My 85 year old mother has some dementia and she leaves nasty messages on your answer machine she does not get her way. I am a caregiver to my husband who has Parkinson's disease, severe to moderate dementia, suffered several strokes, diabetes and other health issues. I have to assist him in bathing, going to the bathroom and other daily tasks. He has fallen several times and broken bones, so he is a fall risk. My mother who lives in an independent senior apartment who me and my siblings pay for an inhome care aid to come 7 days week to help her. My mother is so jealous of me taking care of my husband and when I have inlaws coming to visit. She says I was stupid to take care of my husband and not doing anything else in my life. I was fortunate to retire from the Federal Government after 39+ years. I enjoy being at home because before I retired I did not have a break (always worked more than 40 hours a week).
I was married before to a physical and verbally abusive man whom I divorce after 12 years of marriage. I did not realize what a relief it was to be out of that situation. Now, I am content with just taking care of my second husband with the help of my son. When my mother is verbal abusive to me it brings back memories of the fights I had with my first abusive husband. My question is what is the difference tolerating a verbally abusive mother and a verbally abusive husband? I left my first husband and never looked back. Should I do the same with my abusive mother?
Is mom not able to pay for assistance on her own? Why do the children pay for it? As her dementia progresses, she'll have to move to AL or MC. Some assistance is built into the cost, additional assistance will cost more. Is she going to be able to pay for this? As someone else noted, NH is NOT what mom needs. That is for those who require specialized nursing care that AL and MC will not provide. She is nowhere near needing that and it would likely make her even more cantankerous!!!
As for her behavior, whether it is long-standing or new due to dementia, you have choices to make:
1. If her voice messages begin with nastiness, delete it without listening to the whole message.
2. Don't discuss care for your husband or in-laws visiting. She doesn't need to know and can't complain about what she doesn't know! If she brings them up, tell her you haven't seen in-laws in months or years, and hubby is doing fine. End of discussion!
3. If she calls and starts being nasty, stop her and tell her if she continues, conversation is over, then hang up if she continues. Do not answer if she calls again, and if need be take the phone off the hook (cell phone, turn off sound, or "dismiss" call and let it go to voice mail.)
4. If she is nasty when you visit, bring someone else along. Sometimes having another person inhibits this. If not, tell her to be nice or you will leave. If she continues, leave. Someone else mentioned this and I have seen my mom behave much differently when "others" are around (have to keep up pretenses so the others are not aware of the dirty laundry!!)
5. If this is new behavior, it isn't easy but let the nasty comments roll off your back. YOU know what you do for her and YOU know her comments are unwarranted. Yes, it can be hurtful, but if you just chalk it up to dementia and let it slide, don't take it to heart, it'll get better and easier over time.
6. If this is old behavior, you can still try to let it slide. Before our mother developed dementia I finally told her one time that it hurt that she called me a freak when growing up. I know she had told me how her sisters had called her that. Her response? I don't remember that. Sure you don't, because it didn't hurt YOU! Some people have no idea how much they hurt you by things they say and do!
7. Attempt to change the discussion (refocus, redirect.) This does sometimes work with those who have dementia. If not, then make your excuses and leave.
8. Bring some little "treat" along, whether food/beverage item, special book, etc, that you know she likes. Focus is then on her and takes it off whatever she thinks is wrong/bad.
Although those with dementia often don't learn, repetition can sometimes work. If you draw that line with her (stop or I will leave/hangup) and follow through, it might eventually leave an impression. Someone mentioned it took about 3 months for their attempts to work! Final option is to reduce the number and length of visits. Stay STRONG!
Key take aways: Don't believe or dwell on her nasty comments and learn to walk away if she won't stop!
Thanks everyone for all your advice and support. It means a lot.
Thanks everyone for your input and caring.
I have an abusive elder mom and dad. They will never change. The same cycle has been going on all my life with them. Now they are old, and meaner by every year. They know that they hurt me but just don’t care. They also abuse eachother verbally. I divorced them, bc they only tear me down thats the only thing that is for sure.
If she leaves a message and you begin to listen and you find it abusive delete it do not even listen to the full message.
If you visit and she starts say you are not going to take the abuse and walk out.
It sounds like you did the right thing, the difficult and brave thing to leave an abusive marriage. If you were counseling someone and they gave you the same circumstances between you and how your mother treats you what would you tell them . It does not matter if the abuser is a parent, a spouse, a friend or significant other. Abuse is abuse and it can not nor should it be tolerated.
Why place yourself in a toxic situation just because the abuser happens to share DNA?
Never, ever allow another human to abuse you - they are not worth your allowing them to do this to you. They are sick, evil, selfish people. I learned this far too late in life but once I did, my life improved.