My Mom is dying and needs me more than ever. Everything is hard and only gets worse. Anyone else? - AgingCare.com

My Mom is dying and needs me more than ever. Everything is hard and only gets worse. Anyone else?

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I am Mothers caregiver,9 years straight now.I want Mother to have peace in her environment on this journey. My husband says hurtful things to me. His constant picking and bickering just make things worse and I want to be at my best for Mother.Im 54 and hhe is 65.We have no children.

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If my wife had spent nine years the way you have I would be pretty d*mn grouchy too. probably would have moved out. Sorry to sound so gruff. Maybe hubby is a jerk, I don't know, but that's a lot to ask of a spouse.
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No way would I put Mother above my husband. She was married 3 times and I know where her alliances would lie. Currently, my mother is 96 and in a NH. My MIL is 92 and in assisted living. Everyone is happy.

Did you ever discuss things with your mom, before care became a necessity? She might have said, "Take care of your family."

I do have to smile about your husband being my age. Our time will come soon. He needs to make plans, too. Good luck.
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My husband would be the exact same way if I were in your shoes. In fact he doesn't like hearing about my mom now... she lives a mile away from me. And Now his mother is declining, and he wants to talk about her situation....She is just down the street from my mom.....You need to air out, and this is the spot. It's too bad spouses don't have a turn off button sometimes....
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If your mom is truly dying, consider putting her in a residential hospice facility. That way you can get some rest and let professionals take care of her medical and physical needs. You can take the time you need to take care of yourself and your husband, while visiting your mom as a loving daughter and not 24/7 do everything caregiver.
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First, take care of yourself. You have to.
I agree with others that you need help.
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Luckylu, your hubby probably is just so tired of the whole situation as 9 years is almost a full decade, plus your Mom has been on Hospice for over 2 years due to COPD.... plus on another post you said "I have 6 surgeries I have had to put off to continue to care for Mother", and that is probably also rattling his cage because you are not taking care of yourself.

From reading your past postings, sounds like Mom needs 24 hour care. At 54 you probably feel like 74 because all of this is so exhausting, physically and emotionally. Is this how you and hubby planned for your retirement? He's probably really resentful after almost 10 years.

Instead of being a "daughter" and a "wife" you have been a "caregiver", you can't be all of those things at once. He misses the wife he once had. I know maybe if he would jump in and help it would be better, but most of us know that isn't going to happen.
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Is he feeling neglected during the time you are caring for your mom? Is this the way he always is? How does he react when YOU'RE ill? Is he supportive, or does he sulk because you're not doting on him?
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I am lucky enough to have very supportive other half. If you can send him on a vacation, do it. I think there is enough stress without added stuff you do not need.
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