What is the difference between tolerating a verbally abusive parent and a verbally abusive husband?

I just want to add how proud I am that you were strong enough to leave an abusive spouse. I have a sister who lives with an abusive spouse and has for over 40 years. Personally, I don't expect things to change since my sister left for 6 months (7 years ago) and then returned. She said that she couldn't survive on her own and needed her husband to at least keep a roof over her head and some food. Of course, she felt he was going to treat her better once she returned. She's brainwashed, and was unable to recognize that had she stayed on the path of getting help, her needs would have been provided—my dad, my family, and my siblings would have seen to it.

I'm also proud of your wonderful, loving care of a spouse with Parkinson's disease! My mom had Parkinson's and I know what her needs were as her illness worsened. Please remember that your priority really is your husband. I'm glad you have a son who is supportive. It sounds like you did a good job in raising him.

I don't have a lot of insight into your problem with your mom; however, I do agree with a number of statements that others made regarding setting boundaries and letting the facility where she stays know your difficulties with her responses toward you. Letting them know how it affects you is important. They've seen it all, I'm sure! Your support of her may become only a financial one, and I think that's fine. You have more than enough to do for your beloved husband. Let your siblings know this too. I'm sure they have felt your mom's wrath and abuse as much as (and maybe even more than) you have. It's funny how abusive people can pick whom they want to hurt and how much they want to hurt them.

Talking to your mom's care team, her doctors, etc., will at least give you some deeper understanding of her needs and how and if you can help her.

(These are my "unprofessional" thoughts, because you are worthy of being loved and helped.) The only more wonderful blessing I can give you is my prayers for you, your husband, your family, your mom's care, and for the support people around you and your mom.

Is your mother's abusiveness a relatively new thing or an all my life thing? If it's a newer thing, I would try to identify why it's happening. A chronic personality issue is very different than a symptom of illness.

I would start looking for memory care facilities. It is not cruel to want a difficult family member with dementia to be in a SAFE place with ROUND THE CLOCK supervision and good nutrition. So sorry, but this doesn't get better.

Think. If you had a camera in her place for one day, it might illuminate the situation. With my Mom, she was falling and picking through the food in her house..throwing underwear away..other..and she let strange (scary) people into her house..in fact, other residents at the complex just walked in her apartment! One of them looked like a mafia hitman. We moved her two years ago this month. Thank God she is safe and cared for every day. We can go back to having a relationship as her children as best we can. Sadly, she never remembers us visiting, but still knows us.

Wow. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Not fair. Some questions:

Does she treat your siblings the same? What are their thoughts?

Could you talk to her psychiatrist?

How is this affecting your relationship with your husband & son?
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Your mom is 85 y/o - positive change is limited; if anything she’s going to get worse. Compile any other questions and any necessary information and come up with a plan. Get as many family, friends, aging care (!), your health care team in your corner.

Some thoughts: you probably have PTSD from your childhood & 1st marriage. What’s going on now is surely triggering you. Not fair. You should be enjoying your retirement while taking care of a very ill spouse. I’m very proud of you recognizing the abuse and deciding you’re not doing it anymore. You have a lot of strength and resilience.

In coming up with a plan I would suggest the following:

I like the suggestions from our other friends in giving your mom an explanation about her being consistently unkind to you and a warning and following through. The follow through is the most important & will likely be the hardest thing you do for YOU. Begin to gradually withdraw now.. Limit visits to once a week while implementing your plan. Let the siblings know. Discuss with them the current financial arrangement. You’ll probably have to make some adjustments implementing your plan. That’s ok. As long as you’re moving forward that’s a good thing. Stay firm, positive, and loving towards yourself.

You're obviously a very kind and loving woman however there comes a time (now) where your wellbeing comes first. You deserve some peace and quiet. The constant emotional triggering is not good for you physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Use the time you would have been interacting with your Mom and you do you. Bath, movie, a concert, craft, & your husband. I took up knitting 3 years ago and it’s my passion. Research shows that knitting or any repetitive craft boosts the neuroplasticty in your brain as well as increasing the quality of the neurons you’re constantly producing. Research also shows that any craft helps with healing trauma and most mental health issues.

