Hello everyone. I hope someone can take the time to read what I’m about to write. I feel like I could go on forever in what I’m about to relay.
My mother is 80 and has Vascular Dementia. I think she’s had the diagnosis a year and a half, although she certainly had symptoms for years. I am 50 and divorced and live with her. My kids are grown. I have Lupus with multiple other overlapping conditions and am disabled. I am also at my wits end.
To most people on the outside my mom is a sweet person. I live with her and see the other side. She is paranoid and has developed so many annoying habits that I tolerate and bite my tongue as much as I can. She has accused me of being evil, saying my dark brown eyes turn black when I’m angry. She has also said I’m eavesdropping on her phone calls when in fact she talks so loud you can hear it plainly through the wall. She resorted to standing in her closet and whispering on a phone call to her sister (She admitted this to me). She has cut me up to family, making me out to be a bad daughter. My brother lives states away and has basically washed his hands of the whole situation because he can’t tolerate her. My father died of COPD several years ago, so it’s me and my kids who don’t live at home. I told my dad before he died I’d look after her. I’ve tried.
We are now at the 3 week point of not speaking because she got lost on the way home from the store and I was trying to find out what street she ended up on. It turned into her yelling "it’s not me, it’s you not understanding! Why are you so defensive?” And me telling her "I’m not defensive mom but if you call me defensive again I’ll get defensive”.
It’s her being passive aggressive to me, slamming doors, turning on the living room tv at 4:30 am and turning it up loud, when she has a nice tv in her bedroom. It’s her smiling at me and saying "it’s all in my head isn’t it?” This is not a nice smile either, it’s a very nasty smile. I’ve just looked after her while she recovered from knee replacement and physically she’s doing great.
I've just seen she’s taken all photos off her bedroom wall. No picture of her kids, her grandkids, her dog... nothing but an American flag. She’s become a religious and political nut and she thinks I’m heading to h*ll.
She thankfully is going to visit my Aunt in Arizona- for a few months. This is the Aunt she has cut me up to. This Aunt also has a dementia related illness. My Aunt and Uncle are coming to pick her up. She had it on her calendar- and thinks she’s being sneaky about it- my Aunt is getting her in the middle of the night to avoid me knowing. I reviewed my phone record because she’s on my plan- and she’s texting my Aunt at 2 in the morning instead of sleeping.
I don’t like her anymore and I feel so bad. I have health issues and she’s affecting my health. I think while she’s gone I need to look into getting my own apartment. It would be financially tough because we split the bills, but I’d be so much happier.
I worry about her, but I think she’d be ok as long as I check in on her. I just can’t do this anymore. She’s making me miserable and I’m counting the days until she goes to Arizona (less than a month away).
I feel like a bad daughter and I know I’m not. If I move out, she’s going to hate me even more and I’ll be viewed by my family as an awful
person. At this point I think I have to for my sanity. She’s going to be gone til Feb- so this will give me a break and time to plan.
Thank you for listening. I’m at the end of my rope here..... just had to vent.
Any suggestions? Am I normal for feeling this way?