My parents are 80 years old one has Alzheimer’s and the other dementia. I am their DPOA and we had a sit down conversation about moving them in with me. During that conversation hey were told the would be financially responsible for changes that would need to be made to accommodate them. They agreed. I paid the contractor and now hey are accusing me of steeling. They want me to pay them back. I am no sure what to do.
This would have included:
Shared living expenses costs.
Costs for payment of changes needed to facility for safety/comfort.
Reassessment of living conditions and if they are working for all members of household.
What plans will change if the living situation is not suitable to a member of the household.
Circumstances under which placement will be necessitated (physical and mental).
If these changes were made to the house in their behalf then THEY should have paid for them. If you are handling all finances and you are paying in their behalf then the check would be their name with you as POA. That would have been your proof that you weren't simply enriching yourself and your home for yourself.
So there are basic problems that occurred here. Hopefully you have kept meticulous records. When I was POA and Trustee for my brother I gave him a monthly account of every penny into and out of his accounts. He kept them in a looseleaf binder and they were a comfort to him as to where his money was, how much it was, and where it was going. These are records you have to keep in any case.
Paranoia about money is one of the most common things when dementia is afoot. And that's why it must be prepared for ahead of time.
I would gather all your records and then I would attend an elder law attorney to MAKE a care contract now. And also to explain where the money went and for what, and whatever proof you have that they approved this work.
Wishing you good luck. Sorry this is occurring, but your note to us serves as a warning to ALL. Not that this helps YOU. Truly I wish you luck.
Walk away and ignore them when they'r starting up with that. If your caregiving situation becomes too much for you to handle, place them in memory care. It's okay to do that. You don't have to have your life, health, and home ruined by your parents health conditions. Also, you don't ever have to have a moment of guilt if you choose to not let your life be ruined by their care needs.
Expect it to happen in other instances anytime they can't find something. 'Somebody stole it' is always the first thing that pops into their head.
Because they think people are stealing things, they start putting their belongings in strange places to hide them. Then they forget where they hid it. When said item is found, they say "someone else put it there, I would never put it there".
They also lose the ability to look for things. Out of site becomes out of mind.
My mother always kept a pair of sunglasses in the desk drawer near the patio. She told me someone stole her sunglasses. I looked in the desk drawer, and there they were. It hadn't occurred to her to open the drawer. Another time she said someone stole her pocketbook. It was found under her bed pillow. Putting AirTags on important items like keys and wallet have been a life saver.
People with dementia can no longer reason, so resist the urge to prove you are right. You'll only agitate them further and make them trust you even less.
My own 96-yr old Mom with moderate dementia and memory loss sometimes gets bouts of paranoia (mostly in the afternoons) and there's no convincing her of anything even when you show her irrefutable evidence (it then becomes a conspiracy).
Please make sure you learn as much as you can if you are going to have 2 cognitively compromised people under your care. Make sure you consult with a Medicaid Planner so that your parents' financial participation in the house addition/remodel doesn't come back to bite everyone in the butt at a time when qualifying for Medicaid may be badly needed.
The caregiving arrangement needs to accommodate the caregiver, otherwise burnout is imminent. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate the care arrangement with your parents.
I would try ignoring them see what happens. Hopefully they will not need Medicaid, until the lookback period is over.
Without a contract this could be considered a gift.