How can I handle siblings who insist I help with caregiving for my 95 year old mother while I'm a full time caregiver for husband?

I liked katiekate's response ....”sure...come on over and take care of Hubby while I am gone”. I’ll wait for your arrival so that I can depart knowing hubby is in good care. Oh, and make sure that you change his adult diaper at least every two hours”.  hilarious.... and I think it would put things into perspective for your siblings about your current day to day obligations before adding mom into the mix.

I would host a meeting with all of your siblings to discuss mom's needs.  There is nothing wrong with saying I can't take this on, but I can help make decisions about options.  You could suggest one of them take her in, you could suggest an Assisted Living Facility, you could suggest an agency send a "sitter" in for 3 hrs a day...etc.  There are also adult day cares she could go to for companionship.

Bottom line is you can say no.  I will visit when I can, but I have my hands full.

I think you have gotten some good responses, most telling you that Hubby is #1 responsibility now. OB may never understand until he experiences what Dementia and ALZ are like.

Come back and tell us how it goes.

Bjwalters just adding my vote to say you are not wrong for taking on that additional, unreasonable task. I read your response below regarding your OB. He doesn't know where the boundaries are unless you clearly show him. And yes, he will not like it and will continue to try to maraud over them. It's probably one more thing that makes you sad...but you did a valiant job of being a surrogate mom involuntarily and now you are doing another valiant job with your hubby -- and that's plenty! May you receive peace in your heart that you ARE doing the right and best thing. xxoo

No u are not wrong. Simply tell them no. U have to take care of your husband, you cannot split yourself in 2 or let them make u feel guilty for what you cannot do, if they cannot understand that is their issue and not yours to worry about .
U can say the truth politely without debate. Simply tell them though you love ur mom your husband comes 1st with his illness and it just cannot work.
Hugs and prayers for you as you get through this times as a full time caretaker of your husband

Your hands are full Bjwalters as caring for your Husband with late stages alzheimer's is full on and I know that only too well. If oldest Brother only knew what your day entails He would understand. I would think your Husband's needs are so great now that you could not possibly fit in one day every week at your Mothers which is so far away from you.

Just tell brother....”sure...come on over and take care of Hubby while I am gone”. I’ll wait for your arrival so that I can depart knowing hubby is in good care. Oh, and make sure that you change his adult diaper at least every two hours”.

I’ll bet good money you hear no more from him on this topic.

I do think you should make arrangements at least Once a Month to visit and help out. It is only an hour away and you can make arrangements with this other aid to stay a little longer. It is your parent.

You are not wrong. You cannot care for both of them ESPECIALLY if that compromises the safety of your husband with Alzheimer’s. You can explain this to your siblings til your blue in the face until they spend one day caring for with someone who has Alzheimer’s Do not let anyone guilt trip you. Instead say to your brother that he needs to make arrangements to be available to take over caregiving for your husband for the amount of time he insists that you stay with your mother. Maybe that will put a stop to the demands and guilt tripping.

Tell them that there is no way that you can do what they want.

There is a magic word that is pronounced the same in English, Spanish, and French.

No.

Learn it, use it, love it :)

Polder be at you are wrong. My brother thinks he is one who has to be obeyeff. I'm only one through the years who never ggas. My father died when i was sixteen. He was 20 and away at school. I took responsibility for everyone tg en did my share. I didn't get married until i was 40 so could always be there for EVERYONE. They got wake up call when I got married and stopped being everyone's mommy. Didn't lije it still don't. My OB is ticked off because first time younger brothers also saying no. One wasc 10 and with me when my dad died. He's petrified mom will die when he's alone. Think I've talked him into feeling her tomm his house when wife or adult son there.
Ive always been available and not anymore and he doesnt want to accept it.

First of all I have to say that after reading the answers, I adore all of the answers with a spunky attitude! You all absolutely have the right attitude. I spent lots of time sitting on my therapist’s couch to learn that attitude. Hahaha

Some of us were taught that we must be polite, prim and proper and all that jazz. We see it as offensive and it’s not. I live in the south and we are taught to be polite from very young.

We also have to learn to recognize manipulative actions of others. They are masters at gaslighting us. Another thing my therapist taught me.

Finally, the big one, ‘GUILT!’ Oh boy, this emotion absolutely crippled me. Wait, make that ‘paralyzed’ me. I am taking to the point of not seeing or thinking clearly.

Hey, I have no right or place to judge anyone for being stuck because anyone on this forum who knows my history will tell you that I was stuck for a very long time.

It’s high time that we develop or retain a backbone and take on a feisty, strong attitude. Oh, one more thing, and be proud of standing up for ourselves.

We have advocated for elders for so long that we forget about ourselves. We shouldn’t feel badly about not being able to do more than we can possibly do.

Of course, the most vulnerable, our elderly need protection and care but we as individuals must accept that we can only do so much.

Huge thanks to all the strong voices out there that helped me so much when I needed it. I am eternally grateful 💗.

You are not wrong. Do not take on any more, your plate is already full with your husband. Siblings who aren't or have never been caregivers do not understand what you are going through. If your brother keeps insisting, make him a deal, tell him you will go sit with your mom for one day a week, but he has to come sit and take care of your husband while you are with your mom. I wonder how he will respond?

