I just got married and I'm 41. My mom is 71. She lives in my home (I inherited it mortgage-free). My mom hated my now-husband mainly because she felt threatened by him. I have been living with my mom up until now.
Things continued to get heated because my brother (32) is the golden child (drug addiction, no job, never worked, steals and lies). Now that I’m married, my husband and I want to move into my home. Before getting married, my mom and brother threatened me constantly with court because they insisted my now-husband wanted the house. They fulfilled their own prophecy. My mom didn’t come to my wedding either, by the way.
I wanted my brother out of my house mainly due to the drug deals going on. If I kick him out, everyone says my mom will go with him. So I made the decision to have her evicted and I feel such immense guilt. My therapist insists I shouldn’t feel guilt. All my friends remind me that if the tables were turned, my mom would have thrown us out. My mom is healthy and does have financial means to move. I guess I’m mourning in a way.
Thank you for letting me rant.
It‘s your legal property. Best of luck untangling the mess so you can enjoy your marriage. No doubt you will need an aggressive attorney as they won’t go without a fight. You two deserve a peaceful, happy home.
What there is is what IS ... feelings a person feels.
Judging them one way or the other WON'T help you process through them.
The work of processing through feelings is where an effective therapist comes in.
Personally, I 200% APPLAUD you for evicting your mother.
Perhaps you can reframe the word(s) to ... 'I asked her to leave ... with legal authority to do so' - While I am making light of a difficult situation that you feel, words and reframing DOES MATTER. Ask your therapist about this.
What I have done in reprograming my mind / thoughts:
I counter them with a response... a healthy, supportive response.
Let's see ... an example ...
"I evicted my mother and feel horrible about it."
Response:
Well, yes, I did insist she leave for my own sanity and well-being.
I helped her thrive for xxx years ... doing xxx. It was hard. I felt belittled, stressed and miserable for xxx years.
In other words, I paid my dues emotionally and every other way.
It is now MY TURN to have a full live and enjoy it with my husband (and get to know myself in new wonderful ways).
While you can simplify how you do 'self-talk,' the point is learning to get into the habit of CHALLENGING how you talk to yourself.
Do not take any of your thoughts as a 'given' (this is the way it is ... it isn't).
You can choose how you feel about a thought and you can change a thought which changes a feeling. It is first an awareness to do so, then a practice (becomes an automatic practice to check yourself when negative (reinforcing messages come into your thoughts).
I congratulate you on starting a new life, getting married at age 41.
That is quite amazing to me. How fortunate you are. I'm still a wee bit hopeful at 73...
What you did to me is short of admirable to the highest degree.
It takes a huge amount of courage and inner strength.
Accept that you could be mouring and feeling ALL KINDS OF FEELINGS THAT ARE INTERTWINED. Give yourself a break and 'be' with them as they come and go. Learn to observe without attachment.
Check out Rick Hanson Wed nights - Buddhist talk and meditation. He is amazing.
When you need a pep talk, email me. Your mom is healthy and so fortunate to have financial means. She'll do fine on her own (or make her own choices) making a new life, as you are.
Gena / Touch Matters
You may love who gave birth to you, but your mother’s bullying behavior does not excuse her bad behavior with you nor anyone else on our planet. It’s your house, so you decide what you see fit. Sounds like she did not earn her keep with those who love her and trying to help her❤️😢 And get your brother moved out, too.
If her living arrangements with you do not work out, get a lawyer to get herself evicted to another suitable place for herself. And I wish you and your mom the best. I do emphasize with your situation.
And verify your property homeowners records with the County. If you are the sole owner of this home, you have your rights to protect you.
I went through similar bullying with my late mother with bipolar and did not put up with one damn ounce of her crap(excuse my French). Mom took full advantage of me for over 30
years since I had no other place to go without local family. We both Had to work to make it. We worked things out until she got much, much older. She never could love anyone, me, nor my other family who helped her. She got herself out to assisted living when no longer able to care for herself at 93, not me.
She wanted to fight me in court but did not have any more strength even though this was not my fault she was forced out!
Any problems staying in this house? Your last resort is to sell it and move on to peace and quiet elsewhere.
It is Your House! It’s your call to rid of your dysfunctional family to protect your life and husband. Speak up for yourself without guilt.
Was it your family home? There must be a reason it was left to you, and not to your mother. Were you expected to allow her to continue living there?
