Ready to give up. What should we do? - AgingCare.com

Ready to give up. What should we do?

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Me and my mom have lived with my grandparents for the past 15 years. My grandpa had a lot of health problems and just recently passed away. And grandma has dementia. I am their caregiver along with help from mom. A uncle lives there too, but doesn’t pay rent or for any bills or grocery. And he’s been a bully towards me. Some of my moms siblings are acting like bullies. They have problems with the way we do things. And want to change our lives, along with my grandma. They don’t care what she wants or how she feels. They just want control and things their way. They say we have control over grandma, and that my mom has stolen money from them. Yet they don’t say anything about how my uncle doesn’t help or pay for anything. But they are causing a lot of problems, being mean. Me and Mom are done dealing with them and the way they treat us. We are ready to give up and move out. But having a hard time being okay leaving grandma, she would be so sad and lost without us. At a lost of what to do.

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Hello Wilson 93,
May I ask how old you are? Are you 25ish? You've been at this for 15 years so far, that shows an awful lot of love, caring and compassion on your part! What a wonderful person you are! ALL of your family should be thanking their lucky stars for you.

Does grandma own the house?

There's probably not much you can do about your uncle. It would be up to grandmother to set down rules for him to pay his fair share, or throw him out. So since your stuck with him, don't dwell on what he does or does not do. You don't need the added stress.

Most people think they would do things differently, when they observe a situation. It's human nature and ego.

However, if mother's sibs are not willing to get their hands dirty with the care of grandmother, they should shut their faces, AND be grateful you and Mom are there, and have been for all these years.

 Since we can't change how people act, all we can change is  how we LET it affect us. So just let it go in one ear and out the other. 

But you DO have the right to speak up. 
When they talk about their money being stolen, mention their freeloading brother. 
When they are talking about how things should be done, tell them you'd be happy to have them come and help you do it. 
You have every right to state the truth. 
Remind them that if they are unsatisfied with your work, they are free to put grandma in a Nursing Home.

You are not being disrespectful, you are giving them a choice. Stand up for yourself, you've earned that right!

I'd like to know, if you realize there is life outside that house?

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Do you have friends?

Do you take any classes?

Do you go out and socialize?

Have you thought about what you want to do with your life when grandma's gone?

And I'm hoping you don't just stay there and slip into the roll of being Mom's caregiver, as I'm sure she pretty worn out.

Have you thought about a career?

What interests you?

Think long and hard about all these thing. And please come back and let me know what you think. 

You deserve so much more, but only you can do it!

Big huggz💖
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Pepsee
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My mom has medical and financial POA for my grandma. Yes he does work. But he says he can’t afford it with still have to pay his ex wife from an old divorce.
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Reply to Wilson93
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Why is the uncle living there with no financial contribution? Does he work? Is he disabled in some way? I know this is just one small part of the overall problem, but it might help to have some background on this, as a look at family dynamics.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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Who has POA of Grandma? Or guardianship? If you or your Mom, then why not move and take Grandma with you?
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Reply to smeshque
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