Trying to divert husband's request to go home. Any thoughts?

My dad was convinced he was a P.O.W. in a German camp (he was 8 yo when WWII began--?) or being held captive in a brothel---he wanted to go home! This was absolutely not feasible, due to topography and architecture of his lake home and the nicer "dementia care" facility we put him in (cost $5000. a month) demanded we also hire round-the-clock sitters ($8,000. a month) I told them he hated living there and if sitters were required, I could(and did) find an extremely nice apartment with sitters for much less than $13,000. a month that would give him much more autonomy and space. I rented him a luxury,handicapped-equipped apartment and fully furnished it, for several thousand dollars less a month.He wasn't institutionalized, which was really the sticking point for him. (He didn't really remember "home" either) He had his own,large bedroom with large ensuite bathroom, a kitchen and dining table, a fenced patio to sit out in when weather permitted, a spare bedroom for me,when I spent the night, a living room for his ladies to sit in,during non-care periods.I arranged Home Health to monitor his blood sugars, administer his meds and help assess his medical needs (Medicare and his Aetna gap coverage paid 100% of their costs except some of the medical copays I would have paid anyway---pharmacy,testsetc) You have to have sitters you can rely on---I had GREAT ones---and the extra bedroom is there if you feel you need to have occasional on-site supervision, to feel comfortable. My dad loved his apartment and felt he was home (own recliner,T.V., fridge,schedule etc etc) It worked out for all of us: he was safe and happier and we didn't have to try to juggle care in his entirely unsuitable home to keep him calm.He had Hospice Care at the end.He told everyone how much he loved his apartment and how much better his care was in his own place.It was a little more hands on for me,but not unbearably much more.

Mom asks me this a lot. I ask her where home is and the answer changes from when she was a little girl and back to when she was married to my father.

I just tell her "this is your home". She is in a group home that is very nice and they treat her very well. She doesn't like the food there because it's an Asian home. I bring her comfort food a lot. Choose a place that is close to you so you can visit frequently. I know it is so very difficult. I still feel very guilty for uprooting my mom who lost her husband and lived in MO and I live in AZ. Tried to do assisted living in IL for her and that did not work. Put her in an nursing home in Missouri which I hated and finally paid some people to kidnap her and bring her to AZ. I was in the car every step of the way and it was so difficult. So glad I brought her here. I am able to see her every single day.

Weeone: I read your question about your husband wanting to go home. I went through this with my mom a few years ago. She too said she never saw a doctor in the NF. It seemed that every day, she would see me and the first thing she said was "I want to go home". I would tell her things that would make sense at the time -- such as the fact it was too far, I would have to get back to work, or something (anything at the moment). After about 30 mins. I would take her outside (on nice days) or wheel her around to have a change of scenery. I doesn't really go away and I found I just had to be with her wherever she was (in her mind) and it made it easier for me that way. I showed my mom pictures of where she lived before the time she had to go to the NF and she didn't even recognize it (she had a beautiful apartment). In her mind, home was where she grew up and wanted to go there. She talked about her "own" bedroom, etc. I hope I haven't rambled on too much, but I wish you the best with this, and remember, most of the time, they're "stuck" in the past with their brains. I truly hate this terrible disease that robs our loved ones of the people they used to be.

Great idea!! A diversion usually works, sometimes maybe they just like to have a conversation like the rest of us do. My special needs daughter 47 with cerebral palsy does the same thing. It gets annoying when I don't remember to divert the conversation. She has difficulty with speech but I have learned to understand her most of the time. Have a great day

It might be interesting to ask someone who wants to "go home" to "tell me about your home." You could take the conversation from there; get clues about where chronologically they are on that day. Maybe wind up with "maybe someday you can show it to me."

Most verbal residents of any facility want to go home and make us caregivers feel a bit guilty for no longer being able to manage their problems at home. When my husband asked, we talked about home, what he remembered, what his hobby room looked like and I said we would go tomorrow if he still wanted to.
I also did not ever say "goodbye I am going home". I asked a staff member to distract him and I left quietly. When he remembered me, he looked for me at the center. He always thought I was around somewhere.

Hmm, an interesting perspective. Thank you. and good luck!

Salisbury, I stay mostly few minutes. If I stay, if not sleeping, she asks the same question over and over. Every time I say same thing. I think it might be tiring for her to keep asking as she has to whisper and I can't hear her. When I go she does not need to ask.

Yes, IloveBooks, you are right.But I am also grateful for the time to get used to the loss.

When my mother does, it will not be a shock at all for me because, actually, I lost her years ago. I do see a faint shadow of who she was in her now. But mostly, the person she was has already left. I have had years to adjust/grieve and am truly grateful for that.

