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My mother will be 95 next month. Was diagnosed with dementia 7 years ago. I moved in with my mother to be caregiver after my father passed away in 2014. She was not able to stay alone. Leaving stove on, had a couple stove, oven fires. Thank goodness they were small enough to put out. During these 7 years I have had 3 days and nights to myself. I lied and told her I was going out of town and since no one would be here to help her she would have to go to her other daughters house while I was gone. She went. Reluctantly! That was about 4 years ago. I get a few hours reprieve once a week but that is it. I am about to have a breakdown so I told her I was going out of town again next week. She has already dug her heels in and has developed an attitude today. She has has cataract surgery several times, the last time did not work. She is about blind in her one eye. She has trouble seeing what is right in front of her face at times. She can not remember to take her medicine. Has trouble with the remote for the TV. Can’t open water bottles, cans, food packages. Opens the doors if someone knocks without looking to see who it is. That is IF she can hear them. She will not wear her hearing aids so I am constantly screaming at her. She thinks she can do everything that she did years ago and says she is perfectly able to stay be herself. Believe me, she is not able to do anything by herself. She had knee replacement about 5 years ago on 1 knee. Her other knee is bone on bone and arthritis under her kneecap. She can barely get around.


My dilemma. She is refusing to go to my sisters and does not want a stranger coming in while I am gone. I really need a few days to myself. I am literally at the end of my rope. My sister can not come to my mothers house to stay. She said she is not going anywhere. Do I leave her alone? I really hate to do that, but I have to get away. 24/7/365/ for 7 years. Any suggestions?

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What does your sister think about this arrangement? ( could she stay with your mom?).
This is NOT a healthy situation for either of you. Your mother is in serious need of safety measures to protect her. You are in serious need of regaining your life.
I would call social services for their advice.Then I would loook for a facility where your mother could live. Then..... when you two are together, it could be on a happier note.
Don;t be satisfied with your misery.
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How about respite care? Is that an option? She can go to respite care at a long term care facility (some assisted livings even offer it!) for a few days. At this point, you need to forget about what she wants. What she wants and what she needs are two different things. You need (And deserve a break) and she needs to be cared for while you are gone. If respite care in a facility isn’t an option, then I think your only other option is to bring in an outside caregiver (one who can handle an uncooperative possibly cranky old woman) for a few days. Otherwise if none of those are an option, make her go to your sisters house. Pack her bag and drop her off. Your sister is willing to take her right?
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Why are you letting a demented mind run the show?
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Please do not leave your mother alone. She could get into all sorts of trouble. Be firm and insist she go to your sisters house and if she puts up a fight tell her she needs to cooperate otherwise she will go to a respite facility for a few days. It is either sisters house or facility. I would not leave her alone with a new caregiver but maybe hire someone for a few hours and see how it works out and maybe in the future the caregiver might stay with your mom for a few days. Wishing you a nice few days of respite.
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How can you continue to care for her at home even with a few days away? Sounds to me as if you've done your very best for a looong time, and she needs to move to a facility where she can get more help; you can then have a life.
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YOU are in charge of her. You can not leave her alone.
She has 3 options.
1. She goes to your sisters house for 1 week. (this way sister will get a good idea what it is like as well)
2. You hire someone to come in for a week.
3. You place her in a facility for Respite for a week.

Have to ask, is mom on Hospice? She might be eligible and Hospice will provide a week of Respite for Hospice patients. This is a Medicare provided "perk" of being on Hospice.

Are you POA? Can you make these decisions for her? If you do not have POA you might need to become her Guardian.
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I got my mom into assisted living by simply taking her. The facility director came to interview her to see if she was a fit for the place. I took her to visit it once. Both times she was awful and said absolutely no. I arranged a move in day, filled her new room with her belongings - she didn't even notice that her favorite chair was gone from her house - and her home care lady and I took her to her new home and one of us stayed with her for many hours until she figured out where she was. We just did it. If your mom doesn't wander or isn't combative, you can just either take her to respite, sister's, home care, or permanently to assisted living. She never will agree to go. I hope you or your sister have POA and can do this because you really can't go on in the same manner. If you decide on home care, continue it when you return from your trip.
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You tell her either she goes to your sisters or you will be placing her in a nursing home. Let's see how quickly she agrees to go to your sisters then. You can not continue on the path you are on. Caregiver burnout is a real thing and you are well beyond the breaking point. In all reality it is probably past due that mom be placed in a facility anyway. You have done more than your fair share and now you are the one suffering. You have to know when enough is enough, and from what I'm reading, you're well past enough. So please go on your little get away and when you return, you and your siblings start looking for the nicest care facility for your mom that she can afford, and you get on with living your life, or you will end up being in the statistic of the caregiver dying before the one being cared for.
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Yes, read Barb's answer. (And whatever did happen when you posted the same question a year ago?)

So you are about 70 years old now, correct? And all the care of your 95 y/o mother is on you? There is one sister...any other sibs?

Are you willing to do something to change the situation or not?

(And by the way, what are the plans if your mother causes YOU to die because of the stress, and she ends up outliving you?)

I'll ask the same question that I did in 09/19...why is she more important than you?
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Have you ever heard the expression "to ask permission is to seek denial"?

It seems to me as though you are asking your mom's permission to have a break. And she keeps saying "no".

How about you say "mom, it's time you and I had a break from each other. You are going to go to (fill in the blank) while I'm away. If she argues, you simply say "that's the way it's going to be, mom. Sorry that you're not happy about that".

Or, on "moving day", you simply take her where she is going. If she pitches a fit, big deal.

Why do you care more about your mom's approval than you do about your own mental and physical health?
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