Hi, all! I’ve come to this page many times but couldn’t get myself to post. I’m 47 with parents who are 78 (Dad) and 76 (Mom). IT IS SOOOO HARD WATCHING THEM AGE. There is also some unresolved issues within the immediate family.
Mom needs new hearing aids. Dad fell last September and needed knee surgery, which was followed by almost 10 months on a catheter because of an enlarged prostrate. It took two procedures to resolve.
But now his personality has changed. He’s nasty to my mom. My 50-year-old brother lives with them. I wish he didn’t. My dad and my brother love each other, I feel, but go head-to-head a lot. My brother sobbed to me yesterday that my dad treats him differently. I do see it. My grandfather was not a nice person, as I’m learning.
My dad tells me he doesn’t mean to cause problems, but I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if the change in my dad is from aging or something else. It’s so very hard!
In addition, older people tend to have more time to reflect on whatever they feel their legacy may be and wish it was. There's more time to ponder regrettable actions from the past that can't be undone. There's more time to play the "what if" game with oneself, rueing decisions that may have had more positive outcomes if they'd made different ones. There's more time to feel sad about things they wished they'd done, but missed the opportunities. Not to mention the increasing awareness of one's mortality. The weight of the Grim Reaper's hand on one's shoulder lies ever heavier eery day, when in their younger days they didn't even notice He was in the room.
The physical decline can be equally frustrating, making older folks less patient, more cranky, and more inclined to take out their anger on the people around them, often loved ones. I witnessed hundreds of senior citizens add 10 years to their lives during my time as a senior center director, and I watched them become different people as they aged—some for better, but more often for worse. As for me, when I was younger I had all the patience on the world for children and all their energy. Now they—and that includes my own grandchildren—frustrate me more easily and exhaust me quickly.
Go ahead and make whatever medical considerations you feel are important, but know that people's personalities change as they age, and quite understandably so. If that seems difficult to understand, think about your own personality and view of the world was when you were 10 or 20, then ask yourself how different it is now, in ways both positive and negative. It might help you and your brother gain a little better perspective on your parents in the days to come.
My suggestion to your brother would be to move out, get his own housing and a good job to sustain his own living choices.
Children often, with aging parents, begin to try to take on the onus and burden of their happiness.
To tell you the truth, there is little to be happy about in aging. I say this as an 82 year old. For me, the most profound changes to my own well being, ability, balance, hearing, eyesight, health in general took a dive in the decade between age 70 and age 80. And this is the time that most children begin to "assume the burden" which is a GREAT MISTAKE.
If your parent is unhappy or injured your correct response is "I am so sorry; what will be your next steps in getting through this" because, until there is dementia, that is THEIR responsibility and burden.
If you become all the solutions, there will be no other solutions.
It is time to sit with your brother and discuss all of this. If the two of you would like to see a Social Worker who is licensed to do counseling in life transitions that would be a VERY GOOD IDEA to discuss option sand approach.
Good luck. My daughter, who just was here for a very welcome visit, actually LIVES three states away. And that's what I recommend to children of elders all the time. Move a 1,000 miles away.
Best of luck, aging parents is a hard road!!
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/memory-loss-and-forgetfulness/memory-problems-forgetfulness-and-aging
If that is ruled out as the cause, then I would consider a possible form of dementia.
How long has your brother lived with them? If this is a new living situation, it could simply be the result of getting on each other's nerves living together. We all get used to our own way of life, and if that is disrupted, could cause a lot of anxiety and unexpected feelings to surface.
You and your brother need to recognize your limitations. You, or he, may not be able to manage all that your parents need. If it becomes more than either of you can manage, then it is time to find a nice care home to provide the care needed for your parents.
Has Dad adjusting to his new limitations? Depression?
You are not his Doctor. Nor his Pharmacist, Councellor or Maid. Neither is your Brother.
I remember how shocked my Dad was when he suffered a major health event. It really took the floor out from under his world. Plus he was the capable one, used to looking after Mum. He spoke up fast he needed... something.. but it took awhile to sort out what help he needed.
Does Dad have a good Doctor he trusts to speak to? A Church Elder or good mates to turn to?
Adult kids are great - but your folks also need the 'village' now. You & your Brother can't wear ALL the hats. Be family 🤗