I have a very part time situation that I have been caring for a man (93) wheelchair bound. His wife is 93, and very small, and they are a lovely couple.

I am there every Saturday at 5:30 - 9:30pm
and Sunday 5:30 - 9:30

I spend the time to make them a special dinner each night I am there, and include something (one thing) that I have made just for them, why? Because I do care, and I realize that they have live a long life, and he had a tumor, and they really have no outside joy in their life.

She is getting a bit depressed.

They have a son ABC, that lives at home that is near his 60's.

He is rarely there, yet, tonight when I was getting ready to leave, and this man and woman are the most cordial that I have ever had.

ABC comes home from the "BAR" and states, "how are you doing" I said "fine",
he had a funny look on his face, and he has always been a 1/2 glass empty kind of guy. Remember this is not judgment just fact, he lives with his parents. near 60 years of age, and does not care "caregiving wise" for his father.

So, last week it had been arranged that last Sunday I was to have the night off as that is what the mother requested.

He said today (a week later to me) his mother and father were in bed, and I was ready to leave. "You really let us down last week". This is not the first time, and he always has a way to interfere with three caregivers that are doing their best.

I stated "I do not understand" he said "my mother did this all by herself last week, and you really let her down, and you were not here last week", "why are caregivers so flakey". I was furious, but held my cool. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

this son, is "trying to destroy and get rid of all of the caregivers that come in and he scares them away with his negativity". He is also angry at his own life, (welcome to the dynamics of caregiving with the entire family dynamics right?

I do not want to allow him to treat any of us like this, and know if I say anything, I know that is a risk, but I believe I am the strongest (mentally) of all the caregivers, and that the others would just take his abuse. Sorry, but if Pat, the wife is paying us, and she calls us to come or not to come, then he says, "she really does need you even though she says don't come" I said, I am hired by your mother, and I will do what your mother tells me.

His comment: Caregivers are unreliable.

I stated "I do not understand, Pat your mother said I was not needed", then he proceeded to state "you cannot trust anyone, especially caregivers", I said "ABC, what is the problem, I have noticed that every time you have a chance to say something to me regardless of the fact that the only reason I see you is because you live here, you are not assisting with caregiving, cooking, etc., yet you tell all of us, that your parents cannot afford us, and that we are not reliable.

Can you please fill me in, as I have been someone that your parents have trusted, and been able to count on, and it seems like your frustration with your family situation is something possibly you are taking out on the caregivers, can you explain.

He said, No, I just think caregivers are not reliable. "So what do you want me to do", his comment "listen to me", I said, "whom do I report to, you, your mother, your two sisters or your brother". He stated, you just don't understand.
I said, well possibly if you feel that way, let me share some day what works, without involving the family. (I was going to suggest leaving the planning to the caregivers, which I have managed for many families) But I realize this has nothing to with the caregivers and everything to do with the fact, that the mother is humiliated that her 60 year old son is living with them, and the father is ashamed.

What do i do.?

Moreover what do I say.

He is going to chase caregivers away. I have been through this enough to know that life is too short, but his poor mother needs to know her son is causing all the disruption in the caregivers situations.

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Livelifefull, by chain of command I meant that the mother is the boss of you. That means you have to follow what she says. I guess you could tell the son, "You're not the boss of me." That probably wouldn't go over too well, though.
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I should but just wanted advice ? sorry typo

In this family there is no chain of command
two adult daughters 73 and 61 (the 61 year old is where I got the job) very very part time, and only weekends. She never ever has talked on the phone to me, and I just met her for the first time last weekend, I started oh about 9 months or so ago.?
Large family
Family ties that bind and gag?
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Thanks to all so my question, and the mother is 93, a bit depressed, but not terribly, just lives with two men, one her husband that she has catered to all her life, and one that she is embarrassed to have living at home. I only know that because I said in the beginning, oh P it must be nice to have your son (this was before I knew he was above caring for his father) living with you. She rolled her eyes, and said "you have two boys, they are less than 35, and have families, how would you feel if your son was the captain of an airline and now is making minimum wage?

So should I somehow share with her that he is doing this. I think I should be just wanted advice, I do not want to create issues, but trust me, the caregivers in this family are not the issues. The siblings are all pretty balance but the child (60) living at home. Mr. XYZ (driving mom and dad's car), oh but send me he did tell me he provides for this house? Sounds like he needs a therapist truly, but he does get in the way of all the caregivers, and I have ignored him up til now, because I do not believe the mother would want this to be going on. She looks 70 is amazing, slowing down, but just tired, really tired, and i think more of the son than her own husband.

Happy day
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On the lighter side, you could start referring to the son as XYZ instead of ABC.
Helpful Answer (2)

Avoid this man, take out the trash when he shows up. Refer his questions to his mother. If it gets bad, say to the mother, "your son is home, would you like me to leave early today?", giving her the option to save embarrassment and money?
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If he tries to engage you in conversation again just tell him that you'll have to check with his mother and leave it at that. Don't ask him to explain anything, don't engage with him at all. He's looking for an argument and for someone to take his frustrations out on.
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Regarding "that the mother is humiliated that her 60 year old son is living with them, and the father is ashamed"... all the parents have to do is look at themselves for the reason that the son is still under their roof for all those years. He's one spoiled child.
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Really... the repeating of things makes me wonder if he had imbibed a bit too much.
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I would have done just what you did, saying simply that Mom was the boss and if she said not to come, then I would respect that wish. And if he thought differently, then he should talk about it with her. As an employee, I wouldn't have engaged in any conversation outside the boss-employee chain of command. Really, you had no authority to not do what you boss asked of you -- skip a night. Maybe she had her own special plans for the evening and wanted to be alone?
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