What is the difference between tolerating a verbally abusive parent and a verbally abusive husband?

I would very calmly explain that her behavior is forcing you into a decision that you would rather avoid. So she either stops with the verbal abuse or you will disconnect from her completely, including any financial assistance. So she will loose her aid, how many days you pay for.

If she doesn't stop, give her 1 warning, mom we discussed this, if you abuse me one more time, I am done. This is your 1st and last warning. Then change your number, block her calls and stop your financial assistance. She is being rewarded for unacceptable behavior and she needs to be able to feel the consequences of her actions.

Stay strong and follow through!

Verbal abuse is verbal abuse regardless of who it comes from. You divorced your first husband for being verbally abusive but you can't exactly divorce your mom. But you can make a decision that you're not going to stand for her treatment of you. You can do this by either telling her that you will leave her life if she continues to speak to you in such a way or you can just cut contact with her. But if you do this, verbal abuse or no verbal abuse, inform her why you are cutting contact with her. And then do it.

Statewise, are the nastiness and cutting remarks a new aspect of your mother's behaviour? I just noticed from another thread that your mother has heart disease: is her mental state being regularly assessed?

Depression, extreme negativity and loss of inhibition were marked features of my mother's vascular dementia, is the reason I ask. This is a parallel issue to the question of how tolerant you should make yourself be of verbal abuse; but if it's actually a symptom of disease I don't think you'll want to solve it by walking away.

There are of course key differences between your relationship with your husband and that with your mother; the main one being that you are totally in control of the off switch when it comes to your mother. I congratulate you on your escape, though; which also gives me confidence that you know where to draw lines.

Intent. That's the difference.

In my experience, my ex was verbally abusive me to make me feel small, less than him as a means of controlling the marriage and me.

Speaking as the daughter of a very difficult woman, Mom was very abusive when I was a child and as I got older we have had our issues. At this point due to her state of mind I believe it's beyond her control. I've come to think of her as a child ( at this point perhaps the mentality of a 4 year old at times) and when children say hurtful things we give them a pass. Granted it cuts to the quick (and my sympathies go out to you) but most of us can't even fathom walking away the way we might with an abusive spouse.

For me, when Mom becomes aggressive I manage it the way I would with a toddler. She gets a time out although she doesn't know it. The time out is me stepping away from the situation, regrouping, then getting back to business. For years my mom only got nasty when there was no one around to bear witness so there were years when I made a point of limiting my time alone with her. Now I find that reminding her that her behavior is unkind is a way for me to cope. Granted it sounds condescending, and frankly it is but it seems to get the job done. Good luck to you, you've got a lot on your plate!

Thanks for all your helpful answers. Yes, she does have heart disease. Mom, also been taking medications for anxiety disorder for numerous years. She been seeing a psychiatrist. I did leave a message for her neurologist to call me so I can talk to him about her abusive behavior. Hopefully, he can help me because he is treating her for the dementia.

Thanks again for the support.

Unfortunately, whether the abuse is intentional or caused by dementia, the result is the same. You are being abused and you do not have to tolerate it. You are suffering from the stress of the abuse, and it will get worse. In my opinion, you have the right to avoid abusive people whether they are family members or not. I know it's very difficult when the abusive person is a close family member, but you seem to have no choice if you want to live a life of freedom from abuse, have joy again, breathe freely again. My experience in doing so resulted in heavy weights lifted off my mind which resulted in energy, lightness, peace of mind, security. My first husband was physically and mentally abusive and I divorced him after 6 years. Like you, I never looked back. Now, my mother has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for several years. I don't know whether it is dementia or just her lifelong negativity. It doesn't really matter because the result is the same. I have frequent but brief verbal contact with her, usually by phone. I told her I would hang up if she became abusive, and I do follow through with that. I stopped going to her house and driving her to appointments unless someone else is present because she is the sweet little old lady in front of others. It's not easy to do, but it has eliminated a lot of stress and heartbreak for me. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can either cut the tie with your mother-in-law, or at least seriously limit the amount of time you in contact with her. In any event, you have the right NOT to be abused by anyone. If that means walking away, so be it.

I would block the phone for awhile. You need a break. You also dont need to tell your mother what is going on in your household. Dont need to tell her details about husbands care, no details about who is visiting, no details about anything. She will be jealous of anything you tell her, and come up with ways to use it against you. Stick to neutral topics. She asks person info dont answer, change subject. That doesnt work, you gotta run. See ya later.
Tell family you need a break. No one has to hear obsenities and or screaming on their phone. Doesnt matter who is doing it. You dont need ptsd on top of everything else. That is abuse and you dont accept abuse from anyone. FULL STOP.
I had to go no contact with my mom & sibling. They learned. Still have to do it from time to time. They try to go back to negative abuse patterns when I was young.