I ask, because, taking over the family home and kicking everyone else out, is bound to cause conflict and bad emotions!
However, it is your house, and you are not putting your own mother out on the street. I agree there is no reason for you to feel guilty.
What are you mourning? The death of a loved one? The changing of the family dynamics? Your mom leaving? You have a lot to deal with! I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.
You have caused a lot of disruption and family upset with your own actions. That is bound to have an effect on you. I hope you work this out in time and come to accept your own decisions.
"You have caused a lot of disruption and family upset with your own actions."
The OP inherited the house from one of her grandmothers. She allowed her mother to live with her out of guilt, but she didn't want her brother there because of his drug habit and making illegal deals at her home.
Her mother and brother tried to take legal action against her and her partner, now her husband. Her mum didn't even attend her wedding.
She owes them nothing. She hasn't done anything wrong.
No reason to feel guilty about someone who doesn't want to be a part of your life! She's going to have to live with that and not with you! Just be happy! Hope you can shake the therapist, too. You've got a loving spouse to talk to now!
Congratulations on your new life! It's nice to hear something good now and then.
Other responses say to ignore your guilt. I think that's easier said than done.
Dr Kubler-Ross outlined 5 stages of loss that almost everybody goes through. Knowing the stages may help:
Stage 1 - Denial - the thoughts/feelings that the loss isn't real.
Stage 2 - Anger - the thoughts/feelings that "this shouldn't happen" or "this isn't right".
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the thoughts/feelings/actions that "if I only do... it will return to what was normal"
Stage 4 - Depression - the thoughts/feelings of sadness when realize the loss isn't going away
stage 5 - Acceptance - the thoughts/feelings of peace or feeling ok with what is now life after the loss.
Eventually, we all have to accept whatever is and make the best of it. Maybe working on making the best of what you have in life will help you get to a place of peace and acceptance sooner.
Who has paid for the property tax, maintenance fees and/or repair fees, electricity, gas, internet, cable, etc. since you inherited the house? If they have been helping you pay for these things, I can see why you might feel some guilt, especially property tax and maintenance/repair fees.
If that is the case, can you return say, 2 years worth? That might help your guilty feelings.
No, she owes them nothing!
Enjoy your home with your husband.
Mom and brother can find other housing.
Congratulations and best wishes on starting your life together as it should be.
You have acted wisely and are looking after yourself and your marriage.
As well as false guilt, I think you are right about mourning and likely there is anger mixed in too with the hurt. Those of us with mentally unhealthy family members need to grieve the lack of a healthy supportive family. Everybody needs one, but some of us don't get one. It/s a loss/a lack in our lives. Just go with the flow of your feelings and work them through. Your hub and friends can support you. Get therapy if you feel you need it.
Wishing you all the best.
I think you nailed it saying it’s like mourning. That there’s virtually no hope of mother being the loving person she should have been. Or with your brother getting his act together. It sucks.
Whether you have kids or not, you can still break the cycle! You already have by establishing your own home and life.
You've probably given your brother nothing because there's not much drug addicts want but drugs and $$$$$ for more drugs. He'll have to wake up on his own one day, hopefully not on a prison cot, but that may be what it takes for him to find his way.
Congratulations on your marriage! Now please go enjoy it, in YOUR home, and be Happy! You've done nothing you weren't forced to do, remember that.
Your mother has financial means to live on her own. That she CHOSE to force your hand and be evicted means that she is likely of a somewhat sociopathic personality. Most parents who have means and are able bodied do not insist on living with their 41 year old children and the spouses with whom they cannot get along.
You ask if you should feel guilty? About what? About wanting to live with your husband in your own home? I don't understand that kind of thinking really.
I hope that the family trauma-drama isn't carried forward into your new marriage by either you or your husband, and that if you find yourself repeating old movies you seek the help of marriage counseling earlier rather than later.
Good luck.
You deserve to now live "happily ever after" with your new husband with no one else in your house but the 2 of you.
So if you haven't already(as I'm not clear on this)make sure you get your brother out ASAP too.
While this woman may have given birth to you, her behavior towards you has been ugly and manipulative - not "motherly" at all. You cannot make someone love you. It sounds like she is not capable of loving you.
I'm glad you are in therapy, because it would help you to explore why you feel guilty for evicting someone who has treated you so badly.