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Two over 80 parents living independently are considering having their unmarried son move in with them. He's unemployed and they need in-home assistance. What issues should the aging parents consider?
The son needs to know what his boundaries will be. My 96-yr old Mom lives next to me "semi-independently". The boundary I have is that she will be transitioned into a facility if keeping her in her home becomes unsafe or I become overwhelmed by her care or management of her care. The parents need to never force the son to promise to "never" put them in a facility. The parents need to agree to pay for in-home aids once that becomes a need. The son must insist on his parents making him their financial and medical PoA, and joint on their banking so he can manage their bills (assuming he'll be the one to do this and not another adult child as PoA). The parents need to understand that he is NOT on call 24-7/365 for 2 people since this will burn him out in no time. He needs a normal amount of down time so he can have a healthy private and social life to pursue happiness. The parents cannot assume he will quit his job to spend more time taking care of them. This is financial suicide unless they can match his wages. Instead, they agree to hire extra in-home aids to cover. If parents pay him, they need a written legally sound contract. They must not promise to leave him the house, since this asset will be subject to a lien if either of them ever need Medicaid. If they want him to have the house as a partial payment for his help, they must put this in their Will or add his name to the title now. The caregiving arrangement must accommodate the caregiver or burnout is guaranteed. The son should visit this forum and read some of the posts under the Burnout care topic so that he goes into this with his eyes fully open. https://www.agingcare.com/topics/30/burnout
Good advice from Geaton. Also consider if the son has other siblings, will they resent or be okay with the arrangement and its repercussions? If the son will be paid or inherit the home, despite his efforts in caregiving, that can be easily misunderstood and cause hard feelings. Best to consider the thoughts of all involved even if everyone ultimately cannot be on exactly the same page
Is he going to be able to handle helping your mother out with bathing , bathroom ,and personal Needs? Alot of people don't think about that at the time. Unfortunately with elderly people, it's only going to get harder, and be more work. And it can change at any time! The lady I take care of went into the hospital last year walking, talking, etc, 10 days later came out totally bedridden! I have to change her diapers, bathe her, literally do everything for her. Are they able to stay alone when he needs to go to the grocery store? Or he has somewhere to go? Is he in good health? He has to rememeber it is a 24 7 job! No going anywhere! Unless you have someone you trust that can stay there with them that knows what their doing . And what will he do to pay for personal items for himself ? Like clothing, food. Or is he depending on them to finance all of that? What about dr appts? Will he be able to load them both in the car when one has a appt? Does he have a car? Or do they? He just needs to understand that things change DAILY. BUT tje main question is will he be able to handle doing "personal " things for your mom? Because even if their still walking on their own, l they will still need help in the bathroom, wiping poop and cleaning her personal parts, alot of men are comfortable with that ya know . ? Honestly if he's only doing it because he doesn't have a job , in my opinion, that's not a good idea, you need someone there who knows what their in for, because TRUST ME Caregiving is hard physically and emotionally. Because it always ends up ending sadly also. Ya know . But I wouldn't trade it for the world . Bit I know God put me on this earth to do this. Its my purpose. Can he say the same? Just something to think about . Good luck!
Good points raised so far. I would add — what if any of the three decide the arrangement is no longer working? If one or both parents don’t find the son is doing the job the way they expected or imagined?what if they don’t like his cooking, or one has or gets dementia and starts accusing him of stealing their money? It can be very stressful.
Or what if the son decides it’s too much, or he starts dating someone who wants to spend evenings and weekends with him and not his parents? What if he gets a full time job? Is he giving up his current residence and all his possessions in order to move in with them? What if it doesn’t work out? You don’t say how old the son is, but I’m guessing 40-65. What about his own retirement savings and future employability? Is this an issue? What about health insurance for him? What if he gets sick, or wants to go on vacation? Bear in mind one or both parents could live 10 or more additional years.
You say the parents are considering this, but what is the son’s feeling about this possibility? What does he want for his own life?
Why he is unemployed and unmarried should be considered just like any other potential employee.
An unemployed person pre retirement needs to be working a job that allows him to save for his own retirement and pay into his own SS. He needs health insurance. if he doesn’t have these things he becomes a dependent on the parents and a extra burden for any other family trying to help the parents out. Most parents will have a difficult time asking a child to leave if things aren’t working out. It is very hard to be a caregiver and not live with the parents. Even harder when they do all live together. Being broke and needy doesn’t make caregiving fun. Being in need of help at home doesn’t make the son the ideal candidate.
