I have a very part time situation that I have been caring for a man (93) wheelchair bound. His wife is 93, and very small, and they are a lovely couple.
I am there every Saturday at 5:30 - 9:30pm
and Sunday 5:30 - 9:30
I spend the time to make them a special dinner each night I am there, and include something (one thing) that I have made just for them, why? Because I do care, and I realize that they have live a long life, and he had a tumor, and they really have no outside joy in their life.
She is getting a bit depressed.
They have a son ABC, that lives at home that is near his 60's.
He is rarely there, yet, tonight when I was getting ready to leave, and this man and woman are the most cordial that I have ever had.
ABC comes home from the "BAR" and states, "how are you doing" I said "fine",
he had a funny look on his face, and he has always been a 1/2 glass empty kind of guy. Remember this is not judgment just fact, he lives with his parents. near 60 years of age, and does not care "caregiving wise" for his father.
So, last week it had been arranged that last Sunday I was to have the night off as that is what the mother requested.
He said today (a week later to me) his mother and father were in bed, and I was ready to leave. "You really let us down last week". This is not the first time, and he always has a way to interfere with three caregivers that are doing their best.
I stated "I do not understand" he said "my mother did this all by herself last week, and you really let her down, and you were not here last week", "why are caregivers so flakey". I was furious, but held my cool. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.
this son, is "trying to destroy and get rid of all of the caregivers that come in and he scares them away with his negativity". He is also angry at his own life, (welcome to the dynamics of caregiving with the entire family dynamics right?
I do not want to allow him to treat any of us like this, and know if I say anything, I know that is a risk, but I believe I am the strongest (mentally) of all the caregivers, and that the others would just take his abuse. Sorry, but if Pat, the wife is paying us, and she calls us to come or not to come, then he says, "she really does need you even though she says don't come" I said, I am hired by your mother, and I will do what your mother tells me.
His comment: Caregivers are unreliable.
I stated "I do not understand, Pat your mother said I was not needed", then he proceeded to state "you cannot trust anyone, especially caregivers", I said "ABC, what is the problem, I have noticed that every time you have a chance to say something to me regardless of the fact that the only reason I see you is because you live here, you are not assisting with caregiving, cooking, etc., yet you tell all of us, that your parents cannot afford us, and that we are not reliable.
Can you please fill me in, as I have been someone that your parents have trusted, and been able to count on, and it seems like your frustration with your family situation is something possibly you are taking out on the caregivers, can you explain.
He said, No, I just think caregivers are not reliable. "So what do you want me to do", his comment "listen to me", I said, "whom do I report to, you, your mother, your two sisters or your brother". He stated, you just don't understand.
I said, well possibly if you feel that way, let me share some day what works, without involving the family. (I was going to suggest leaving the planning to the caregivers, which I have managed for many families) But I realize this has nothing to with the caregivers and everything to do with the fact, that the mother is humiliated that her 60 year old son is living with them, and the father is ashamed.
What do i do.?
Moreover what do I say.
He is going to chase caregivers away. I have been through this enough to know that life is too short, but his poor mother needs to know her son is causing all the disruption in the caregivers situations.