Trying to divert husband's request to go home. Any thoughts?

The basic need for what is familiar and feels safe seems to be behind the need to "go home.". However, often rather than explaining to people why they live where they now live you can say, "You'll be home soon." Then try distraction. No matter what you do, it won't last. You'll go through this for some time, so pace yourself and leave graciously and with love when you feel that you can't do the whole routine any longer. This is a phase - longer than anyone would like - but it will pass.

Keep us up to date when you can,
Carol

I know this will not help. My husband also wanted to "go home" from the hospital and the rehab facility. We brought him home. This did NOT solve the problem as he regressed and we never knew what decade he was in. So he insisted that he "go home". Everyday, it was "I don't live here...I want to go home". Home could be where he was born, where he lived in the 40's, 50's or 60's. But THIS was NOT home to him. I finally told him that I bought the apartment in which we were living and said we are going to paint in the Spring. What colors do you think we should use? He chose light green and chatted about how nice it would look. He congratulated me on a good purchase. This helped for a few hours. He died in November, after nine months, still wanting to "go home". I promised him that he would and as he took his last breath...I whispered in his ear....Go home, honey. I will be OK. Precious moments along with the aggravating ones.

When I moved my mom to memory care, she couldn't understand why she had to be there and not go home. We simply (and repeatedly) told her that she had been sick and the doctor wanted her to stay here until she was cleared to go home. She always wanted to know when the doctor was coming to tell her she could go, and we would say "in a few days", which has been 4 months now.

We also found that if we took her out for a few hours, lunch or to get ice cream or just a drive, that made her feel better. But once we pulled back up in front of the memory care place she always wants to know what we are doing here and we would explain (again) that this was her apartment she was staying in until the doctor clears her. She would say I don't have an apartment here and we would say "yes mom you do, would you like to see it"? and she would happily go in, just to have a look. Once she was back in everyone greeted her and made a fuss over her, she felt comfortable, "everyone is so nice" she would say. When it was time to go, sometimes it was easy, we would say we have to go run an errand or go to work and we will be back later to see her. Other times not so easy, we had to get her distracted with the help of the aids and sneak out. Sometimes we left and felt like our hearts had been ripped out, but knew we had made the right decision, other times once we got in the car, my husband and I would look at each other and say" Hmmm, that was easy" Each time is different, but I will say that it has been 4 months in memory care and she has slowly adjusted, even though she still talks about going home and still packs up her stuff. She was in assisted living for 6 months before and that was a nightmare, but the memory care has been much better. She is also better taken care of. I think about her every moment I am not with her, wondering whether I have have done the right thing, feeling guilty that she can't live in her own home, or have the freedom to go and do the simplest thing that we all take for granted, but the sad reality is that she is sick and I can't fix her. I can only love her and make sure she has the best care.

This is the best article (I saw it given live) I have seen on asking to go home. We all want familarity. I grieve and pray for you and your loved one. Please take the time to read it. Gods love to you.

I use to have a list of conversation topics in my head to whip out when I would visit my dad. I would compile this list constantly. I'd see something in the news or hear something about someone he knew and I'd tuck it away for the next visit as a diversion. It could be something funny I heard that I thought he'd appreciate or news from the old neighborhood. Human interest stories I'd come across or my daughter's school activities. I'd be armed with all kinds of topics that I'd use to deflect questions my dad had that I couldn't answer. I'd walk out of the nursing home exhausted and immediately begin to compile another list for next time.

Plan your visit with an "out". I would try to visit about 30 minutes before they served dinner. This way, I would always walk with him to the dining hall to say goodbye. When he wanted to leave with him, I would tell him that his dinner was already paid for.. he would not want to waste that money.

Another option is the "What is wrong with your shoe?", or "How do I change the channel with this clicker?", or "What kind of flowers are on that dress she is wearing?"

And.. you can always explorer his "hope". "What is the first thing you will do when you go home?", "I might be able to work something out for you, give me a few days to see what I can do.", "Let me talk to your doctor and see if I can get him on board."

These are all things that worked for me. Nothing works all the time, that is why I go back to the first suggestion.. plan your visits with an out.

Good luck and hang on for the ride. You are not alone. :-)

I'm facing the same thing with BIL who has alcoholic dementia & currently in hospital with liver failure. Yesterday he came up with some pretty inventive schemes for me "to get him out." I'd pointed out that he had an alarm clipped to his nightclothes that would alert the nurses if I tried to kidnap him. His answer was to catch some mice in big boxes (which he'd pay me for), we'd then put the alarm clip on them and fool the nurses.
It is exhausting but I'm finding it easier for us both when I'm with him to enter his world rather than try to get him into ours. I do talk about things/people he knows and if he's happy to respond I build on that until he wonders. He knows for instance that he has 2 cats and I tell him little bits about them often repeating that they are fine. If he asks to come home with me, my answer is ok but first I need a cup of tea, toilet, rest why don't you have a little sleep first.
It's hard work and I don't know if he'll get over this bump and return to his home with support or end up in a nursing home. I'm sad and scared but as he still maintains 100% faith in my ability to do any/every thing I have to put on a brave face and cry when I'm alone (a lot of the time).
My empathy is with all on this journey.

I send you lots of empathy and, as I have said elsewhere,

KEEP VISITS SHORT.

After I have been with my mom for 30 minutes, she has no idea how long I have been there. I do stay longer mostly but my mom no longer asks this question. She just asks different questions repeatedly, and I try to answer as if it were the first time.

But I can only keep that up for so long. I kiss her and tell her I will see her tomorrow.

How long are you staying?

Well, if only ALL of us had big, jolly, loving families to keep our dear demented parents in!....It has been my experience when they get dementia they don't know their home from their offspring's home from the parking lot of the zoo. My own mother didn't know she was living in her own house and when she went to a nursing home, she loved it there. (Sitting alone in her house in a dirty diaper, with no big jolly family to look after her, just wasn't working out.) But reading here, I suppose she (and I) was one of the lucky ones, in a way. I have seen enough poor souls at that nursing home who put up a sad fight every day, never adjusting - but there is no alternative.

Try this tactic....yes, and.....and then ask different questions. Yes....and tell me about about your home or yes, and tell me about the flowers at your home, or yes, and it's getting a little chilly, maybe you need a sweater, or yes, and did I tell you....., it's a distraction and you're not telling them no, the word they hear so often where they are. It takes some work but you'll feel better and you'll make them happier too.