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Two over 80 parents living independently are considering having their unmarried son move in with them. He's unemployed and they need in-home assistance. What issues should the aging parents consider?

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Not a good idea. Son may see this as a lifesaver, but they’ll require more and more care, and he will lose having a life of his own. “I want to live with my declining elderly parents” said no normal healthy independent man ever.

And when he tires of their poop, anger, complaining and resentment, what will they all do then? They’ll all be stuck. Read some of the posts on this site. Then deep-six the idea of this guy moving in and help them find a nice assisted living facility.
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Reply to Fawnby
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The son is unemployed is what I read.

Why he is unemployed and unmarried should be considered just like any other potential employee.

An unemployed person pre retirement needs to be working a job that allows him to save for his own retirement and pay into his own SS. He needs health insurance. if he doesn’t have these things he becomes a dependent on the parents and a extra burden for any other family trying to help the parents out. Most parents will have a difficult time asking a child to leave if things aren’t working out. It is very hard to be a caregiver and not live with the parents. Even harder when they do all live together. Being broke and needy doesn’t make caregiving fun. Being in need of help at home doesn’t make the son the ideal candidate.

He needs a way to provide for his own transportation and the ability to have a social life. Does he arrive broke, totally dependent with health issues or does he have a home and savings? Would he have to be evicted should things go south? Would he be looking for a wife who might happen to have children and they all move in and put the 80 year olds in the basement?

What happens if he mismanage their funds that might be adequate for their lifestyle but won’t last long with a case of beer and cartons of cigs and snacks added to the grocery list?
Do they live in an extreme climate but disagree on the thermostat setting? What about pets?

If there are siblings then they need to be considered. How the siblings get along will affect the parents and will influence visitation. It can result in less overall care/socialization of parents and make the grandchildren not want to visit if uncle is not a friendly sort.

A care contract clearly outlining the responsibilities of each party should be utilized and adjusted as needed. The parents should be able to expect certain benefits of having a live in under various conditions. Ditto the son shouldn’t be expected to do more than is reasonable. What would the son consider a deal breaker? How about the parents?

As an example. Son gets a job, working and not doing caregiving, he needs to pay a portion of expenses to help pay for the help that will need to be hired or he needs to move out.

Son is not working, he needs to be paid for the work he does.

There are so many issues depending on the individuals and who else might influence the son or the parents that can cause friction.

Ideally a regular family meeting with everyone participating would be helpful.

Is the son a good housekeeper, keep a tidy lawn, know how to cook, do laundry, known for his patience? Willing to learn about health issues. Yikes. There is so much to consider. But it could all work out and be a great solution for all three.

Burn out can happen really soon for some family caregivers and it’s a real problem that can’t be ignored.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Bulldog54321 May 31, 2025
Excellent point about how he needs to pay into SS and into a retirement account. I don’t know his health insurance situation. All of these are important considerations
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Good points raised so far. I would add — what if any of the three decide the arrangement is no longer working? If one or both parents don’t find the son is doing the job the way they expected or imagined?what if they don’t like his cooking, or one has or gets dementia and starts accusing him of stealing their money? It can be very stressful.

Or what if the son decides it’s too much, or he starts dating someone who wants to spend evenings and weekends with him and not his parents? What if he gets a full time job? Is he giving up his current residence and all his possessions in order to move in with them? What if it doesn’t work out? You don’t say how old the son is, but I’m guessing 40-65. What about his own retirement savings and future employability? Is this an issue? What about health insurance for him? What if he gets sick, or wants to go on vacation? Bear in mind one or both parents could live 10 or more additional years.

You say the parents are considering this, but what is the son’s feeling about this possibility? What does he want for his own life?
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Reply to Suzy23
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Is he going to be able to handle helping your mother out with bathing , bathroom ,and personal Needs? Alot of people don't think about that at the time. Unfortunately with elderly people, it's only going to get harder, and be more work. And it can change at any time! The lady I take care of went into the hospital last year walking, talking, etc, 10 days later came out totally bedridden! I have to change her diapers, bathe her, literally do everything for her.
Are they able to stay alone when he needs to go to the grocery store? Or he has somewhere to go? Is he in good health? He has to rememeber it is a 24 7 job! No going anywhere! Unless you have someone you trust that can stay there with them that knows what their doing . And what will he do to pay for personal items for himself ? Like clothing, food. Or is he depending on them to finance all of that?
What about dr appts? Will he be able to load them both in the car when one has a appt? Does he have a car? Or do they?
He just needs to understand that things change DAILY. BUT tje main question is will he be able to handle doing "personal " things for your mom? Because even if their still walking on their own, l they will still need help in the bathroom, wiping poop and cleaning her personal parts, alot of men are comfortable with that ya know . ? Honestly if he's only doing it because he doesn't have a job , in my opinion, that's not a good idea, you need someone there who knows what their in for, because TRUST ME Caregiving is hard physically and emotionally. Because it always ends up ending sadly also. Ya know . But I wouldn't trade it for the world . Bit I know God put me on this earth to do this. Its my purpose. Can he say the same? Just something to think about . Good luck!
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Reply to Biggbrowneyes
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I agree with Fawnby.
Often, in situations like this one is dealing with mutual NEEDS.
Son isn't working, needs a job and a home. Parents are aging and need help. Initially that can sound like a great tradeoff. Son gives care parents need and parents supply room and board.