He needs a way to provide for his own transportation and the ability to have a social life. Does he arrive broke, totally dependent with health issues or does he have a home and savings? Would he have to be evicted should things go south? Would he be looking for a wife who might happen to have children and they all move in and put the 80 year olds in the basement?
What happens if he mismanage their funds that might be adequate for their lifestyle but won’t last long with a case of beer and cartons of cigs and snacks added to the grocery list? Do they live in an extreme climate but disagree on the thermostat setting? What about pets?
If there are siblings then they need to be considered. How the siblings get along will affect the parents and will influence visitation. It can result in less overall care/socialization of parents and make the grandchildren not want to visit if uncle is not a friendly sort.
A care contract clearly outlining the responsibilities of each party should be utilized and adjusted as needed. The parents should be able to expect certain benefits of having a live in under various conditions. Ditto the son shouldn’t be expected to do more than is reasonable. What would the son consider a deal breaker? How about the parents?
As an example. Son gets a job, working and not doing caregiving, he needs to pay a portion of expenses to help pay for the help that will need to be hired or he needs to move out.
Son is not working, he needs to be paid for the work he does.
There are so many issues depending on the individuals and who else might influence the son or the parents that can cause friction.
Ideally a regular family meeting with everyone participating would be helpful.
Is the son a good housekeeper, keep a tidy lawn, know how to cook, do laundry, known for his patience? Willing to learn about health issues. Yikes. There is so much to consider. But it could all work out and be a great solution for all three.
Burn out can happen really soon for some family caregivers and it’s a real problem that can’t be ignored.
Excellent point about how he needs to pay into SS and into a retirement account. I don’t know his health insurance situation. All of these are important considerations
Not a good idea. Son may see this as a lifesaver, but they’ll require more and more care, and he will lose having a life of his own. “I want to live with my declining elderly parents” said no normal healthy independent man ever.
And when he tires of their poop, anger, complaining and resentment, what will they all do then? They’ll all be stuck. Read some of the posts on this site. Then deep-six the idea of this guy moving in and help them find a nice assisted living facility.
set it up through a lawyer. Get all the ifs, ands, or buts ironed out before anyone moves in with anyone else. Insurance. Payments. Wills. POA. Contracts for time off. What happens if the parents are being taken advantage of...what happens if the son is being taken advantage of...what happens if there is a sudden medical change for any of the parties. The son can become disabled. The parents can become disabled. Criminal status? Debt status? It's about 6 months of talking and debating while getting it all finished with financial, medical, and legal representatives.
I agree with Fawnby. Often, in situations like this one is dealing with mutual NEEDS. Son isn't working, needs a job and a home. Parents are aging and need help. Initially that can sound like a great tradeoff. Son gives care parents need and parents supply room and board.
However, it is difficult to live with others. Whether as a caregiver, a spouse, a sibling, a parent or a child or a roommate, living with others is fraught with compromising when problems arise. And in the case of aging parents, they WILL arise, more and more and more.
We often see children who do this, end up with both parents so in need of several shifts of workers with several workers on each shift, and because the assets are quickly used up they go onto medicaid which after their deaths does recovery on the home the caregiving child was thinking to be able to continue to live in.
It takes a lifetime of good jobs, hard saving and good luck to save enough for your own care in future. I highly advise against your moving in to do care you may well discover quickly you aren't qualified, and do not wish to do for several decades of time.
If you do choose to do this, be certain to see, with your parents and elder law attorney. There discuss shared living cost and expenses, payment; expectations of privacy and hired help to assist, reassessment on a regular basis of whether this arrangement is working for ALL INVOLVED and the understanding that when it doesn't work for ONE it is over for all. Get all the wills and paperwork for POA, your understand of how to do that fiduciary duty with good record keeping.
Cross all the Ts and dot all the Is and you may stand some chance if caring for elders is something you truly love to do, and if you were born with the patience of Job. Good luck.
It’s not going to work. It takes 3 adults to give care to one adult. He has no training. Once it hits the fan where diapers come into play, etc, he isn’t going to do that.
It’s setting everyone up for failure when they expect one person to do the work of 6 people.
