My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.