The reality is that when one is taking care of a spouse in ill health, one doesn't have the time or ability to also be taking on partial care of anyone else, even if that care is sitting and visiting. BJ may well not be getting good sleep at night, as her husband may be up and down all night. She's a senior herself and may have her own health issues. It may not be possible for her have her mother come visit, as she may be unable to have her attention divided between visiting her mother and caring for her husband. BJ needs to triage her time and energy - a couple concise sentences to her brother that it's not possible for her to do as he requests. I wouldn't bother with explanations or educating them - my theory is if people actually care enough about your LO's illness, they'll take time to use the vast store of info online. It's just part of the mess of seniors looking after super-seniors --- everyone's needs increase while their ability to look after those needs decreases.

They seem to be oblivious of your situation which of course is not static but evolving and worsening. Politely tell them that you really can't help, unless they would like to either sit with your husband or pay for additional caregiving costs for your husband so that you can then tend to your mom. Unfortunately, you are currently in your own stressful circumstances that is quite enough for any one person at the moment. Send them a link to a website that details the difficulties of caring for someone with advanced dementia; don't assume they know or understand.

Their expectations are so shocking, I will tell you that this question can be summed up as follows: AITA? And you'll have to look up what that stands for.
And my answer to that is NO. You are not. They are.
Sorry for the language in advance.

Understand how you feel about the 3 sibs who don't work, however from their perspective they don't want all the load because they did their employment time, retired, and now expected to be caregivers during this time they earned for themselves. So it's not really fair to say the 3 not working should be the caregivers. This is a family effort to help mom - not a who is retired effort gets the job. I am retired and do 24/7 for my mom. I have 4 siblings, 2 work and 2 don't. The 2 that don't work aren't willing to participate at all. One even went and got a part time job to avoid being asked. It's just not worth the argument to me, stress is too exhausting w/what I already do, to alienate by siblings forever. I believe in doing as much (or as little) as what you think you can 'live with' in the end. They view it as - I chose to stay with mom instead of putting her in a facility, so it's ok to let me do it 24/7. Not asking for an award...but a little help/reprieve every month or so would be nice.
On the other hand, you have your hands full with hubby. Is there anything you could offer to all of the siblings in regard to helping out mom? Could they possibly bring her to you for a couple of days every two weeks or so? Could you arrange for someone to visit with mom once a week? Explain to your siblings that hubby is not dealing well with a two hour drive weekly and his own health is (?) worse than mom's - you're doing everything you can to keep the home front moving along. Your time out of the house covered by paid caregivers is so that you can run personal errands, groceries, things you cannot do when caring for hubby. Maybe just a heart to heart with all the siblings, without pointing fingers or telling them who you think should be doing the visits with mom, will help them have a little more understanding for your own situation.

I agree, Polarbear, *except* that there is a class of persons whose idea of showing filial dedication is to nag and bully everyone else about it. "There!" they think, "that's told them. How grateful Mother will be!" Then they sit and polish their little halos and think they've solved everything.

The only final way to break through this is to learn how to tell someone who *does* intimidate you (and it's no good saying you shouldn't let them - they just do!) to get stuffed. And the only way to do that is genuinely to lose your temper with him, just once, so that you completely forget your manners. But when it happens, it's wonderful - a weight lifts.

Bjwalters - I'm going to be rude here in hope of shocking you into understanding.

Seems to me no matter how old you get, you still see your older brother as someone you have to answer to and obey. Why do you have to even listen to him? Why? Is it because he has money? You mentioned he had more money than all the siblings put together. How old are you now? Isn't it time you grow up? And be your own woman? Instead, you're still acting and thinking like a little sister wanting brother's approval.

GROW UP AND GROW A BACKBONE, WOMAN!!!

Learn to say no. The end.

Tell your brother that when he arrives at your house to take care of your husband, you will leave to go to your mother's. And, that he had better still be with your husband when you get home. Leave him a list of chores to be done while you are gone (don't worry, he will never show up).

You are right. Tell the brother you are unable to do this.

Stick to your guns about what you can do and are comfortable about doing. Please visit your mom, but in a way that works for you. Talk to your family about what mom's needs are and how each person will help meet those needs. It is not your problem to fix mom, it is a family plan to help mom. If her children can not help enough, talk with your brother or her about getting paid help covered by mom's finances... just as you are already doing to make it work in your life.

No you’re not wrong & you already have your hands full! If he wants you to spend a couple hours w mom or take her to lunch, then maybe have bro come over to be with your husband! If your mom still able to live on her own & she’s just lonely..you can only do so much...take her out to lunch! Tell bro to stay w your hubby while you’re there...Hugs 🤗

Ask one of them to come take care of your hubby and then you can go to moms ,they will see you already have your plate full and shut up

No, you aren't wrong. How about once a month? And even if that's too much ask them if they would be willing to come to your house and sit with your husband while you visit with your mom?

She’s your mom, go visit when you feel like it...No one can dictate how you live your life! Brother doesn’t pay your bills, he only has charge over what you give him. If you allow him to control your emotions, then You also allow him to take charge of your life. Be realistic and tell him to take a hike! He has no power over you and you are free to visit your mom on your terms and in your own time frame. I hate it when people try to micromanage other people’s lives. Hugs to you.

You sure have good responses. An hour drive makes it possible for them to bring Mom to you for a short visit. Maybe, just maybe, your Mom really misses you and doesn't understand not seeing you as often. Can you use all this wonderful technology and talk to her by internet - face time? I hope you find reassurance in knowing your husband needs you and you don't answer to others. Do what is right for your situation,

I would tell your brother "I would love to visit mom. You come stay with my husband while I visit."

No, I think you are someone who can set boundaries, is realistic, and know your limits. Don't let imposed guilt rule your decisions. You can only do what you can do.