Trying to divert husband's request to go home. Any thoughts?

I use to have a list of conversation topics in my head to whip out when I would visit my dad. I would compile this list constantly. I'd see something in the news or hear something about someone he knew and I'd tuck it away for the next visit as a diversion. It could be something funny I heard that I thought he'd appreciate or news from the old neighborhood. Human interest stories I'd come across or my daughter's school activities. I'd be armed with all kinds of topics that I'd use to deflect questions my dad had that I couldn't answer. I'd walk out of the nursing home exhausted and immediately begin to compile another list for next time.

P.S. My dad didn't have classic dementia. He had dementia related to liver failure.

This is the best article (I saw it given live) I have seen on asking to go home. We all want familarity. I grieve and pray for you and your loved one. Please take the time to read it. Gods love to you.

I'm facing the same thing with BIL who has alcoholic dementia & currently in hospital with liver failure. Yesterday he came up with some pretty inventive schemes for me "to get him out." I'd pointed out that he had an alarm clipped to his nightclothes that would alert the nurses if I tried to kidnap him. His answer was to catch some mice in big boxes (which he'd pay me for), we'd then put the alarm clip on them and fool the nurses.
It is exhausting but I'm finding it easier for us both when I'm with him to enter his world rather than try to get him into ours. I do talk about things/people he knows and if he's happy to respond I build on that until he wonders. He knows for instance that he has 2 cats and I tell him little bits about them often repeating that they are fine. If he asks to come home with me, my answer is ok but first I need a cup of tea, toilet, rest why don't you have a little sleep first.
It's hard work and I don't know if he'll get over this bump and return to his home with support or end up in a nursing home. I'm sad and scared but as he still maintains 100% faith in my ability to do any/every thing I have to put on a brave face and cry when I'm alone (a lot of the time).
My empathy is with all on this journey.

Detuchka, Thank you so much for this link it was really helpful in reminding me that I am right to try to find my BIL where he is now and not where I expect him to be (in his mind).
I found the analogy of the musician with a broken instrument so helpful.
I will retune my ears to the new music my BIL plays even as I grieve for the old tunes. As the strings continue to snap I will try to reach him with new tunes mixed with the old.
Remembering with joy that the heartbreak is all mine, he does not truly comprehend what is lost and what he is losing that's my job. As long as he feels safe and happy that is what matters. Living in this moment only no past, no future just now!

My Father was in a Senior group home we was able to make his bedroom more like home his own tv so he can watch what he liked and we were aloud to have animals visit .he always thought it was temporary place that he was getting physicaltherapy but i know the aides would tell him this was his home buy never remember they told him the next day I knew he was in a good place they would take him out to kitchen or livingroom and outside if he wants too I came to visit everyday except some times I had something to do he would ask about his house and his yard I reassured him everyday it was taking care of :( he just always thought he was in therapy it would Be too hard for me to take care of him at home 24 Hours a day you just have to find thing's to say in the times you are with him

My mother begs to come home, but I just keep reminding her that the doctor says she needs 24 hr supervision and I have to work. I actually realized yesterday that she is never going to stop asking.

No the patient will get use to this new place. I tell my mom this is her home now. She is in nursing home private room. I put things in there just like her old apt. Mom stopped asking after a while, to something else.

He will continue to ask. It is heartbreaking, but there is nothing you can say that will keep him from asking. My husband kept asking, even though he once said, "I live here now." Months later, he said, "If I can't go home, I want to die." He died two weeks later. If I had taken him home, I, who then 83, would have been the one to die first.

I send you lots of empathy and, as I have said elsewhere,

KEEP VISITS SHORT.

After I have been with my mom for 30 minutes, she has no idea how long I have been there. I do stay longer mostly but my mom no longer asks this question. She just asks different questions repeatedly, and I try to answer as if it were the first time.

But I can only keep that up for so long. I kiss her and tell her I will see her tomorrow.

How long are you staying?

The basic need for what is familiar and feels safe seems to be behind the need to "go home.". However, often rather than explaining to people why they live where they now live you can say, "You'll be home soon." Then try distraction. No matter what you do, it won't last. You'll go through this for some time, so pace yourself and leave graciously and with love when you feel that you can't do the whole routine any longer. This is a phase - longer than anyone would like - but it will pass.

Keep us up to date when you can,
Carol

My 91-year-old dad (Parkinsons, mild cognitive impairment, depression) has good days and bad days since we moved him to AL three months ago. Stepmom--"not ready" for AL--is living at home and visiting frequently, but he apparently asks constantly about going home to the house he 'built'. He kinda understands we cannot afford full home healthcare (he's almost broke, but he's got longterm care insurance to cover most of the AL costs). She seems to think it might be useful to take him to visit the house, but others have suggested this might cause more harm than good; I'm worried he'll sit in his favorite chair and refuse to return to AL. I'm in Michigan, he's in Massachusetts, and I'm kinda dreading the planned visit in a couple of weeks.

