I just got married and I'm 41. My mom is 71. She lives in my home (I inherited it mortgage-free). My mom hated my now-husband mainly because she felt threatened by him. I have been living with my mom up until now.
Things continued to get heated because my brother (32) is the golden child (drug addiction, no job, never worked, steals and lies). Now that I’m married, my husband and I want to move into my home. Before getting married, my mom and brother threatened me constantly with court because they insisted my now-husband wanted the house. They fulfilled their own prophecy. My mom didn’t come to my wedding either, by the way.
I wanted my brother out of my house mainly due to the drug deals going on. If I kick him out, everyone says my mom will go with him. So I made the decision to have her evicted and I feel such immense guilt. My therapist insists I shouldn’t feel guilt. All my friends remind me that if the tables were turned, my mom would have thrown us out. My mom is healthy and does have financial means to move. I guess I’m mourning in a way.
Thank you for letting me rant.
Your mother has financial means to live on her own. That she CHOSE to force your hand and be evicted means that she is likely of a somewhat sociopathic personality. Most parents who have means and are able bodied do not insist on living with their 41 year old children and the spouses with whom they cannot get along.
You ask if you should feel guilty? About what? About wanting to live with your husband in your own home? I don't understand that kind of thinking really.
I hope that the family trauma-drama isn't carried forward into your new marriage by either you or your husband, and that if you find yourself repeating old movies you seek the help of marriage counseling earlier rather than later.
Good luck.
You deserve to now live "happily ever after" with your new husband with no one else in your house but the 2 of you.
So if you haven't already(as I'm not clear on this)make sure you get your brother out ASAP too.
Congratulations and best wishes on starting your life together as it should be.
You've probably given your brother nothing because there's not much drug addicts want but drugs and $$$$$ for more drugs. He'll have to wake up on his own one day, hopefully not on a prison cot, but that may be what it takes for him to find his way.
Congratulations on your marriage! Now please go enjoy it, in YOUR home, and be Happy! You've done nothing you weren't forced to do, remember that.
While this woman may have given birth to you, her behavior towards you has been ugly and manipulative - not "motherly" at all. You cannot make someone love you. It sounds like she is not capable of loving you.
I'm glad you are in therapy, because it would help you to explore why you feel guilty for evicting someone who has treated you so badly.
Enjoy your home with your husband.
Mom and brother can find other housing.
What there is is what IS ... feelings a person feels.
Judging them one way or the other WON'T help you process through them.
The work of processing through feelings is where an effective therapist comes in.
Personally, I 200% APPLAUD you for evicting your mother.
Perhaps you can reframe the word(s) to ... 'I asked her to leave ... with legal authority to do so' - While I am making light of a difficult situation that you feel, words and reframing DOES MATTER. Ask your therapist about this.
What I have done in reprograming my mind / thoughts:
I counter them with a response... a healthy, supportive response.
Let's see ... an example ...
"I evicted my mother and feel horrible about it."
Response:
Well, yes, I did insist she leave for my own sanity and well-being.
I helped her thrive for xxx years ... doing xxx. It was hard. I felt belittled, stressed and miserable for xxx years.
In other words, I paid my dues emotionally and every other way.
It is now MY TURN to have a full live and enjoy it with my husband (and get to know myself in new wonderful ways).
While you can simplify how you do 'self-talk,' the point is learning to get into the habit of CHALLENGING how you talk to yourself.
Do not take any of your thoughts as a 'given' (this is the way it is ... it isn't).
You can choose how you feel about a thought and you can change a thought which changes a feeling. It is first an awareness to do so, then a practice (becomes an automatic practice to check yourself when negative (reinforcing messages come into your thoughts).
I congratulate you on starting a new life, getting married at age 41.
That is quite amazing to me. How fortunate you are. I'm still a wee bit hopeful at 73...
What you did to me is short of admirable to the highest degree.
It takes a huge amount of courage and inner strength.
Accept that you could be mouring and feeling ALL KINDS OF FEELINGS THAT ARE INTERTWINED. Give yourself a break and 'be' with them as they come and go. Learn to observe without attachment.
Check out Rick Hanson Wed nights - Buddhist talk and meditation. He is amazing.
When you need a pep talk, email me. Your mom is healthy and so fortunate to have financial means. She'll do fine on her own (or make her own choices) making a new life, as you are.
Gena / Touch Matters
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