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I take care of my mom by myself 24/7. I'm having to feed the animals, I have three cats and one dog, and now my brother wants to come home because he is in a rehab / nursing home Texas and my mom is always asking for him which I know that he needs to come home but he is an invalid he can't take care of himself; he had a stroke a year ago and can't walk and can't get himself in and out of bed and I have no strength to lift him. My daughter lives here with her fiance. He does a lot of stuff for her, but she has real bad anxiety and depression so even though she has him, she wants me to be around her too and I can't be two places at 1 time so I hear it from her if I'm not with her. My mom doesn't understand how come I'm not with her even though she doesn't know who I am at the time I was taking care of 3 cats beating and everything and taking care of a dog. I just don't really know what to do. I know my health has gone down. I haven't been to doctor probably for 3 or 4 years. I have arthritis and depression and both of my knees need replaced. I have real bad migraines and I get upset with my mom and I know it's not her fault. They say that people with Dementia are like little kids but with little kids you can somewhat reason with them I was her there's no reasoning. I fight with Mom every meal trying to get her to eat and I go out of my way to fix her something and then she won't eat it and I get really defensive and upset and I don't know what to do. If anybody can give me any suggestions that would really help. Tried to get help around here and there's no help around here everything is far away but if I could get respite for a few hours a day so I can do something by myself on my own but I can't even get that. The only time I really have to myself is when everyone is sleeping at the same time which is a very rare. I used to talk to my cousin but my aunt just passed away from having dementia I guess so I really don't feel right venting to him after he just lost his mom. Thank you in advance for any help.

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You have already fallen apart. This is way too much for any person to handle. Your mom needs to be placed where paid staff work shifts and return somewhat rested. You need to move on with your life and take care of your health. "Less is more" when it comes to your mental and physical health. Less people and things to take care of is a great start. Your brother can get mad, but that's okay. He can get over it. You have to make a change.
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Reply to Sunnydayze
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Okay.

In your home in Kansas live:
You
Your daughter and her fiancé
One dog
Three cats

One year ago, your mother was living with your brother in Texas. Your brother unfortunately had a stroke, and when that crisis happened you agreed to your mother moving to your home.

[That must have been quite a project, by the way, transporting her across states? How did you manage it?]

How long had your brother been your mother's primary caregiver?

So now here we are, and your brother has undergone rehab and he believes he is ready to come home. What does he mean by "home"? Does he mean going back to his own home, with whatever support he needs that can be arranged, or does he mean coming to live with you?

The aim of all these questions is to help you unravel all of the different demands on you, and your time, and then to explore how everyone's needs can be met. You are correct - there is only one of you, you cannot be everywhere at all times, and you yourself matter just as much as every other individual in the picture.

You're right to be sensitive to your cousin's feelings, but don't stop talking to him. He may welcome the opportunity both to unload how he is feeling after his loss, and at the same time help you benefit from his experience.

There may be other ways to get advice and at least moral support, even if you do live in quite a remote location. Respite for "a few hours a day" would be nice but sounds impractical, so don't pin all your hopes on that - but that doesn't mean nothing can change for the better.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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You've received many compassionate answers here. Are you going to start a dialogue and work toward a solution? Or did you come here to vent, and really don't want anything to change?
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Reply to Joycake
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PatShankle Oct 27, 2020
Im not gonna respond I thought we were on here to help each other.
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You can HOPE things get better. Or..
You can have ACTIVE HOPE.

Where you take action towards what you want to happen.

What do you want to happen?
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Reply to Beatty
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Is your brother actually getting discharged from the NH?
Or is this wishful conversations between him & your mom?
If he cannot function independently and cannot transition in & out of bed at all, he’s probably considered “bedfast” & a long term resident for a skilled nursing care facility, like where he is now. If he’s low income, he can apply for Texas LTC Medicaid program to pay for his room and board at the NH. He may already be on it. You do not have to take him into your home in another state. But realize if you do and he needs to go back into a NH, he will have to start totally new to get eligible for Medicaid in your state or he or you will have to private pay for his care.
Think a bit about if you could do whatever care your brother gets every day in his NH plus deal with your mom, your daughter and the pets.

If your knee or knees gave out, what then?
what if you too had a stoke like your brother did?
Your overwhelmed. But you have to think about your own health. And that means either that your mom hires caregivers to do for her so it’s not you 24/7 or she goes to a day program a few days per week or into a facility. She has social security monthly income that can be use to pay for caregivers. It might be that a new caregiver can amuse & cajole her to eat & more importantly, drink.

There also might be possibility of getting her on hospice. I know that hospice gets viewed often as it means they are about to die. But it’s more about they have enough health issues that there’s a probability that they might, just might, die in 6 months. Her MD would write orders for a hospice consultation. You as your moms DPOA can contact different hospice groups and find one you like & “fits” moms needs. Hospice through a local agency sends over a hospice worker 2-3 times a week for 1/2 day. A RN maybe once every 3 -4 weeks as well. They will do bathing, hygiene stuff, help them eat, monitor thier medications, do vitals etc. Hospice is a MediCARE benefit. And the hospice staff becomes a support person for you to talk to as well. My mom was on hospice for 18 months, hospice was amazing not only for the care but also they arranged for specialized bed and mattress and probiotic drinks. Again it’s totally a mediCARE benefit, whether at home or in a facility.
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Reply to igloo572
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Start by learning that if YOU refuse to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, The WHOLE THING collapses anyway.

You deserve respite, self care, and SELF COMPASSION.

If your mom and/or your brother need 24/7 care, PLEASE stop saying you “can’t put (them) in a home” because if YOU become disabled, SOMEONE will wind up calling the shots for ALL OF YOU, and NO ONE will accept the responsibility for the MOUNTAIN that you have taken on all by yourself.

There is NO ONE who will criticize you for what is going on in your life, and NO ONE will tell you that you can continue us this in a way that will be SAFE for you much longer.

If you have an attachment to a church, START THERE. Call the church and ask for resources to counseling for yourself, and resources to information about how to START addressing what you are doing, and how to find OTHER SOURCES for your vulnerable family members.

If you are not affiliated with a specific church, get a list of local churches online, and call them until you FIND one that is sympathetic to your situation.

DON’T SUGARCOAT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES when you describe them to sources of help. What you are doing is unfair TO YOU.

Google your local and county offices and ask if there are resources available for caregivers in your area.

EVERYONE who has been made physically and emotionally ill by caregiving has said “I can’t put her/him in a home” while at the same time making their own lives more and more impossible. Start considering YOURSELF as someone needing peace, good care, respite and kindness. THAT’S THE TRUTH!
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Reply to AnnReid
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From your profile: "I was kinda forced by the state of Texas to take my Mom because she was in Texas with my brother he had a stroke so she had no where to go. I can't put her in a home "

Can you explain how you were "kinda forced"?

You are already sacrificing your own physical and mental health to prop up this impossible situation. Are you ready to make some major changes so that life will get better for you?
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Reply to CTTN55
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