mother's friends are in nursing homes, perhaps one or more of the three retired siblings might like to take mother to visit them. It would be nice for mother, lovely for the NH residents, and a change of scene/activity for the visiting sibling - win:win:win.
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Seriously?

Usually I try to read people's threads with an open mind & don't judge. But your brother is a goat.

Give me his phone number. I'll ring him up for you & tell him.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
Let’s hear a sample of what you’d say, Beatty! 😊
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Tell brother u will visit your mom if he will come sit w your husband for that day. Make this unconditional. He needs to experience what u r dealing with!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
Great answer!
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Your siblings have no right to tell you what to do. Only you get decide how you spend your time. Your plate is overfull. Tell them you're sorry but you are not able to help at this time. Don't let them guilt you into ANYTHING.

Maybe she needs some hired help and/or to go into a home.
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When he starts in, just say. "I have to go, love you Brother, bye" and hang up. Repeat as necessary.
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1. "No I can't possibly do that". Quote by Barb (thanks Barb!)

2. The 💩 sandwich method:
That's so nice of you to be looking out for Mum. I'm sorry it is just not possible for us to travel anymore to spend a day but it is a good idea for Mum to be more social. Can I help you to brainstorm other ideas?

3. Softly spoken with honesty: I've tried not to burden the rest of the family with what DH & I are dealing with, the ALZ. It's really tough. I'm so sorry I can't get to see Mum more but I really can't be on two places at once & he really needs me here.

4. The Castle movie quote: tell him he's dreamin' (must be said in Ocker Ozzie accent).
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JoAnn29 Mar 2020
👌
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Tell brother to bring mom to your house for a day visit once a month. That way you can take care of both of them in place. You don't drive anywhere.

Better yet tell brother you have enough to do. I know because I have unreasonable relatives like that. They only think of themselves.

Better yet ignore, block your brother. Don't answer his phone calls, don't read or answer his emails. It will probably only be negative.
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Maybe get mad " Don't you try to guilt me. You have no idea what I put up with 24/7. My husband suffers from ALZ. His condition is unpredictable. I have no idea how he is going to be from day to day. He is in a stage now that he gets overwhelmed when he is away from the house. If things were different I would be glad to help and spend time with her but I have my hands full. And its not going to get better. Its going to get worse. DH cannot be alone. Anytime I get to myself, goes to grocery shopping and running errands. I see no one." Maybe that will get to him. If not, he is a controlling a _ _. He is your brother not your boss.

Just call Mom when u can. If she says she would love to see you just tell her what I said only nicer. Sorry Mom, but DH is not doing well and I can not leave him alone and the drive overwhelms him. I would love to be there but I just can't and I am not sure when I can because DH will just get worse.
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Harpcat Mar 2020
Perfect! "He’s your brother not your boss!"
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Go visit your brother with your husband for at least half a day. Pick up your mom on the way. Take food to cook. Let your brother see how much work putting the two together, cooking caring etc can be and why it would be too much for you.
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Judysai422 Mar 2020
Even better, tell your brother you will be happy to take care of mom as long as HE comes to take care of your husband while you do so. Or tell him he can pay for a caregiver to stay with DH while you are away.
Oops, did not see that XenaJada already said that.😉
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Don't do it...period. Problem solved...take care of your husband and leave the rest to the kind siblings; you don't have to prove a thing.

You can give me his cell number as well and let me talk to him...I promise I won't hurt him too much lol
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Of course you’re not wrong. Tell them like it is, set your boundaries. No one can make you do anything you can't or don’t want to do. They don’t have a clue what you are dealing with. Tell your brother to man up and do it! Your siblings are being unreasonable. And here's the deal...no is a complete sentence and you really don’t owe an explanation. Yes, it might be hard for them to accept. The problem with us women, is we are so afraid to hurt anyone’s feelings or to stand up for our own best interests. Need to get over that and lose any guilt or bad feelings for doing what is right. Visit her when it works out not on their schedule.
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I dealt with this for the past 6 mos. my grandma went to be the lord on feb. 8. I’m so sorry girl your having to deal with this and still be everybody’s caregiver. For some reason guys think it’s a woman’s job to take of things. Please please have a talk with him. Your husband is your first priority. I know you love your mom but please please have a talk with them and work out a schedule. Communication is key. Best wishes

i will be praying for you that you find peace and your family will step up. It’s hard work to be a caregiver.
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Bjwalters Mar 2020
Thank you, peace to you as well. You understand
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Family burdens are rarely equally shared. Don't feel guilty if you cannot take on extra care giving duties. I'm sure you visit your mother as much as you can. Perhaps it is time for your mother to move into a senior facility, if she will agree to it. She will have other people to talk to and they provide activities and meals and support. Your family won't have to worry that she is being cared for.
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Bjwalters Mar 2020
I've suggested assisted living. I feel She would be much happier with more company. I'm going to continue singing praises vvuua phone to mom. One brother and sister say no. Three of us say yes.
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No, I think you are someone who can set boundaries, is realistic, and know your limits. Don't let imposed guilt rule your decisions. You can only do what you can do.
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Bjwalters Mar 2020
Thank you. I have set limits for over a year now. Brother just tired of having to visit every week. I can't. I had already decided to tell him I'm going to visit mom and dropping hubby at your house you and your wife can take care of him while I'm gone. I do talk to mom almost daily. She understands. Others just dont.
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I would tell your brother "I would love to visit mom. You come stay with my husband while I visit."
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You sure have good responses. An hour drive makes it possible for them to bring Mom to you for a short visit. Maybe, just maybe, your Mom really misses you and doesn't understand not seeing you as often. Can you use all this wonderful technology and talk to her by internet - face time? I hope you find reassurance in knowing your husband needs you and you don't answer to others. Do what is right for your situation,
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She’s your mom, go visit when you feel like it...No one can dictate how you live your life! Brother doesn’t pay your bills, he only has charge over what you give him. If you allow him to control your emotions, then You also allow him to take charge of your life. Be realistic and tell him to take a hike! He has no power over you and you are free to visit your mom on your terms and in your own time frame. I hate it when people try to micromanage other people’s lives. Hugs to you.
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No, you aren't wrong. How about once a month? And even if that's too much ask them if they would be willing to come to your house and sit with your husband while you visit with your mom?
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Ask one of them to come take care of your hubby and then you can go to moms ,they will see you already have your plate full and shut up
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No you’re not wrong & you already have your hands full! If he wants you to spend a couple hours w mom or take her to lunch, then maybe have bro come over to be with your husband! If your mom still able to live on her own & she’s just lonely..you can only do so much...take her out to lunch! Tell bro to stay w your hubby while you’re there...Hugs 🤗
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Stick to your guns about what you can do and are comfortable about doing. Please visit your mom, but in a way that works for you. Talk to your family about what mom's needs are and how each person will help meet those needs. It is not your problem to fix mom, it is a family plan to help mom. If her children can not help enough, talk with your brother or her about getting paid help covered by mom's finances... just as you are already doing to make it work in your life.
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You are right. Tell the brother you are unable to do this.
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