I think Salisbury had some good advice. When my aunt, who I was caregiving for, was in a nursing home for nearly 3 years, she asked that question much more in the beginning and not so much at the end but she never stopped. I'm sorry but I think that's a good realization. Rationalization doesn't help much, I found. Not only did I tell her she was safer there, her psychologist would point out at home she had fallen and broken her eye socket. She refused to believe she had ever fallen at all and certainly never broke anything. Once she relented that IF she did fall it was only because my brother-in-law pushed her, which of course was not what happened all needless to say! Distractions are necessary. I sometimes came armed with distractions. Pastries from her native country, photos, news clippings. I think in retrospect I should have kept the visits short and there would have been less problems. I had to visit her in a neighboring state though so the trouble it took to travel made short visits seem silly so I used to visit less frequently but for long visits. Good luck, it is one of the many challenges of dementia and caregiving.

Plan your visit with an "out". I would try to visit about 30 minutes before they served dinner. This way, I would always walk with him to the dining hall to say goodbye. When he wanted to leave with him, I would tell him that his dinner was already paid for.. he would not want to waste that money.

Another option is the "What is wrong with your shoe?", or "How do I change the channel with this clicker?", or "What kind of flowers are on that dress she is wearing?"

And.. you can always explorer his "hope". "What is the first thing you will do when you go home?", "I might be able to work something out for you, give me a few days to see what I can do.", "Let me talk to your doctor and see if I can get him on board."

These are all things that worked for me. Nothing works all the time, that is why I go back to the first suggestion.. plan your visits with an out.

Good luck and hang on for the ride. You are not alone. :-)

I have an adult special needs daughter with the same situation of asking same question over and over..I use to try to explain, divert etc, and now I will just look at her and she knows not to ask again or I just say NO..or YES it's slowly working.

AdamBravo, I took my dad (with Lewy Body Dementia) back to his house against everyone's warnings.

During his visit, his mind kept telling him he needed to "do" things.. like he was trying to tell himself that everything was the way it used to be.. he was trying to figure out what errands he needed to run, he need to fix a plumbing problem.. and then we found a copperhead on his property that he wanted to protect us from. :-(

In hindsight, I absolutely should have listened to them. All it did is disorient him. After he returned from his visit, he was totally lost. He never quite recovered from that visit.

If your dad is in a familiar environment now, (IMHO and experience) Let him enjoy the grounding he still has.

When I moved my mom to memory care, she couldn't understand why she had to be there and not go home. We simply (and repeatedly) told her that she had been sick and the doctor wanted her to stay here until she was cleared to go home. She always wanted to know when the doctor was coming to tell her she could go, and we would say "in a few days", which has been 4 months now.

We also found that if we took her out for a few hours, lunch or to get ice cream or just a drive, that made her feel better. But once we pulled back up in front of the memory care place she always wants to know what we are doing here and we would explain (again) that this was her apartment she was staying in until the doctor clears her. She would say I don't have an apartment here and we would say "yes mom you do, would you like to see it"? and she would happily go in, just to have a look. Once she was back in everyone greeted her and made a fuss over her, she felt comfortable, "everyone is so nice" she would say. When it was time to go, sometimes it was easy, we would say we have to go run an errand or go to work and we will be back later to see her. Other times not so easy, we had to get her distracted with the help of the aids and sneak out. Sometimes we left and felt like our hearts had been ripped out, but knew we had made the right decision, other times once we got in the car, my husband and I would look at each other and say" Hmmm, that was easy" Each time is different, but I will say that it has been 4 months in memory care and she has slowly adjusted, even though she still talks about going home and still packs up her stuff. She was in assisted living for 6 months before and that was a nightmare, but the memory care has been much better. She is also better taken care of. I think about her every moment I am not with her, wondering whether I have have done the right thing, feeling guilty that she can't live in her own home, or have the freedom to go and do the simplest thing that we all take for granted, but the sad reality is that she is sick and I can't fix her. I can only love her and make sure she has the best care.

After a few years in assisted living my mom started asking about going home. Since she had not asked during the early years, I finally realized that this was the result of her worsening dementia, and was her way of trying to make sense of her situation. She could no longer remember why she had moved to assisted living, and saw no reason to be there. She is now in memory care and asks constantly about going home. The best response I have found is to say that I am making some calls to find her a place to live. Sometimes she asks "Why can't I just go back to my house? Did you sell my house?" She and dad sold their last house in 2005, but sometimes she is talking about one of the other houses they lived in, some as many as 60 years ago. Of course, she will ask again in a few minutes because she does not remember my answer. She is difficult to distract since her attention span is extremely limited. Like others have said, I find it best to give whatever answer seems to temporarily satisfy her and keep the visits short. I don't think she will stop asking about going home until her dementia progresses to the point that she doesn't know that she ever lived elsewhere.