I am caregiver for my MIL at the home she has lived in for 56 years. After my FIL died, she began declining rapidly. She has spells where she doesn't sleep and is confused about where she is and even who she is. She wants to go home even after I show her that she is home with her pictures on the walls, her clothes in her closet. Sometimes she responds that she wants to go to her other home.
Three months before he died, my FIL got up early one morning saying that this wasn't his home and she wasn't his wife, it was a trick.
Dementia is a terrible disease, robbing them of their minds and us of our loved ones long before they pass.

Hey, ferris1:
On your "heavenly home" comment, I have not ruled that out! When my father had dementia and was in the home, he would report to me that he had visitors - and they were always friends or relatives who had predeceased him. I have not ruled out the possibility that as he got "closer to the door," these people were coming to greet him in preparation for the final journey "home."

It's definitely an endless loop! My father kept saying that he wanted to go "to the coffee shop." When my mother was alive, they used to drive to a local donut shop, have coffee and a donut and chat with other seniors. I had trouble making him understand that he now lived 95 miles away from the coffee shop, so it was too far. Then I would tell him that there was a free coffee station at the current place where he was living, and ask him if he wanted to go down to the coffee station. So, we would go there and get some coffee - which seemed to make him happy.

Nancy50131 - posted a tear jerk comment, and for that I want to thank her! When my husband has some lucid moments, he always says, "I worry about you when I'm gone" as he did when he did not have dementia. (There is a 22 year age difference). Could it be that those with dementia have a heavenly definition of what "home" is? Are they really saying, "I want to go home (to end their suffering and to be with the Lord)? Food for thought...On a different note, check out the Spring 2016 issue of the Aging Care magazine. Amy and her staff were gracious enough to include my husband and I with some coping mechanisms I use. It is a beautiful magazine! Check it out (its online too).

I agree about the "home" thing. Home doesn't always mean his marriage home. It could mean a childhood home.

We too, very often experience the "I want to go home" complaint, even though Dad has been in his current home for 15 years now. Where 'home' is or which home he might be referring to at any time is not always easy to determine. He also still refers to "getting my car and going home" quite often and asks almost daily where his car is and even though it is still parked within sight of his dining room window, he does not recognize it at all. (Nor has he driven any vehicle in the last 8 years.) Distractions are rarely effective as he is repetitively persistent and singularly focused on these two complaints. Frustrating for us to endure - absolutely, but even more heartbreaking to see Dad be so lost.

The comments about not trying to explain anything to a person with dementia are spot on. That never works -- took me forever to learn that, and I still struggle with it at times.
Divert. If they complain about the food, offer to bring a favorite approved snack or take them to lunch or breakfast. If they complain about being in a home or AL, etc., I just say I have no say in it, that the attorney is overseeing it along with the doctor and I just say I'll look into it a bit.
I used to want to say "you're in this home because you forgot to eat and thought people were talking to you through your heat vents and you dropped your lit cigarette on your bed and nightgown and there were burn holes all over." Now I just say, you're looking better and let's keep mending, and I leave time out of it, except for things like "I'll be there Saturday at noon to take you to the shoe store," things like that.
Learning to stop reasoning and arguing is huge. And hard to do... You always expect a partner or parent to know better, and sadly they don't once dementia sets in. And if it's a bad day, usually it'll pass. Sunny days seem to be better, too. If it's overcast and sleeting my mom acts like a crabby toddler. If it's 70 and sunny, she's in much better spirits and mindset. (Has anyone else noticed that?)

I solved this one by persuading my Alzheimer's friend that she is staying in a modern hotel with all mod cons (it was built in 2011 and is lovely), and I have covered one of the walls with pictures brought from her old flat. She particularly appreciates the ones of her mother, which used to hang in gloomy places in different rooms, now they are one under the other. I also put the photos of famous people whom she knew on or near the TV. Then I encourage her to tell stories of her past. Distraction is also key. I brought in small items of furniture from her bedroom and her wardrobe is stuffed with clothes (some of them provided by the home) so sometimes we pull everything out and she spends ages deciding what she likes to wear. Finally, I brought loads of mugs and small boxes, and she spends a lot of time each day tidying up her bedroom and bathroom. I keep the magazines circulating (old ones go on a pile downstairs in the coffee room) and always about 12 of her favourite books within reach which she can start re-reading.

Where's the link to the article. Thanks

Detuchka, repost that link but spell out the word "dot", and then it will be allowed to remain. Or tell us what to google to find it.

EG, agingcare dot com. or the name of the speaker and the title of the talk. It sounds good! I want to see it!

