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I was a caregiver for my grandma. I was supposed to move in and just keep an eye on her. My grandmother was too cheap and didn't want to hire a caregiver and that was not communicated to me. They just keep on saying that they can't find one. They know I have a timid personality and know how to intimidate me and treat bad into making me feel guilty. Fast forward a month they started to make me do more than caregiving duties and I had to pay rent. It wasn't as high as the bills that I had, but I still loved my home. I was just supposed to stay at night and I was promised that I will be relieved. The first time I was relieved was to help out my sister and that was hard work and I was kept all day. I told them in the beginning we had this trip planned and they were okay with it. They were aggressive and told me to cancel the trip like I had no choice. My grandmother would criticize me no matter how hard I worked and she and the family would talk about me being lazy and needs to do more like I wasn't there. I had mow, garden, fix things. Days I was promised to be relieved I would be ready to leave and grandma would say that she would have to get in the chair and fix the ceiling fan herself even though my family was there to help and I had no idea it was getting fixed. I told her that I was going to finally take a day for myself because my mother promised me I could. My siblings and other family members were there but it wasn't expected of them to help. I am working overtime hours and a caregiver. My siblings would listen to my grandma complaining and would attack me and I would defend myself and they said they didn't want the drama but I told them then don't attack based on her over exaggeration since they're always saying they know how grandma is then don't listen. They told that they didn't think I would be such a baby about. I also told them if they really feel like the closet needs to be reorganized then they can do it themselves since they are allowed straight sleep and go home to their own lives. My grandmother would not be happy now matter how much I sweat for her and I had no one to talk to because no one wanted to hear it. She even made false accusations of elder abuse and her arm would bruise up so easily and my sister would question me about it so I left and told them they can do it if the think it's so easy. My family tried to beg me back and say they realize how hard it is and how mean grandma is even though they were splitting up the duties between four people. They hired a caregiver a week after I left and even someone to mow the lawn.


Fast forward a few months, my sister scared away two caregivers. She tried to scam away the house but was easily forgiven. She doesn't have to work hard as I did and she gets paid to so it. She was getting praised by the family friend who bullied me when I was doing it. She didn't want another caregiver because she wants to get paid more and stay there. My grandmother still gets the bruises on her arms but it's not my sister's fault but she tried to get the second caregiver for abuse over them.


I have been coming over more but my sister tries to call me out to stay with grandma all the time and help but I do not feel comfortable being alone with her. My sister keeps on setting these appointments and tries to call me out to watch so she can go but she rescheduled them when I don't say yes. It makes me uncomfortable because I barely feel comfortable going over there to visit. She also says I will have to step up more soon when she takes her kids to school


I want to tell her she knows when she has to be at grandma's because it's the same every week so she should set her appointments accordingly and if she can't meet her duties then they need to go back to hiring a caregiver because I don't feel comfortable doing it. Am I right to say that?

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Thank God you are not staying at your grandmothers house any more. You nor anyone else should ever tolerate abuse of any kind, and it sounds like you endured more than your share. I think for your own mental health's sake, you should stay away from your sister and grandmother as much as possible. They along with the rest of your family will eventually get things figured out with your grandmothers care. You have every right to say no, when asked to help out with things if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Wishing you the best.
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Arp1754 Oct 26, 2020
Yyeah it was a traumatic experience and triggered a past event happened when I was six to twelve and abused and my family didn't help and said I should just brush it off and deal with it. It was like how they forced me in the situation like they did with grandma
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Say “I’m sorry, but I can no longer stay with grandma.” No further discussion is needed. Don’t let them manipulate and guilt you into staying with her. She is not your responsibility.
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Arp: How old are you? I am hoping you will say that you are old enough to leave this somewhat complicated family and to get your own job, your own place and make a good life for yourself. It does seem that their drama is endless, and there is no reason you should invest your strong, young, just starting life in this stew that is constantly on the stir. Back away. I have known people to move a state away from such mess; that has worked well for more than a few.
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Arp1754 Oct 26, 2020
I left and finally have my own job and place. I was missing with my family and started to reconnect with my family after all of this mess. I felt so much guilt and hurt but after all that happened I still miss my family. My sister was the one that called me out. They had a caregiver for five days and they would split the other two days and my sister wanted to earn money and be the main caregiver but it made it harder for my family with her kids going to school soon and her setting her doctor appointments on days she is supposed to be there. I feel like she does that on purpose because she calls and then rescheduled so easy when she learns that no one will take over when she co8have easily said that date was not available when they tried to set it. She has keeps on trying to call me out in front of mom and grandma to watch grandma but I don't even reply but she has become more strong9and vocal about it
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Please read OPs response to me. She is now back on her own. She seems to have learned the word NO. Hope she is able to keep it up. There does seem to be a double standard in the family. It may be something she is going to deal with the rest of her life.
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AlvaDeer Nov 18, 2020
What great news.
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Agree with prior posters.  I guarantee if you go back, the paid caregivers will disappear.    Just say no, sorry, no can do and stop going over there so much.  Tell your sister, NO, I don't gotta step up more.
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Arp1754 Oct 26, 2020
Aactually I have not been going over as must. Maybe once a week. I just go to help her to get to appointments. I don't do much. I made I clear to my mom months ago I don't feel comfortable being alone with her after she forced herself to fall and said I pushed her down and told everyone at the dinner table I body slammed her.