My mom also does this and I do tell her it will be soon. But to add to the question. Is it wise to take her out for lunch or does this make things worse as far as her asking about moving home? Any thoughts?

OOPS! I just saw the other above posts. Thanks for sharing and answering this question I had!

Weeone, I would just try different things and see what works the best. I tried many things, but ended up with saying that the doctor was monitoring her progress and that when the time was right, she'd come home. Later, I'd say, the paperwork was being prepared and it would be any day. (It doesn't matter, because she will forget that I told her that in 5 minutes.) I'd then say, "What a lovely blouse you have on. Let's walk over to the patio." Later, when she'd ask, I'd say the same thing, Over and over. Eventually, that phase passed for her.

1lovingmom, as to your question about taking her out for lunch. It depends on the individual and that might work for some, but my cousin gets disoriented when she leaves the Memory Care Unit. If she's gone for more than a few minutes, she is confused when she gets back. She gets anxious and I have to show her around, take her to her room and assure her where she is. I won't be doing that again. I take her meals/snacks to the unit and we have our party there.

It's really sad what you feel, but do realize it's a deteriorating brain stuck on a loop, repeating itself. That one thought, over and over, like a broken record. As soon as you leave, he forgets he wants to 'go home'. I don't get any talk from my mother about going home, thankfully, but I bring a stuffed animal or a magazine and give it to her just before I leave, to distract her. That might work for you. Realize it's not a serious request for you to take him home, it's a stuck record. Even if you did 'take him home' he would wonder 'where he was, what this strange place was'!

How long has he been in care? When my mom got moved to a group home they asked me to stay away three weeks to give her time to adjust. She backslid a coupe times but eventually she sort of got used to being in the home. As for distractions, would bringing a photo album help? A game? Some activity that's relaxing and distracting? I usually bring a deck of cards or a travel Yahtzee and it takes some thoughts off my mom wanting to go back to her place. Doesn't always work, but when it does, it takes the stress off her and off myself.

Don't try to explain anything to a person with dementia. Say you will see about going home later...leave it at that, and then turn your attention to something else. He clearly hasn't gotten out of the need to be home, so have photos to help reassure him it is still standing (even if you might have sold it). Do the best you can, and this asking will end soon...

One thing to ask yourself is if you really made the right decision to put him into nursing care. I would use this particular problem as an opportunity to reflect to see if he really belongs in independent (but assisted living). It may be that he doesn't really belong in a nursing home so much as assisted-living. He may be one of the higher functioning people in the facility for all we know, I would get him reevaluated and consider assisted-living in a senior apartment building

I know this will not help. My husband also wanted to "go home" from the hospital and the rehab facility. We brought him home. This did NOT solve the problem as he regressed and we never knew what decade he was in. So he insisted that he "go home". Everyday, it was "I don't live here...I want to go home". Home could be where he was born, where he lived in the 40's, 50's or 60's. But THIS was NOT home to him. I finally told him that I bought the apartment in which we were living and said we are going to paint in the Spring. What colors do you think we should use? He chose light green and chatted about how nice it would look. He congratulated me on a good purchase. This helped for a few hours. He died in November, after nine months, still wanting to "go home". I promised him that he would and as he took his last breath...I whispered in his ear....Go home, honey. I will be OK. Precious moments along with the aggravating ones.

Detuchka, I don't see a link for article. Can you repost it. My mom lives with me and everyday she wants to call for her kids to come pick her up. I would call my brother at same time everyday after work and he would tell her ok, I'm coming tomorrow to pick you up. It worked for a while but then it stopped working. She started telling him, no, I want to go now. It get's really hard when she asks to call my brothers and I can't because they are at work and she wants to call every 10 minutes. She cries and gets mad at me, saying why don't I want to help her, that we used to get along and now I hate her. Ughhh! This is so exhausting!

Many thanks to all of you for your responses. You have given me several ideas which had not occurred to me.

I meant to mention that if he does not have any real serious memory issues, he may be one of the higher functioning patients if this is happening in a nursing facility. If this turns out to be the case, no amount of effort will work to divert the person's desire to go home if they still know what they want, and you'll probably get nowhere with him because he'll become even more stubborn. In some cases people don't always belong in nursing care. I saw such a case with a bitter old lady really didn't want to be at the facility and she was very angry. I could sense she was a very high functioning individual and I'm not sure what situation landed her in that particular home, but I could sense she probably didn't belong there. I was visiting someone at the home when I came across her, she was sitting in her room reading when I simply said hello in passing. This is how I found out about her when she copped an attitude over a simple hello. I was too young to understand the situation, but as I get older things start coming together and I'm realizing more and more. This is how I can warn you that patients should be very carefully screened and evaluated before considering a nursing home because not all patients along in a nursing home as they would assisted-living that still gives them independence.

Detuchka, repost that link but spell out the word "dot", and then it will be allowed to remain. Or tell us what to google to find it.

EG, agingcare dot com. or the name of the speaker and the title of the talk. It sounds good! I want to see it!