My neighbor moved in with his parents about 10 years ago amid a divorce that ended in a dv charge. Blaming his record, he has not attempted to work since.
And until recently, it worked just fine. He went fishing when he felt like it. He has a girlfriend who sometimes stays there. The parents were mobile.
Late last year, mom had a stroke and died. A few months later, the smell from dads feet became to gangrenous to ignore. Dad got admitted and they amputated his leg past the knee. Dad’s now in rehab.
My advice is do not move in with your parents. Your parents’ conditions will progress to the point when they may become totally dependent on caregivers’ assistance and may last for years, very unlike toddlers’ who eventually mature to do responsibilities for him or herself. Your parents may require 24/7 care and mean you have to go without sleep, food and your other basic needs out of your very sweet love.
You will be unemployed for months and longer, too busy and exhausted to work your own job to earn money.
Their home will get neglected and may see missed payments on property taxes and upkeep, plus any existing mortgage, forcing foreclosure by the bank or county from non-pmts and will make all of you homeless.
Please don’t do it. Do not move in with your parents! Their home will have to be sold to pay further own care. It is Not Your Home!
Get them into a facility and find yourself work plus your own quarters to live. They require a facility or hired home care with their caregivers at home24/7 until they die. If their funds run out, they go in Medicaid referred by an expert.
It takes about three million dollars for Each Individual to care for them until death due us part in AL or/NH. Home care or facility costs about $ 25-$30 hourly 24/7! Who has that much in assets? It also depends on how long your loved ones live!
Most recipients require Medicaid when they become entirely impoverished from their exorbitant broken country costs! Unless they have three or more million in assets that most people never earn in their entire lifetimes!
Consider this as a contract. Write out his duties and how he will be compensated. Also consider that at some point the son will not have his parents and will need other employment.
If the son is able and willing to provide the assistance they need, it can be a win for everyone. The parents should consider creating a contractual agreement indicating the payment to the caregiver son, and what cares are to be provided. There should be stipulations for future concerns, as they arise.
If the parents qualify financially, they can get help from medicaid, which will pay the family member for services.
All expenses should be documented. It wouldn't hurt to get an accountant or bookkeeper involved to track expenses and payment for services.
In this case, an assigned fiduciary sounds like a good idea, because the unemployed son, and I'm assuming homeless(?) could take advantage and abuse these elders financially, or otherwise. Wouldn't hurt to have a third party in place as a double check.
Her son may be willing, but it takes three+ people round the clock to do 24/7 care without breaks or time off, including vacations. Caregiving does not take holidays!
Living with your parents until you are married is normal in many countries, and is not uncommon even in the USA when the child has little money or wishes to save. I would make it clear to the son that he needs to try and find a job (they won't live forever). I would also discuss with the son what he is planning to do should the parents be incapacitated. It may work for a while, but it is hard to give advice not knowing the son and parents. How much assistance do the parents need, and how will it change? How helpful is the son? Are there other people (such as other relatives or possibly long-time neighbors) who know parents and son and could give advice, and maybe keep an eye on how things are going? I would also talk to the parents' doctors and possibly even consult APS. Saying "no" to the son could mean losing the only willing support the parents have, saying "yes" if the son is abusive or has drug issues could turn into a nightmare, or maybe things would work out if he is a loving son who just lost his job.
In addition to all the below, please have in writing, an exit strategy. For instance, what happens if he gets a job, do you still have the same expectations of him than if he didn't have a job and stayed in your house?
Who will be paying his medical insurance or his medical bills while he is unemployed? What happens if he is employed, but minimally? What happens if his behavior is not acceptable to you or puts you into danger?
What happens if he ends up in the hospital? Who will take care of you then? Who will take care of him?
What happens if one of you ends up in a rehab hospital or a regular hospital while the other one is still at home ? What are your expectations to each of you, his parents, during this time, while you, the parents, are apart?
What happens if one of you wants to go to assisted living and the other one doesn't? Does he get a say in the decision?
What happens if you are forced to sell the place where you are living? How long will you give him to move out?
Will you be putting him on the title to where you are living or any documents?
What happens if he brings over a live-in friend? Can he?
just thinking.....
