My mother will be 95 next month. Was diagnosed with dementia 7 years ago. I moved in with my mother to be caregiver after my father passed away in 2014. She was not able to stay alone. Leaving stove on, had a couple stove, oven fires. Thank goodness they were small enough to put out. During these 7 years I have had 3 days and nights to myself. I lied and told her I was going out of town and since no one would be here to help her she would have to go to her other daughters house while I was gone. She went. Reluctantly! That was about 4 years ago. I get a few hours reprieve once a week but that is it. I am about to have a breakdown so I told her I was going out of town again next week. She has already dug her heels in and has developed an attitude today. She has has cataract surgery several times, the last time did not work. She is about blind in her one eye. She has trouble seeing what is right in front of her face at times. She can not remember to take her medicine. Has trouble with the remote for the TV. Can’t open water bottles, cans, food packages. Opens the doors if someone knocks without looking to see who it is. That is IF she can hear them. She will not wear her hearing aids so I am constantly screaming at her. She thinks she can do everything that she did years ago and says she is perfectly able to stay be herself. Believe me, she is not able to do anything by herself. She had knee replacement about 5 years ago on 1 knee. Her other knee is bone on bone and arthritis under her kneecap. She can barely get around.
My dilemma. She is refusing to go to my sisters and does not want a stranger coming in while I am gone. I really need a few days to myself. I am literally at the end of my rope. My sister can not come to my mothers house to stay. She said she is not going anywhere. Do I leave her alone? I really hate to do that, but I have to get away. 24/7/365/ for 7 years. Any suggestions?
It seems to me as though you are asking your mom's permission to have a break. And she keeps saying "no".
How about you say "mom, it's time you and I had a break from each other. You are going to go to (fill in the blank) while I'm away. If she argues, you simply say "that's the way it's going to be, mom. Sorry that you're not happy about that".
Or, on "moving day", you simply take her where she is going. If she pitches a fit, big deal.
Why do you care more about your mom's approval than you do about your own mental and physical health?
So you are about 70 years old now, correct? And all the care of your 95 y/o mother is on you? There is one sister...any other sibs?
Are you willing to do something to change the situation or not?
(And by the way, what are the plans if your mother causes YOU to die because of the stress, and she ends up outliving you?)
I'll ask the same question that I did in 09/19...why is she more important than you?
You can no longer reason with Mom. Who has POA? I would call around and see if respite care is even allowed during COVID. They may allow her but she would be quarantined. If sister is willing then just drop her off. Pack her bags when she is not around and put them in the car. Don't ask, say "Mom, we are going for a ride". When u get to sisters " Going to visit for a while" I would think by now she has no conception of time. Then leave quietly. Just like you would a child.
If this is getting too much for you, you may want to consider LTC for Mom. Spend down any money she has on a nice facility and then file for Medicaid. Since you have resided in her home you may be able to stay, but may need to prove you can keep the house up and pay the bills. Moms income will go to pay for her care.
She has 3 options.
1. She goes to your sisters house for 1 week. (this way sister will get a good idea what it is like as well)
2. You hire someone to come in for a week.
3. You place her in a facility for Respite for a week.
Have to ask, is mom on Hospice? She might be eligible and Hospice will provide a week of Respite for Hospice patients. This is a Medicare provided "perk" of being on Hospice.
Are you POA? Can you make these decisions for her? If you do not have POA you might need to become her Guardian.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-do-you-do-when-mother-will-not-go-stay-anywhere-even-with-family-to-give-caregiver-time-away-452277.htm?orderby=recent&page=1
In your shoes, I would use mom's money to hire some in-home caregivers and go away for a week. I assume you have POA.
You moved into your mother's house. If this is not working out for you both, start preparing to move out. Call the local Area Agency on Aging and have a needs assessment done. Contact APS and report that you will be moving for your own health reasons on November 1 and that your mother is unsafe to live alone.
This is NOT a healthy situation for either of you. Your mother is in serious need of safety measures to protect her. You are in serious need of regaining your life.
I would call social services for their advice.Then I would loook for a facility where your mother could live. Then..... when you two are together, it could be on a happier note.
Don;t be satisfied with your misery.