I knew from the first 1-3 words my parents said on the phone if I could have a conversation (alcoholics). You can probably tell from the first 1-3 words in a voicemail what kind of message it is. Delete immediately- you don’t have to listen. You can block her number. Let the facility know what you’re doing. They deserve to know. We don’t know what their level of involvement will be however they’ve got plenty of experience with this!

Good luck! I’m in your corner.

You show that you have siblings also helping to pay for the senior living apartment. So, she has other children to help her, while your husband has you. Walk away, at least temporarily. Let your siblings explain to her that she is chasing you away with the nasty messages and jealousy. Write her a letter explaining your feelings. Be honest. It may help, it may not. If not, even though the effort failed, you tried to help the relationship. You can walk away knowing she has other children to help her.

Change your phone number and YOU decide when to be in contact with your mother. Take your power back.

Yes

Intent. That's the difference.

In my experience, my ex was verbally abusive me to make me feel small, less than him as a means of controlling the marriage and me.

Speaking as the daughter of a very difficult woman, Mom was very abusive when I was a child and as I got older we have had our issues. At this point due to her state of mind I believe it's beyond her control. I've come to think of her as a child ( at this point perhaps the mentality of a 4 year old at times) and when children say hurtful things we give them a pass. Granted it cuts to the quick (and my sympathies go out to you) but most of us can't even fathom walking away the way we might with an abusive spouse.

For me, when Mom becomes aggressive I manage it the way I would with a toddler. She gets a time out although she doesn't know it. The time out is me stepping away from the situation, regrouping, then getting back to business. For years my mom only got nasty when there was no one around to bear witness so there were years when I made a point of limiting my time alone with her. Now I find that reminding her that her behavior is unkind is a way for me to cope. Granted it sounds condescending, and frankly it is but it seems to get the job done. Good luck to you, you've got a lot on your plate!

Why not just let what she says roll off your back? My mother can and has been, verbally abusive for all of my life. I am the only person she has now. I have to admit that what she says and does affects me for a few days, but knowing her mental health issues, I realize that she can't really help it. If your mom has dementia and/or mental health issues, you have to cut her some slack. Just put her position in perspective and move on. It's a really tough situation when seemingly spoiled parents don't see the difficulty in your life and expect things to go their way. I feel ya, I really do. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for all your helpful answers. Yes, she does have heart disease. Mom, also been taking medications for anxiety disorder for numerous years. She been seeing a psychiatrist. I did leave a message for her neurologist to call me so I can talk to him about her abusive behavior. Hopefully, he can help me because he is treating her for the dementia.

Thanks again for the support.

Statewise, are the nastiness and cutting remarks a new aspect of your mother's behaviour? I just noticed from another thread that your mother has heart disease: is her mental state being regularly assessed?

Depression, extreme negativity and loss of inhibition were marked features of my mother's vascular dementia, is the reason I ask. This is a parallel issue to the question of how tolerant you should make yourself be of verbal abuse; but if it's actually a symptom of disease I don't think you'll want to solve it by walking away.

There are of course key differences between your relationship with your husband and that with your mother; the main one being that you are totally in control of the off switch when it comes to your mother. I congratulate you on your escape, though; which also gives me confidence that you know where to draw lines.

I would very calmly explain that her behavior is forcing you into a decision that you would rather avoid. So she either stops with the verbal abuse or you will disconnect from her completely, including any financial assistance. So she will loose her aid, how many days you pay for.

If she doesn't stop, give her 1 warning, mom we discussed this, if you abuse me one more time, I am done. This is your 1st and last warning. Then change your number, block her calls and stop your financial assistance. She is being rewarded for unacceptable behavior and she needs to be able to feel the consequences of her actions.

Stay strong and follow through!

Verbal abuse is verbal abuse regardless of who it comes from. You divorced your first husband for being verbally abusive but you can't exactly divorce your mom. But you can make a decision that you're not going to stand for her treatment of you. You can do this by either telling her that you will leave her life if she continues to speak to you in such a way or you can just cut contact with her. But if you do this, verbal abuse or no verbal abuse, inform her why you are cutting contact with her. And then do it.