I told my brother that I would be willing to take care of my Mom, however, I needed to have a separate place to live. It might not have been ideal for my Mom, however, at least I had a place where I could just be "myself". Although my Mom wasn't overly needy, I just needed space to "not be on duty" and not watching what I was saying, worried about my bad-habits and material possessions, all the time. The person giving care, doesn't realize this need, until it is close to the breaking point.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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Are they able to stay alone when he needs to go to the grocery store? Or he has somewhere to go? Is he in good health? He has to rememeber it is a 24 7 job! No going anywhere! Unless you have someone you trust that can stay there with them that knows what their doing . And what will he do to pay for personal items for himself ? Like clothing, food. Or is he depending on them to finance all of that?
What about dr appts? Will he be able to load them both in the car when one has a appt? Does he have a car? Or do they?
He just needs to understand that things change DAILY. BUT tje main question is will he be able to handle doing "personal " things for your mom? Because even if their still walking on their own, l they will still need help in the bathroom, wiping poop and cleaning her personal parts, alot of men are comfortable with that ya know . ? Honestly if he's only doing it because he doesn't have a job , in my opinion, that's not a good idea, you need someone there who knows what their in for, because TRUST ME Caregiving is hard physically and emotionally. Because it always ends up ending sadly also. Ya know . But I wouldn't trade it for the world . Bit I know God put me on this earth to do this. Its my purpose. Can he say the same? Just something to think about . Good luck!
Or what if the son decides it’s too much, or he starts dating someone who wants to spend evenings and weekends with him and not his parents? What if he gets a full time job? Is he giving up his current residence and all his possessions in order to move in with them? What if it doesn’t work out? You don’t say how old the son is, but I’m guessing 40-65. What about his own retirement savings and future employability? Is this an issue? What about health insurance for him? What if he gets sick, or wants to go on vacation? Bear in mind one or both parents could live 10 or more additional years.
You say the parents are considering this, but what is the son’s feeling about this possibility? What does he want for his own life?
Why he is unemployed and unmarried should be considered just like any other potential employee.
An unemployed person pre retirement needs to be working a job that allows him to save for his own retirement and pay into his own SS. He needs health insurance. if he doesn’t have these things he becomes a dependent on the parents and a extra burden for any other family trying to help the parents out. Most parents will have a difficult time asking a child to leave if things aren’t working out. It is very hard to be a caregiver and not live with the parents. Even harder when they do all live together. Being broke and needy doesn’t make caregiving fun. Being in need of help at home doesn’t make the son the ideal candidate.
He needs a way to provide for his own transportation and the ability to have a social life. Does he arrive broke, totally dependent with health issues or does he have a home and savings? Would he have to be evicted should things go south? Would he be looking for a wife who might happen to have children and they all move in and put the 80 year olds in the basement?
What happens if he mismanage their funds that might be adequate for their lifestyle but won’t last long with a case of beer and cartons of cigs and snacks added to the grocery list?
Do they live in an extreme climate but disagree on the thermostat setting? What about pets?
If there are siblings then they need to be considered. How the siblings get along will affect the parents and will influence visitation. It can result in less overall care/socialization of parents and make the grandchildren not want to visit if uncle is not a friendly sort.
A care contract clearly outlining the responsibilities of each party should be utilized and adjusted as needed. The parents should be able to expect certain benefits of having a live in under various conditions. Ditto the son shouldn’t be expected to do more than is reasonable. What would the son consider a deal breaker? How about the parents?
As an example. Son gets a job, working and not doing caregiving, he needs to pay a portion of expenses to help pay for the help that will need to be hired or he needs to move out.
Son is not working, he needs to be paid for the work he does.
There are so many issues depending on the individuals and who else might influence the son or the parents that can cause friction.
Ideally a regular family meeting with everyone participating would be helpful.
Is the son a good housekeeper, keep a tidy lawn, know how to cook, do laundry, known for his patience? Willing to learn about health issues. Yikes. There is so much to consider. But it could all work out and be a great solution for all three.
Burn out can happen really soon for some family caregivers and it’s a real problem that can’t be ignored.
And when he tires of their poop, anger, complaining and resentment, what will they all do then? They’ll all be stuck. Read some of the posts on this site. Then deep-six the idea of this guy moving in and help them find a nice assisted living facility.
Insurance. Payments. Wills. POA. Contracts for time off.