She always gets these bruises on my arms. When it was me my sisters would look at me like I would abuse her. When it was a caregiver my sister and grandma would try to say abuse. They were trying to say that today and why would i want to be alone with her. It's a double standard with my sister and I think it's because she is white. My sister should be the one who have to do the garden but my grandmother tried to hint around how nice it would be to have the garden done and I ignored that. It's just a different standard between me and everyone else and my family try to use my sensitivity against me when I try to stand up for myself or treat me like I am causing drama when they are yelling at me. They tell me no one is criticizing me and ask me who is and I tell them it's them. My grandmother would ask me to do something and then complain to family for what I did even though I was doing what she asked. With me company means judging me. Now with my sister it means praising her. She didn't push her to do her physical therapy and she skipped a week because she was on her period and grandma praised her. I made her do it every day and in the middle of an arguement because she didn't want to do it she called my family and said she can't do her physical therapy because I refuse to help.

The first time I went up there was her vday party and I got her a vibrator, gag and huge penis lollipop to try to break the ice. She was nice but the family friend wasn't. She was the worse to me. I was there the house a mess and the grass hasn't been mowed in a long time but their excuse was they haven't got around to calling the guy in between four people they could not make that phone call but I had to do it twice a week when I was sick because one weed. I pulled the weed and i was accused of being lazy
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The family would not hire non-family. It had to be you. But when you quit...

"They hired a caregiver a week after I left and even someone to mow the lawn".

⚡Remember this! ⚡

Everytime you re pushed into a corner to be their solution, *the fixer* they DO have other options. Your sister has other options - or will find them. But she won't find them if you act as her understudy.

Your family drama is a big, loud, colourful stage show! To borrow from another poster (I just loved this!!!);

*Don't get on the stage* just stay in the audience. IE keep a safe distance from the drama. Politely say no. Some indeed move a state away. (Three hours drive was what suggested to me 😁)
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ExhaustedPiper Nov 18, 2020
It was Davenport, and I love it too! I wrote it on a card and put it in my date book!

Davenport's gold advice:

Here's mine: I'm sitting in the darkened audience, an observer of a play. I don't get on the stage; I won't let anyone or anything force/drag me onto the stage. I smile to myself, in a loving, protective, caring way.
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I am so very sorry you fell into this trap. My heart breaks for you.

Walk away. I’m serious! Tell them you are not going to be your grandmother’s slave.

They will find someone else. Give them a time frame as to when your last day is and quit.

You are fighting a losing battle here.

Wish grandma well and leave. Don’t set yourself up for more heartache. You deserve better.

You are in control, not them. You have the power of choice. Choose to end this now. If you don’t you will live to regret it.

Let us know when you give your notice. We will celebrate with you!
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PS "Am I right to say no.."

In my opinion yes indeed - say NO.

"What is the best way?"

That is a personal thing. Find a sentence that works for you & repeat as often as needed.

Make it short, simple & direct.

Warning: They may pretend to misunderstand you, disbelieve you or disregard you. Repeat your words. Followup with your actions.

Nuh, that just won't work for me.
No I can't do that.
No.
No. I don't want to discuss that anymore.
No. I have to go now.
Bye.

Build up your no muscle. Start with stalling if you really need (like my sister 😉) with a 'maybe, I'll let you know'.
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Kmjfree Nov 18, 2020
Great answer. I have a list of responses printed out for when I’m on the phone because when I get triggered or upset my brain shuts down. I use uhhuh a lot or we’ll see. Also an oldie but a goodie “there is someone at the door gotta go”
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I left and it wasnt the best way but it was the only way. I packed my things when it she went to the hospital and she was telling them I pushed her when she pushed herself down. All I wanted was some sleep when she was in the hospital but the family was pushing me to keep calling the hospital to get answers when they could. They told me that she will be going home instead of staying because she didn't want to stay and I asked them to help me because I was up for two days. All of a sudden they were leaving me alone so I packed my things and left and I sent them a text I am not doing it anymore. They hired a caregiver, handyman, cleaner and garden person and they would only had to stay with her on the weekends and the house was a mess but they would complain they were too tired to do it. I was so hurt and heartbroken and still trying to heal. I was a few months before I started to go over there.

