Trying to divert husband's request to go home. Any thoughts?

We have the same situation with Dad. He refers to "going home" on a daily basis. "Gotta' get my car and get my wife and go home to Ohio". He sold his car a few years back, Mom has been gone 10 years this month and they moved to FL in 1958 and stayed all of these years! He can't remember his address or even his street here where he's been for 14+ years, doesn't remember his previous address of 40+ years, but can absolutely remember the address of his childhood home. And that is where he insists that he needs to go. He has to find his Mom and Dad and his sisters and his dog . . . He's 90 now and they've all been gone for years, but he has no recollection of those events.
After a recent outing in which he was trying to direct us to his Ohio home, we re-directed him to a fast food restaurant and then headed for home (here). Upon our arrival, he was awed that we were able to get his house (from here) up to Ohio and then further amazed that we got our house (from here) up there also.
By the next day we were back to square one again. "Gotta get my car and get my wife and go home to Ohio".
And so it goes!
We've experienced a few wandering episodes over the last few years. but since we're in a rural area and our property is fenced and the gate is kept closed and locked, thankfully that is no longer an issue. And I will say that since hubby and I have retired we have more time to spend with Dad. But he still wants to "Go Home".

Calicare, Of course you are right that being "at home" is what most seniors want. It is sad that they often can't have their wish. But often the cost is too high to permit it. The cost in dollars, the cost in blood sweat and tears of the caregivers, and the risk "cost" to the elder.

And many of them don't recognize their last home. My husband, 71, diagnosed three years ago, doesn't recognize this house that we bought together 30 years ago. The only place that would feel like home to him would be the apartment that he moved out of 40+ years ago, and he would expect his father still to be there.

There will be some cases where people will be so stubborn that you can't distract them from what they want, they want what they want and that's that. Some people just can't be distracted or diverted from what they want, some people are just that stubborn and they won't take no for an answer. Be prepared to face those kinds of people because there are a few of them out there. I've actually discovered that some people with dementia and Alzheimer's have a higher capacity and capability, depending on the person. Something both are actually able to still make decisions until they get so bad off they can no longer make their own decisions or care for themselves. You just won't be able to divert or distract these kinds of people when they have their minds made up because some of them are so stubborn and sometimes even combative that they also happen to have a one track mind and you'll never convince them, so be prepared.

At one time we had a guy in our town who lived above his antique shop. He got beat up for trying to break up a bar fight, and he was attacked outside. He had severe injuries and no one thought he would survive. Lo and behold he survived but he was put in a local nursing home. I don't know to what extent his brain damage was from the beating, but he had to what extent his brain damage was from the beating, but there was enough damage he had to be placed in a nursing home. I don't know the whole situation, but I heard he wanted to come home so bad he walked out and all the way back into town before he was found. I don't know who found him, but he was almost home when he was spotted and captured. I don't know if he was taken returned to that exact facility, but I heard he was taken out of town and rehomed. They had to take him pretty far from his old home because he would've gone right back home. The funny thing is since he lived right above his store, he lived in the downtown area in a business zoned building. There would've been no breaking in where he lived, it was a pretty secure place. I'm actually surprised he didn't make it all the way home, he could've spent the night at his home where he wanted to be. There are some specific cases where I don't blame the person for going AWOL, good for them! However, there are other cases were the person just doesn't need to be out and about without supervision. What's good for one may not necessarily be good for another, each case is different

I know a tough old bird of 80 with vascular dementia, I think , who actually did walk out of her assisted living in a high rise building, just walked right out the door. Kept walking about 3 miles right thru the 'hood in her robe and slippers before they noticed and found her! She was 'going home', too, though she had been living at that AL fo 2-3 years and it was her home Just got it into her head to leave and go back to who knows where.