What happens if the parents are being taken advantage of...what happens if the son is being taken advantage of...what happens if there is a sudden medical change for any of the parties. The son can become disabled. The parents can become disabled. Criminal status? Debt status?
It's about 6 months of talking and debating while getting it all finished with financial, medical, and legal representatives.
Often, in situations like this one is dealing with mutual NEEDS.
Son isn't working, needs a job and a home. Parents are aging and need help. Initially that can sound like a great tradeoff. Son gives care parents need and parents supply room and board.
However, it is difficult to live with others. Whether as a caregiver, a spouse, a sibling, a parent or a child or a roommate, living with others is fraught with compromising when problems arise. And in the case of aging parents, they WILL arise, more and more and more.
We often see children who do this, end up with both parents so in need of several shifts of workers with several workers on each shift, and because the assets are quickly used up they go onto medicaid which after their deaths does recovery on the home the caregiving child was thinking to be able to continue to live in.
It takes a lifetime of good jobs, hard saving and good luck to save enough for your own care in future. I highly advise against your moving in to do care you may well discover quickly you aren't qualified, and do not wish to do for several decades of time.
If you do choose to do this, be certain to see, with your parents and elder law attorney. There discuss shared living cost and expenses, payment; expectations of privacy and hired help to assist, reassessment on a regular basis of whether this arrangement is working for ALL INVOLVED and the understanding that when it doesn't work for ONE it is over for all. Get all the wills and paperwork for POA, your understand of how to do that fiduciary duty with good record keeping.
Cross all the Ts and dot all the Is and you may stand some chance if caring for elders is something you truly love to do, and if you were born with the patience of Job.
Good luck.
It’s setting everyone up for failure when they expect one person to do the work of 6 people.
And until recently, it worked just fine. He went fishing when he felt like it. He has a girlfriend who sometimes stays there. The parents were mobile.
Late last year, mom had a stroke and died. A few months later, the smell from dads feet became to gangrenous to ignore. Dad got admitted and they amputated his leg past the knee. Dad’s now in rehab.
You will be unemployed for months and longer, too busy and exhausted to work your own job to earn money.
Their home will get neglected and may see missed payments on property taxes and upkeep, plus any existing mortgage, forcing foreclosure by the bank or county from non-pmts and will make all of you homeless.
Please don’t do it. Do not move in with your parents! Their home will have to be sold to pay further own care. It is Not Your Home!
Get them into a facility and find yourself work plus your own quarters to live. They require a facility or hired home care with their caregivers at home24/7 until they die. If their funds run out, they go in Medicaid referred by an expert.
Most recipients require Medicaid when they become entirely impoverished from their exorbitant broken country costs! Unless they have three or more million in assets that most people never earn in their entire lifetimes!
The parents should consider creating a contractual agreement indicating the payment to the caregiver son, and what cares are to be provided. There should be stipulations for future concerns, as they arise.
If the parents qualify financially, they can get help from medicaid, which will pay the family member for services.
All expenses should be documented. It wouldn't hurt to get an accountant or bookkeeper involved to track expenses and payment for services.
In this case, an assigned fiduciary sounds like a good idea, because the unemployed son, and I'm assuming homeless(?) could take advantage and abuse these elders financially, or otherwise. Wouldn't hurt to have a third party in place as a double check.
Who will be paying his medical insurance or his medical bills while he is unemployed? What happens if he is employed, but minimally? What happens if his behavior is not acceptable to you or puts you into danger?
What happens if he ends up in the hospital? Who will take care of you then? Who will take care of him?
What happens if one of you ends up in a rehab hospital or a regular hospital while the other one is still at home ? What are your expectations to each of you, his parents, during this time, while you, the parents, are apart?
What happens if one of you wants to go to assisted living and the other one doesn't? Does he get a say in the decision?
What happens if you are forced to sell the place where you are living? How long will you give him to move out?
Will you be putting him on the title to where you are living or any documents?
What happens if he brings over a live-in friend? Can he?
just thinking.....
I told my brother that I would be willing to take care of my Mom, however, I needed to have a separate place to live. It might not have been ideal for my Mom, however, at least I had a place where I could just be "myself". Although my Mom wasn't overly needy, I just needed space to "not be on duty" and not watching what I was saying, worried about my bad-habits and material possessions, all the time. The person giving care, doesn't realize this need, until it is close to the breaking point.