I am a 26 female, my boyfriend is 24. We have been dating for almost 4 years. We moved in together after 1 year of dating. Lately, our relationship has taken a toll.
My family have always heavily relied on me. I grew up in a multi-generational home (my parents, grandparents, younger brother, and older sister). My parents and grandparents don't speak english so I have been coordinating their healthcare since middle school. My parents have always worked 6 day, 12 hr shifts so I was also responsible for many of the chores around the house.
When we first started dating, I was going home almost every weekend. After we moved in together, I started going home roughly 1-2 days every 2-3 weeks. This was going well for us, we were both working remote at the time and spent a lot of time together.
In November of 2022, my grandpa injured his leg. My grandpa has dementia and is diabetic so we needed to be extra attentive. For the following months, I stayed at home for half of the week to monitor his wound. Someone had to be on night duty to ensure he didn't fall so my brother and I took turns. Once things stabilized, I returned to the 1-2 days every 2-3 weeks schedule.
In March 2023, my dad started loosing a lot of weight and muscle strength/mass---no one knew what was going on. I went back to being at home half of the week to take my dad to appointments. After months of doctors visits and phone calls, he was officially diagnosed with ALS July 2023. Since the diagnosis, I have been balancing care for my dad and my grandpa, insurance and medical calls, and a full time job (remote). This was when I knew my grandparents would be better cared for at a facility and spent a lot of time finding a place that fit their needs. During the past 3 months, with everything going on-- I was pretty much at home the entire week and only visit my boyfriend during the weekends. I made sure to keep the plans we made and continue making new plans. During all my family stuff, we still visited Japan with his friends, went to a convention he wanted to go to, and checked off Vegas from our bucket-list.
My dad recently got a peg tube placed and he is unable to feed himself so he will need someone home every day to feed him his food and medicine. My mom only gets one day off and will try to get more days off at work but in the meantime, I will need to stay home pretty much all week. My sister is finishing school out of state and my brother is currently getting treatment for his mental health issues so I am the only one available. I've thought about commuting to and from my parent's place instead (as if i was going to work), but the traffic will be 3+ hours of driving each day--I could be doing a lot more with that time.
To be honest, all this work is really tough and I am always stressed and tired. It's been so hard seeing my loved ones age and get sick. I didn't expect to have to experience this until I was much older.
I still have fun when I am with him, but I cant help feel guilty when I'm at home. He doesn't have many friends so he gets lonely easily. He doesn't understand family responsibilities because he didn't grow up with any. Ever since we started dating, he's been worried about my family duties. Whenever we are together, everything is fine--but when i'm not there and he's feeling lonely, he will bring it up again.
I wish I could tell him definitively that I can fully focus on him but I can't--I don't know when I can, but I am trying to set thing up so I can. Its very challenging to find energy for paperwork and phone calls when you're also caregiving and working full time. And I also don't want to miss the precious time my dad has left.
Can this relationship get better with time or will he always resent me for giving so much to my family?
Normally I tell young people that they have no obligation to their parents, that obligations are played forward in that a parent is obligated to his or her CHILD and the child is obligated to his or her OWN CHILDREN when they are born. This is how I feel it should go.
However, ALS is a dreadful diagnosis with a dreadful prognosis, and it is self-limiting in amounts of time your Dad will live, no matter WHAT is done in terms of accepting or not accepting peg feedings and respirators. Your mother is working and I am assuming she HAS to work.
It sounds to me as though you have made a tough decision and have decided that you feel you must help your parents at this time and perhaps for some year or two more in time. I think you should make that clear to your boyfriend and I think you should take good measures so that there is no pregnancy for you, and that you should be realistic in that you have made a hard decision that MAY NOT WORK FOR HIM over time. You may lose him. That's just a fact.
There is no way to make this easier. If you need not to be the support to your Mom and Dad right now, and need to get on with your life then they will have to do the best with support within the system we have as tho they had no children or others to help (that is the case for many). If on the other hand you choose to be their support, you may lose a good man. The world is however full of them, and you are young. You will be OK no matter what.