However, it is difficult to live with others. Whether as a caregiver, a spouse, a sibling, a parent or a child or a roommate, living with others is fraught with compromising when problems arise. And in the case of aging parents, they WILL arise, more and more and more.

We often see children who do this, end up with both parents so in need of several shifts of workers with several workers on each shift, and because the assets are quickly used up they go onto medicaid which after their deaths does recovery on the home the caregiving child was thinking to be able to continue to live in.

It takes a lifetime of good jobs, hard saving and good luck to save enough for your own care in future. I highly advise against your moving in to do care you may well discover quickly you aren't qualified, and do not wish to do for several decades of time.

If you do choose to do this, be certain to see, with your parents and elder law attorney. There discuss shared living cost and expenses, payment; expectations of privacy and hired help to assist, reassessment on a regular basis of whether this arrangement is working for ALL INVOLVED and the understanding that when it doesn't work for ONE it is over for all. Get all the wills and paperwork for POA, your understand of how to do that fiduciary duty with good record keeping.

Cross all the Ts and dot all the Is and you may stand some chance if caring for elders is something you truly love to do, and if you were born with the patience of Job.
Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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It’s not going to work. It takes 3 adults to give care to one adult. He has no training. Once it hits the fan where diapers come into play, etc, he isn’t going to do that.

It’s setting everyone up for failure when they expect one person to do the work of 6 people.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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set it up through a lawyer. Get all the ifs, ands, or buts ironed out before anyone moves in with anyone else.
Insurance. Payments. Wills. POA. Contracts for time off.
What happens if the parents are being taken advantage of...what happens if the son is being taken advantage of...what happens if there is a sudden medical change for any of the parties. The son can become disabled. The parents can become disabled. Criminal status? Debt status?
It's about 6 months of talking and debating while getting it all finished with financial, medical, and legal representatives.
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Reply to Cashew
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My neighbor moved in with his parents about 10 years ago amid a divorce that ended in a dv charge. Blaming his record, he has not attempted to work since.

And until recently, it worked just fine. He went fishing when he felt like it. He has a girlfriend who sometimes stays there. The parents were mobile.

Late last year, mom had a stroke and died. A few months later, the smell from dads feet became to gangrenous to ignore. Dad got admitted and they amputated his leg past the knee. Dad’s now in rehab.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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If the son is able and willing to provide the assistance they need, it can be a win for everyone.
The parents should consider creating a contractual agreement indicating the payment to the caregiver son, and what cares are to be provided. There should be stipulations for future concerns, as they arise.

If the parents qualify financially, they can get help from medicaid, which will pay the family member for services.

All expenses should be documented. It wouldn't hurt to get an accountant or bookkeeper involved to track expenses and payment for services.

In this case, an assigned fiduciary sounds like a good idea, because the unemployed son, and I'm assuming homeless(?) could take advantage and abuse these elders financially, or otherwise. Wouldn't hurt to have a third party in place as a double check.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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In addition to all the below, please have in writing, an exit strategy. For instance, what happens if he gets a job, do you still have the same expectations of him than if he didn't have a job and stayed in your house?

Who will be paying his medical insurance or his medical bills while he is unemployed? What happens if he is employed, but minimally? What happens if his behavior is not acceptable to you or puts you into danger?

What happens if he ends up in the hospital? Who will take care of you then? Who will take care of him?

What happens if one of you ends up in a rehab hospital or a regular hospital while the other one is still at home ? What are your expectations to each of you, his parents, during this time, while you, the parents, are apart?

What happens if one of you wants to go to assisted living and the other one doesn't? Does he get a say in the decision?

What happens if you are forced to sell the place where you are living? How long will you give him to move out?

Will you be putting him on the title to where you are living or any documents?

What happens if he brings over a live-in friend? Can he?

just thinking.....

I told my brother that I would be willing to take care of my Mom, however, I needed to have a separate place to live. It might not have been ideal for my Mom, however, at least I had a place where I could just be "myself". Although my Mom wasn't overly needy, I just needed space to "not be on duty" and not watching what I was saying, worried about my bad-habits and material possessions, all the time. The person giving care, doesn't realize this need, until it is close to the breaking point.
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Reply to ChoppedLiver
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