My mom, 82 with vascular dementia, has been in a NH since Jan 2015. Every time I visit, she wants to go home. Every time my dad visits, she wants to go home. She has come up with 'plans' to sneak out, outright insists that we need to take her home 'now'....after having read these other comments - I am totally with all of you....you just have to distract and redirect...sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...before we had to place her in the NH, she 'was' at home and still asked to 'go home'. I often think if I didn't love her so much, it would all be easier, but I think regardless of what, dementia is NOT an easy thing to deal with, live with, handle. Lately I just tell her that the doctor says we have to wait a few weeks yet, and then we'll see if she can go or not. That seems to be working for the moment. As her geriatrician has told us, the most important thing to do is keep the person calm. I talk to her a lot about 'what she'll do when she gets home'. And I ask her things about her childhood, etc., to distract her. Good luck, and know that I am thinking of you - I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. I am so thankful for this website - helps me to deal with things, knowing I'm not the only one that cries and gets overwhelmed. God bless everyone!

Just remembered an experience that may be helpful--
Some years ago, a brother-in-law of mine, about 37 yrs old, and a person who always had a very good memory, decided to go back to the "home town" he had moved from about 15 yrs previously. Told everybody, made a big deal about it.
30 days later he was back. "There weren't any freeways, and the place was full of strangers." I realized that when he said "back to my home town", what he really meant is that he wanted to go back 20 years in his life.
Older folks with dementias don't do well with change. They want to go back to a comfortable memory, which to them is "home."

I know this is off topic, but I wanted to wish everyone a great Memorial Day Weekend. In our town, we have a parade with Veterans, soldiers of past and present wars, a horse-drawn small version of a casket draped with an American flag, army boots and helmet. We also have a small troop of Civil War re-enactment volunteers with a cannon that they shoot three times in honor of the veterans from all over. The high-school band marches and provides the songs: Hymn to the Fallen, Battle Hymn of the Republic and usually America the Beautiful. Two of the students play taps on their trumpets. Our son is on the Fire/EMS squad and is a member of the color guard from the fire department that marches with flags, etc. It is a very meaningful parade (sad too) as we remember our own family members lost in wars tragedies and ALL who have fought for our freedom. God bless all and stay safe this holiday weekend.

Hi everyone! These are all such good points. Maybe we should start a NF where everyone with Dementia, Alzheimer's, and other debilitating diseases could be cared for and treated with respect and PATIENCE! There would probably be less stress and would help the caregivers as well. Thank you all for sharing.

Very good point!! They so often get treated as unruly kids,letting them assert themselves (verbally,at least) without always telling them "No", makes them retain their adulthood/pride.

Try this tactic....yes, and.....and then ask different questions. Yes....and tell me about about your home or yes, and tell me about the flowers at your home, or yes, and it's getting a little chilly, maybe you need a sweater, or yes, and did I tell you....., it's a distraction and you're not telling them no, the word they hear so often where they are. It takes some work but you'll feel better and you'll make them happier too.

My mom asks the same. I tell her when the Dr signs the release, then move on to another subject. She has been in memory care 3 years, the subject is not brought up af every visit anymore.

It is hard but hang in there, many hugs!!

I know!! Both my beloved grandmother and her son,my Dad, continually told everyone, "the minute I'm senile, I don't want to be a burden, please put me in a clean,nice nursing home!!" When the actual time came,of course, wild horses couldn't drag either of them to go to a nursing home.I don't blame them---they won't take me alive (especially after the last year and a half of dealing with the elder care/medical bureaucracy).I was completely happy to reminisce with Dad about the Marine Corps of the 1950's or courtship days with my late Mom (very happy to think of them together now,young and strong and in love).My squeamish sister kept trying to force him to orient himself to the present,frustrating both of them terribly.It didn't help him and it made her sad and want to flee him.Dad and I meandered along in 1950's-60's America,as happy as two clams.We watched his favorite T.V. shows and ate at IHOP.Time is coming for us all and let's hope we earned a measure of grace.Sharing this experience,after the fact,with all my fellow travelers is helping me to "process" the experience---it was too bewildering,stressful and on-the-fly in real time: I appreciate all of you and am pulling for us,everyone (? Little Tim of elder care!) ERIN

Hi erinwright: I just thought of something funny about my mom (before she had any signs dementia) while I was reading your post. She used to tell me "if I get so that I don't know what I'm saying or doing, just put me out of my misery, you know when they put animals to sleep?" She used to laugh about it, but when her doctor told me she could no longer live alone and needed 24/7 care, she didn't remember that at all. She didn't remember much at that time except for the memories of her own childhood. We went down "memory lane" a lot of the time, but it was o.k. because it was better than trying to bring her into the present day and having her be frustrated. We all get there eventually. I liked what you said about making it up as we go along -- we sure do, and it's always a learning experience as well. Thanks for sharing.

