My father is mid 40's. I have been caring for him for the past 4 years off of my income. I don't mind supporting him financially but he is very controlling because he has mysophobia contamination OCD. He cannot do many things on his own. He feels uncomfortable with many things and it inconveniences my life greatly. I do not have friends, contact with outer family is limited (due to him not being okay with their germs), and I do not have much of a life. I want to live my life but I love my father and I don't want to abandon him. He feels like I am abandoning him when I said I wanted to move out. He has his reign over the house and me because of the germaphobe OCD, even though I pay for everything I feel like a hostage in my house. I don't want to abandon my father, I just want to live a normal life. I am praying for the right decision. I just wanted to know others opinion and advice. Thanks.

He does not work? Does he get Social Security Disability? Has he been formally diagnoised with his problem. You are going to need to get your ducks in a row before you can leave.

First make an appointment with your Social Service Dept. They can give you some help. Maybe for now he can get Supplimental insurance (SSI) with this u get Medicaid for health. Office of Aging maybe able to help u with some resources. Maybe he can get Social Security disability. That comes with Medicare and Medicaid.

Then you take little steps. Your Dad can be left alone, right! As someone said on this forum, you are not so much enabling him you are disabling him. He has to do for himself what he can do for himself. You will need to set boundries. You are entitled to go out with friends. Go out after work with fellow employees. Take courses. Start doing these things maybe once a week, working into more often. Dad does not need a babysitter. He needs boundries. Maybe if u can set some, he will not rely on you as much.

There is a book that has been mentioned on this forum, "Boundries by Townsend and Cloud?. I think I got the authors right. If not, someone will give u the correct names. Its suppose to be a good book.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Of course you love your dad. I’m sorry that he feels like you are abandoning him. You aren’t doing that. You deserve to live your own life.

He doesn’t need a daughter being there all of the time. He needs a competent psychiatrist to help him find solutions to his severe condition.

You shouldn’t be supporting your dad. These are your building years to establish your own future.

The most productive action that you can take to help your dad is to assist him by helping him to find the proper help.

Has he seen a psychiatrist recently? If so, what did they recommend to him?

Best wishes to you and your dad. Start making a plan for others to help your dad and then do something very nice for yourself. You deserve it!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

I love you dearly dad but it's time for me to start my own life now.
Save yourself, my friend. You're allowed to live a normal life and still love your father. This germophobic OCD is HIS issue, not yours. You can't fix him, nor should you be funding HIS life. People have all sorts of psychiatric issues they choose to get treatment for and they don't drag their children into the chaos WITH them. Parents should want a better life for their children than they have.....thats what good healthy parenting is all about. Don't allow yourself to be held emotionally hostage any longer by an ill deserve more.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1

Unquestionably yes. Soon.
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Reply to ZippyZee

You’re not doing either of you any favors. You’re enabling your father and he’s controlling you. Please move out, stop being manipulated by misplaced guilt, and get on with your life. Geaton’s advice is spot on. Don’t explain or try to justify yourself to your father, it’s the normal course that adult children fly the nest and move on. That he doesn’t want this for you is very wrong of him
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Reply to Daughterof1930

I think he has something else going on more than just germ-phobia if he's trying to manipulate and guilt you into staying. Moving out will help your father, he just can't see that yet. You are enabling him and he won't see any need to change while you are his buffer. If he's only in his 40s then you must be barely 20s... You must go live your life no matter what your father thinks. No "healthy" parent thinks their offspring should never leave the nest. You can prepare him for your departure by getting him on the radar of social services, SSDI, food stamps, section 8 housing, whatever is available -- but there'll never be a "perfect" time to leave so you just will need to pick a date (like in 30 days) and go. He needs therapy and you're not it. He's a fully grown man and needs to see a reason to get his own s**t together. Moving onward and upward does not make you a bad or unloving son. It makes you normal. Maybe get some therapy for yourself to help you work through it and build defenses against his guilting pressures. The right, best, and moral decision is to move out. Blessings!
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Reply to Geaton777

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