She wasn't careful and she didn't on purpose like bend down to pet her dog and fall down. My family would question me about her bruises on her arms. She would always get explosive diarrhea and wanted to take laxatives to make it worse and drink so fast so I had to wake up every hour to assist her to the restroom. She told a nurse that she was always constipated but i was refusingher to poop and allowingher to take laxatives. I was so tired but my family wanted me to be a handyman, gardener and sweep the roof. I was promised so much when I started. I was only supposed to move in to be there at night especially since I was working overtime. I was planning a trip before I had to move in. When I found out I had to mow I had no idea what I was doing so my sister who is white was getting it started and was going to show me but she decided to take over because she could tell I was tired and upset because I had to move fast from my apartment because no one wanted to stay with grandma long enough or help me. I was supposed to have the weekend to move but grandma sent them home. Inwas also upset because grandma sent them to attack me about yard when they fired the lawn guy when I moved in. My grandmother walked out with my sister and she attacked both of us because she didn't think my sister should be doing everything and us to should be doing it. My other sister pointed at me to do it because she was tired. As I look back, I see that it was because we were Mexican and my sister was white and that hurt because that is the first racism I got.

My sister ran off two caregivers because she wanted to get paid and bought herself a uniform scrubs. She just sits there with my grandma and watch tv and gives her easy meals. Grandma never asks her to do the extra things I had to and my sister tries to call me out to help more but I assist when they have appointments. Her bruises are worse than they were with me and grandma blames herself. It's nothing but how great my sister is at everything and my sister gets paid extra if she has to do anything extra like organize. You would be proud of me when my grandma asked me about doing plants and I called her out that it's strange that I was the one who had to do those things when I was paying her to be my caregiver while she gets paid to do a lot less and she gets two days off and she doesn'thave a job. Also, when my sister tried get me to watch her when she set an appointment for herself on a day she knew she was working. I told her that she knows her days and that she needs to call to reschedule or she should not be the caregiver if she can't commit to the time. I told her I refuse to be alone with grandma.
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Arp1754 Dec 24, 2020
I have recently started visiting more since I left and I thought it would make me feel better but it just devastates me, I feel like I can’t confront my grandma in the way she treats me and she doesn’t confront me about how I left. She wants to give my sister the house and I don’t care because now I know what she thought of me when I found out my family was just going to throw me out on the streets when she died when she said I could stay a little longer when she died if I came back. She and the family friend always praises my sister and say that my sister does too much because she has daughters. They don’t want her to work in the garden because she is white but they blow it off as she does too much but I told them I had to do the garden when my grandma woke me up every hour to go to the restroom and I was working six days a week, forced to do handy work and deep clean every room every day. I was good at standing up for myself until this one incident on my birthday and my heart is so broken on the racism and yelling I received on my birthday. Everything was good on my birthday and then my grandma expected me to work on her garden on my birthday and told me that my sister is caregiver and should not have to work on the garden with the pressure from my mom’s friend my grandma, mom’s friend yelled at me and I felt intimidated to work on the garden on my birthday.

It is so different. I was expected to do everything when I was doing it and family wasn’t expected to help. They would just come up for new things for my grandma and mom’s friend tell me what to do. It was never enough. They would criticize me when they visit in front of me like I was invisible and my sis gets treated like she is Wonder Woman. my siblings was not expected to help and I had to pay my grandma to be her caregiver slave and I was treated like a freeloader when i was forced to move in. My sister gets paid and two days off and when there are visitors we are asked to do things instead of my sister.

i thought seeing my grandma again would help me heal but it just devastates me on how cruel they are and they try to guilt me to stay with her but I can’t because i am still traumatized. Seeing it all and hearing my sister praised breaks my heart but I don’t want to be in regret when my grandma dies since my other grandma died this year and i had to fight my job to be able to go to her funeral they made me go to work after my other grandma funeral. They had the balls to grill me about how close I was to my grandma because I only talked about the grandma I was caring for. My sister gets my mom and her friend to help her out but I was treated like a prisoner doing it I just can’t. On days I was promised relief from my mom my grandma would make her go to Home Depot and pick up a project I had to work on and they didn’t tell me about it until I was walking out of the door thinking I was getting a day off. My grandma did it on purpose because she didn’t think I deserve a day off and my family always took her side and pressured me even though I didn’t know how to change a ceiling fan and there were four other people there that day but they were only there to yell at me.

it’s so hard to leave the house and I feel so much heartache everyday and I have social anxiety and panic attacks. It has amplified after the incident after my birthday and my family dont think they did anything wrong just I complain too much
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Arp, thanks for the update.

It feels to me that since your "family" treats you so badly, you shouldn't give them the opportunity to do that any more.

They all sound quite mentally ill, frankly. Have you ever considered that THEY are at fault here? And that defending yourself against "porcupines" will only get you injured more?

I'm sorry that you have social anxiety. There is treatment for that, you know. Have you ever talked to a doctor about that? A low dose of an antidepressant might help.

Please seek help for that issue, and perhaps start to see a counselor or therapist so that you can start out on a better path in life.
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