If your mom is smart enough to remember details about your life, she will soon learn what no contact means. Give her 1 warning. When she does it again there will be no satisfaction for her. No daughter to guilt trip. Phone blocked. No one to answer the phone or visit. She will learn. It might take a while but she will get it. You have to set boundries and mean it. Dont feel guilty bc you wont accept abuse. Family doesnt mean you have to accept it.

statewise;

Is mom not able to pay for assistance on her own? Why do the children pay for it? As her dementia progresses, she'll have to move to AL or MC. Some assistance is built into the cost, additional assistance will cost more. Is she going to be able to pay for this? As someone else noted, NH is NOT what mom needs. That is for those who require specialized nursing care that AL and MC will not provide. She is nowhere near needing that and it would likely make her even more cantankerous!!!

As for her behavior, whether it is long-standing or new due to dementia, you have choices to make:

1. If her voice messages begin with nastiness, delete it without listening to the whole message.

2. Don't discuss care for your husband or in-laws visiting. She doesn't need to know and can't complain about what she doesn't know! If she brings them up, tell her you haven't seen in-laws in months or years, and hubby is doing fine. End of discussion!

3. If she calls and starts being nasty, stop her and tell her if she continues, conversation is over, then hang up if she continues. Do not answer if she calls again, and if need be take the phone off the hook (cell phone, turn off sound, or "dismiss" call and let it go to voice mail.)

4. If she is nasty when you visit, bring someone else along. Sometimes having another person inhibits this. If not, tell her to be nice or you will leave. If she continues, leave. Someone else mentioned this and I have seen my mom behave much differently when "others" are around (have to keep up pretenses so the others are not aware of the dirty laundry!!)

5. If this is new behavior, it isn't easy but let the nasty comments roll off your back. YOU know what you do for her and YOU know her comments are unwarranted. Yes, it can be hurtful, but if you just chalk it up to dementia and let it slide, don't take it to heart, it'll get better and easier over time.

6. If this is old behavior, you can still try to let it slide. Before our mother developed dementia I finally told her one time that it hurt that she called me a freak when growing up. I know she had told me how her sisters had called her that. Her response? I don't remember that. Sure you don't, because it didn't hurt YOU! Some people have no idea how much they hurt you by things they say and do!

7. Attempt to change the discussion (refocus, redirect.) This does sometimes work with those who have dementia. If not, then make your excuses and leave.

8. Bring some little "treat" along, whether food/beverage item, special book, etc, that you know she likes. Focus is then on her and takes it off whatever she thinks is wrong/bad.

Although those with dementia often don't learn, repetition can sometimes work. If you draw that line with her (stop or I will leave/hangup) and follow through, it might eventually leave an impression. Someone mentioned it took about 3 months for their attempts to work! Final option is to reduce the number and length of visits. Stay STRONG!

Key take aways: Don't believe or dwell on her nasty comments and learn to walk away if she won't stop!

Wow. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Not fair. Some questions:

Does she treat your siblings the same? What are their thoughts?

Could you talk to her psychiatrist?

How is this affecting your relationship with your husband & son?
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Your mom is 85 y/o - positive change is limited; if anything she’s going to get worse. Compile any other questions and any necessary information and come up with a plan. Get as many family, friends, aging care (!), your health care team in your corner.

Some thoughts: you probably have PTSD from your childhood & 1st marriage. What’s going on now is surely triggering you. Not fair. You should be enjoying your retirement while taking care of a very ill spouse. I’m very proud of you recognizing the abuse and deciding you’re not doing it anymore. You have a lot of strength and resilience.

In coming up with a plan I would suggest the following:

I like the suggestions from our other friends in giving your mom an explanation about her being consistently unkind to you and a warning and following through. The follow through is the most important & will likely be the hardest thing you do for YOU. Begin to gradually withdraw now.. Limit visits to once a week while implementing your plan. Let the siblings know. Discuss with them the current financial arrangement. You’ll probably have to make some adjustments implementing your plan. That’s ok. As long as you’re moving forward that’s a good thing. Stay firm, positive, and loving towards yourself.

You're obviously a very kind and loving woman however there comes a time (now) where your wellbeing comes first. You deserve some peace and quiet. The constant emotional triggering is not good for you physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Use the time you would have been interacting with your Mom and you do you. Bath, movie, a concert, craft, & your husband. I took up knitting 3 years ago and it’s my passion. Research shows that knitting or any repetitive craft boosts the neuroplasticty in your brain as well as increasing the quality of the neurons you’re constantly producing. Research also shows that any craft helps with healing trauma and most mental health issues.

I knew from the first 1-3 words my parents said on the phone if I could have a conversation (alcoholics). You can probably tell from the first 1-3 words in a voicemail what kind of message it is. Delete immediately- you don’t have to listen. You can block her number. Let the facility know what you’re doing. They deserve to know. We don’t know what their level of involvement will be however they’ve got plenty of experience with this!

Good luck! I’m in your corner.

As I have been taking care of Mother 24/7 for the past 18 months, I have learned a lot about my childhood. We live our lives forward and understand it backwards. I see now how catty and passive aggressive she has always been. There was one time when I asked her why she was treating me bad, and she said, "Because I can." Rather than become reactive, I let it go, but now when she starts acting up, I remind her that MY mother always told me, "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Oh, the look on her face the first time I said this!
I have had to tell Mother on more than one occasion that I'm taking a time out because I don't think we are being nice.