With all the love and care in the world,keeping a parent with dementia in their or your home may be simply infeasible.My Dad ran the gamut of AL,nursing facilities and a beautiful Memory Care facility: he hated all of them,hated being institutionalized.What he really wanted was to be 45 yo and in complete command of his faculties---he knew his mind was unreliable and kept telling me he knew he was "stupid".Luckily,Dad was good with money and investing and had the money to be able to afford a luxury, handicapped apartment and round-the-clock sitters.His Medicare and gap insurance paid for Home Health and hospice,medical supplies, etc.Nobody in this situation is prepared for the absolutely right way to achieve optimal outcomes: we make it up as we go along and maybe help each other with our experience and supporting whatever experience their having,no judgement.We second guess ourselves enough! Our mortality is fast approaching,too.Millenials will probably vote to put us to sleep when we become unwieldy!

LindaSusan: I did and was blessed. Thank you.

Seems you had a wonderful mother who gave you wonderful memories!

LindaSusan: When my mom used to tell me she wanted to go home, as I have mentioned before on this site, my mom thought her home was the one where she grew up. She would tell me she liked her own bed better. The staff at the NF tried to make her bed as comfortable as possible (even put an egg crate mattress on it), but she was so frail that her body was just achy all the time. She was like a fragile china doll with almost translucent skin. They were so accommodating to her and I was grateful. Still she always wanted to go home. When I showed her pictures, she recognized her family from when she was a little girl, but not the ones at the present time. I enjoyed being with her in her past, and it was time we spent together that wasn't frustrating as much to her. Thank you so much for your input. Even after 3-1/2 years, it seems like yesterday, and brings tears to my eyes to think of her in such a frail state. I miss her very much, but I try to focus on the good times we had, and all the things she did for me when I was growing up - it helps divert my mind from when she was so sick.

Does anyone ask the person what home they want to go to? Maybe old pictures of the home and/or family would help?

Lassie: Thank you for your post. My mom was in a nursing facility because she could no longer live with us (too many stairs), and could not live alone. She was in a wheelchair (thought she could walk, dress herself, etc.). She could in her mind and in her mind, her home was where she grew up. I visited her wherever she was in the moment. It was so difficult to see her wasting away, then having a massive stroke and being paralyzed on her whole right side. I would have loved to keep her either in her own home or ours, but it was not possible given her physical and mind-set at the time. She didn't have an alternative, but she had fantastic care, and the love and support of her family. You and your mom were lucky and blessed to have what you had, and I was blessed to know that my mom was so well cared for and loved. Thank you for sharing.

Well, if only ALL of us had big, jolly, loving families to keep our dear demented parents in!....It has been my experience when they get dementia they don't know their home from their offspring's home from the parking lot of the zoo. My own mother didn't know she was living in her own house and when she went to a nursing home, she loved it there. (Sitting alone in her house in a dirty diaper, with no big jolly family to look after her, just wasn't working out.) But reading here, I suppose she (and I) was one of the lucky ones, in a way. I have seen enough poor souls at that nursing home who put up a sad fight every day, never adjusting - but there is no alternative.