I meant to mention that if he does not have any real serious memory issues, he may be one of the higher functioning patients if this is happening in a nursing facility. If this turns out to be the case, no amount of effort will work to divert the person's desire to go home if they still know what they want, and you'll probably get nowhere with him because he'll become even more stubborn. In some cases people don't always belong in nursing care. I saw such a case with a bitter old lady really didn't want to be at the facility and she was very angry. I could sense she was a very high functioning individual and I'm not sure what situation landed her in that particular home, but I could sense she probably didn't belong there. I was visiting someone at the home when I came across her, she was sitting in her room reading when I simply said hello in passing. This is how I found out about her when she copped an attitude over a simple hello. I was too young to understand the situation, but as I get older things start coming together and I'm realizing more and more. This is how I can warn you that patients should be very carefully screened and evaluated before considering a nursing home because not all patients along in a nursing home as they would assisted-living that still gives them independence.

Many thanks to all of you for your responses. You have given me several ideas which had not occurred to me.

Detuchka, I don't see a link for article. Can you repost it. My mom lives with me and everyday she wants to call for her kids to come pick her up. I would call my brother at same time everyday after work and he would tell her ok, I'm coming tomorrow to pick you up. It worked for a while but then it stopped working. She started telling him, no, I want to go now. It get's really hard when she asks to call my brothers and I can't because they are at work and she wants to call every 10 minutes. She cries and gets mad at me, saying why don't I want to help her, that we used to get along and now I hate her. Ughhh! This is so exhausting!

I know this will not help. My husband also wanted to "go home" from the hospital and the rehab facility. We brought him home. This did NOT solve the problem as he regressed and we never knew what decade he was in. So he insisted that he "go home". Everyday, it was "I don't live here...I want to go home". Home could be where he was born, where he lived in the 40's, 50's or 60's. But THIS was NOT home to him. I finally told him that I bought the apartment in which we were living and said we are going to paint in the Spring. What colors do you think we should use? He chose light green and chatted about how nice it would look. He congratulated me on a good purchase. This helped for a few hours. He died in November, after nine months, still wanting to "go home". I promised him that he would and as he took his last breath...I whispered in his ear....Go home, honey. I will be OK. Precious moments along with the aggravating ones.

One thing to ask yourself is if you really made the right decision to put him into nursing care. I would use this particular problem as an opportunity to reflect to see if he really belongs in independent (but assisted living). It may be that he doesn't really belong in a nursing home so much as assisted-living. He may be one of the higher functioning people in the facility for all we know, I would get him reevaluated and consider assisted-living in a senior apartment building

Don't try to explain anything to a person with dementia. Say you will see about going home later...leave it at that, and then turn your attention to something else. He clearly hasn't gotten out of the need to be home, so have photos to help reassure him it is still standing (even if you might have sold it). Do the best you can, and this asking will end soon...

How long has he been in care? When my mom got moved to a group home they asked me to stay away three weeks to give her time to adjust. She backslid a coupe times but eventually she sort of got used to being in the home. As for distractions, would bringing a photo album help? A game? Some activity that's relaxing and distracting? I usually bring a deck of cards or a travel Yahtzee and it takes some thoughts off my mom wanting to go back to her place. Doesn't always work, but when it does, it takes the stress off her and off myself.

It's really sad what you feel, but do realize it's a deteriorating brain stuck on a loop, repeating itself. That one thought, over and over, like a broken record. As soon as you leave, he forgets he wants to 'go home'. I don't get any talk from my mother about going home, thankfully, but I bring a stuffed animal or a magazine and give it to her just before I leave, to distract her. That might work for you. Realize it's not a serious request for you to take him home, it's a stuck record. Even if you did 'take him home' he would wonder 'where he was, what this strange place was'!

Weeone, I would just try different things and see what works the best. I tried many things, but ended up with saying that the doctor was monitoring her progress and that when the time was right, she'd come home. Later, I'd say, the paperwork was being prepared and it would be any day. (It doesn't matter, because she will forget that I told her that in 5 minutes.) I'd then say, "What a lovely blouse you have on. Let's walk over to the patio." Later, when she'd ask, I'd say the same thing, Over and over. Eventually, that phase passed for her.

1lovingmom, as to your question about taking her out for lunch. It depends on the individual and that might work for some, but my cousin gets disoriented when she leaves the Memory Care Unit. If she's gone for more than a few minutes, she is confused when she gets back. She gets anxious and I have to show her around, take her to her room and assure her where she is. I won't be doing that again. I take her meals/snacks to the unit and we have our party there.

OOPS! I just saw the other above posts. Thanks for sharing and answering this question I had!

My mom also does this and I do tell her it will be soon. But to add to the question. Is it wise to take her out for lunch or does this make things worse as far as her asking about moving home? Any thoughts?