There's no good answer here. This is a great tragedy without a "fix it". I am so dreadfully sorry and whatever you decide for yourself know it is VALID and right for you, and that I wish you the very very best. And to your folks as well.
I think your Dad too will need to be placed. You can't really do this as he worsens.
Do you want to be an adult who stands on her own, makes mature decisions about relationships and marriage, and envisions a future family of her own?
Or do you want to be a child enmeshed in old cultural customs, ordered about by her elders, and mourning the reality that you missed out on moving forward with a man you loved?
Maybe your boyfriend isn't the man for you, but you've been together for four years and you're shoving him to the side to "give" to your family. I understand why he's upset. If he's not of the same culture, you might be better off to find someone who is.
Also, if she were my mom, I'd tell her that these sick old people are her responsibility, not yours. She should hire an aide to shovel food into the PEG tube if she can't be there. You and your siblings should be working, having fun and planning for a future. I hope it will be a good one.
You've known each other for 4 years. How much more time do you need to see that it is one-sided?
I don't read anywhere in your post that your boyfriend is actively helping you (or has even offered). I would have a heart-to-heart talk with him that you won't be able to be his entertainment committee while you are helping your sick Father and burdened Mother. If he doesn't like it, then tell him he's free to find someone else.
How is a full-grown man not able to figure out how to make friends and not add to your stress? Often, a crisis will show people's true character. I think you can do better than this guy, based on what you've posted. Respectfully, you seem to be a bit of a Rescuer. But this will burn you out at a very young age and that would be tragic.
Your Dad's ALS and your Mom's need to continue working while he's sick is a lot of pressure. Have you tried contacting their county social services to see if he qualifies for any in-home services or aid? Many county offices have interpreters available. Is your Dad on disability (SSDI)?
Unless you have a BF who is very mature and supportive, I think he will be nothing but another source of stress and guilt for you. He doesn't seem to care that he's adding to your pile. Tell him what *you* really need from *him* during your Dad's illness and then let him decide to either step up to the plate or cut himself loose.
Yes -- why are you the one this all falls on?
Your grandparents are now in a facility. Are you still the responsible one in terms of their health? Are you their POA/HCPOA?
"To be honest, all this work is really tough and I am always stressed and tired."
I bet you are! Has this gotten to the point of all this stress affecting your work? Your employer has every right to insist you do your job adequately and without excuses.
I don't see your relationship with your bf continuing. Unless you change your priorities to focus on yourself, you have years ahead of increasingly involved caregiving. Let your bf move on to someone else.
This is just WAY too much for you to be dealing with at such a young age. You should be out having fun and enjoying time with your boyfriend.
You are being stretched far too thin and something is going to have to give.
Unfortunately for you it's probably going to be your relationship with your boyfriend, as I don't believe that your culture will allow otherwise.
How very sad that you have to give up what should be the fun years of your life to be burdened with being your families caregiver. There is something just not right with that picture.
You and your boyfriend deserve so much better, and because you can't give him what he truly deserves and wants, it's probably best that you part ways for now and then wait and see what the future may hold for you both.
I'm wishing you the very best as you travel this very difficult road with your dad.
You are of a culture that operates differently, all living together all for one, one for all.
This lifestyle does not allow you to develop into a singular young person with her own life.
Unfortunately, this will not get better you have a long road ahead of you. ALS is a nasty disease
Me, I would let him go as you really do not have time for a relationship. I think it would be unfair to strap him down due to your ongoing issues.
Sending support your way. I wish you the very best!
Home. You describe home as your parents home. I didn't see what you call the place you live with your boyfriend.
Lonelinss. Your boyfiend could be spending time with friends, workmates, hanging out at a gym or sporting club, a theatre group, whatever he liked. But he wants a relationship with you.
Do you have room in your life for him?
Love. You love your family, that is clear. Some people show love by emotional support, some with gifts, some with deeds.
Change. Your Grandfather & Father are experiencing big changes to their health. Sadly, they are both losing independance. Yet you seem the one making all the changes to your life.
Support. Who's in your corner to support you. You certainly have a lot on your plate.