Centralmassach1 - I don't worry about what will happen to me because my mortality is fast approaching. I can say from experience that from a patients point of view....being exposed to other people with dementia just drives home the fact that the person has dementia themself. I believe that many of the elderly with dementia are very aware that others see them as old, and crazy. Surrounding them with more people in the same condition is painfully awakening for them. Wanting to go "home" may also be your loved ones way of saying that he wants to be with his family, and not strangers that he knows are also being surrounded by him because their families and doctors think they also belong with other old people that have dementia. There are many levels and extremes of dementia. If given a choice to remain at home, and with family during this devastating time, I believe virtually all of the elderly would prefer to remain in their home, and close to family. They have such little dignity left. Remaining in the home is really the last thing they have after the effects of dementia ravage their already frail existence.its not my cross to bear, and I do t walk in your shoes. I'm just giving my input like everyone else in this forum. Just because I write it doesn't mean you have to accept it. Everybody has their own .2 cents and are always willing to put it in.

This is so true. A person with dementia may want to go home, but when they arrive, they are confused and still say they want to go home. Their description of this home may or may not be what you think it is.

Even if you found the old homeplace that they have in their mind from childhood, once they arrived, it might upset them, since the building may be in ashes and neglected.

Your home may not be what they expect either. That might be upsetting to them. And of course, that might not be the place they recall after all. So, you then return them to the Memory Care and they are disoriented and confused. So, I'd be aware of what potentially could happen if the person with the dementia is allowed to make their own decisions. I discovered this with my loved one by taking her out of her Memory Care for visits.

Calicaregiver: what if the "home" he wants to go to is his childhood home? Alzheimers patients typically lose memory in the opposite order that it was formed.

Calicaregiver: I can't help but wonder what it will be like when you age. If you are fortunate enough to have your health, no medical issues (dementia, etc.), that would be great for you. You will also be old someday--remember, age doesn't discriminate! Dementia and Alzheimer's, and a host of other horrible diseases are traumatic for the families and their loved ones. They are not a "bunch of other old crazy people"!! So sorry for you that you feel this way.

Just leave me alone and let me die, I would prefer "going home to Heaven" than to go through this nonsense.

Nashville,Tennessee until I moved back to Texas,to Dad's lakehouse, to take care of him.I'm at a crossroads about whether to go back to Nashville or stay in my native Texas---my turn on the end of life merry-go-'round is rapidly approaching!

Your his wife, and he has other family members....why can't he go home? Is it possible to hire professional caregivers to assist you at home? My employer has dementia, and she took care of her legal matters to ensure she would remain in her home prior to the dementia getting really bad. If you can afford it, bring him home. Nobody wants to die in a hospital with a bunch of other old crazy people. He needs the love, and support of his wife, and family. It's heart-breaking, and professional caregivers couldn't cost more than what your probably paying now to keep him in a home. Good luck. The poor man. 😔

That is so lovely.

May I ask where you are? California? New York? Mississippi?

He died January 25,2016 and I was in his recliner,beside his bed---just us,his sitter in the living room. I called hospice and they sent his nurses to pronounce.I had prepaid a funeral home and they sent an attendant to take him to their facility. It was calm and free of all the medical drama/trauma.Dad wanted a private death and I heard and shared his last breath.I've worked in the medical field---cardiac monitor tech---for 37 years.This was a beautiful,peaceful death.Hospice nurses had all the equipment to forestall pain or distress and they were on 24hr call if I felt I needed them---we didn't.One of the things Dad hated was being muscled into an ambulance and being forced into going to the hospital---he always,always wanted autonomy above anything and Alzheimers robbed him of so much,but he got to die exactly as he wanted: in his bed,with someone who deeply loved him,beside him.After being on the patient's side of the desk,at a number of facilities,I noticed how much the convenience of the staff/facilities impacted the care given to the patient,regardless of the patient's wishes---especially patients with dementia.The one time they dragged him to the hospital for a recurrent low blood sugar and couldn't be at his bedside,they ran an incredible battery of unnecessary and duplicate tests that my non-medical sister okayed inadvertently by authorizing "do whatever you think is necessary". Blank check! His death had none of that---just as he wanted.I am proud I was able to think outside my indoctrinated medical box and I had massive help from my loving sitters,Home Health and hospice. Good luck to you and God bless, Erin

Thank you. Good example of thinking outside of the box!

May I ask where you are/he is?