My parents (early-mid 70s) are still very independent, but they both have health issues that are increasingly starting to impact their abilities to perform yardwork, etc. My father especially seems to be exhibiting signs of dementia. Thankfully, they have a large house set up pretty well for multigenerational living, and my husband and I (no kids) live about an hour away now.
I work remotely full time and my husband can work remotely as needed (typically 2 days a week). We don't really have anything keeping us tied to our current home and location as he does a lot of online gaming with friends, and I am fairly introverted, mainly seeing a few key friends a couple of times a month or so. If we moved, I would have no problem making the drive up here to continue seeing them on that cadence.
I am wondering if it would be wise to broach this topic with them as my mother continues to share updates on how things are not going well there in regards to keeping up with the house and yard, and just Dad's increasing forgetfulness in general. We are already thinking of going down there to stay with them a few days here and there to be able to assist with the yardwork and other things as needed, but I am wondering if the answer would be to actually move down there to be able to better assist, and continue to do so as they continue to age.
Obviously it's a lot to still consider, but both my parents and myself are financially secure, and I am really feeling like this solution would work well for all involved. I think my biggest concern would be how to maintain a healthy level of privacy so that my introverted self does not get overwhelmed by the change, but I have read a lot of great self care tips on here, so I feel like I could make it work.
All that being said, I would love to hear others' input about this and any additional things that may need to be considered before bringing this idea to them. I feel like they would receive this idea well, and I know we would need to have a lot of house rules established to maintain boundaries and a plan that works for all, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you in advance!
Go into this with eyes wide open ,
Read threads here under the burn out caregiver topic. Especially the ones where the parent will not allow strangers in the house . They will not allow hired caregivers in the home. The adult child ( you ) become a care slave 24/7, changing diapers , washing soiled sheets everyday. Arguing , begging for Dad with dementia to shower . He will be an adult sized toddler . Meanwhile Mom will be angry at him for peeing on the floor , which you will be cleaning . This scenario only gets worse .
I also see the being an introvert a challenge living in your parents’ house . Elders rarely recognize boundaries especially when living in their home .
Many of us have attempted this , thinking they will be cooperative because we are willing to help . Many times it ended up the parent still wants to be in control of everything . I myself will never allow my children to live with me to take care of me .
Many people swoop in during a crises. Make a big decision like moving home & becoming a caregiver in a second (then learn through consequences if that was a smart idea or not).
Your first sentence:
"My parents (early-mid 70s) are still very independent.."
Think about this. Is it acurate?
We all start as dependant babies. Move through stages of growing independance to adulthood. Then aging arrives & we go full circle.
Your folks will become semi-independant (or already are). How do they want to tackle the next chapters of their lives?
If your Father is showing some cognitive decline, this will be important. Will your folks accept a team of helpers coming though their home to help them? Or would they prefer to downsize to something they can manage easier now? Maybe to a location with built in help to add-on as they need.
I would say to you, while it is thoughtful to want to help, knowing your own limits is wise.
Do you & your husband really want to be living the lifestyle of a couple in their 70's now? Because you will be. The needs grow, deepen, get stickier & have a way to swamp the caregiver's own life.
You have a husband who should come first. Why would you abandon him like that?
As an introvert myself, having so little time and space for yourself will make you insane. And if you think your parents will do what you ask, you are mistaken. Even though you’re an adult, in their eyes you are still the child.
As they age, you will become: a chauffeur, social worker, pharmacist, counselor, nurse, aide, and janitor all in one. And on call 24/7. Read the horror stories on here.
You and they are very fortunate to have the finances to manage care needs.
I implore you ... DO NOT move in.
Bottom line:
As their needs increase, you will encounter now unforeseen circumstances.
It will consume you. House rules and boundaries will be a distant dream.
Gena / Touch Matters
The one thing you can be CERTAIN you will need is hired on help.'
If caregiving of the elderly is something you enjoy, and if you are considered the downward trajectory of their needs which will become more and more difficult as you yourselves age, I think that's the most important thing to consider. Not unusual anymore for 100 year olds to have 80 year old attempting their care.
I would say the first most important thing is attending and Elder Law Attorney, making certain wills and POA are done. Shared living costs and etc. And then also deciding that the situation will be regularly re-evaluated, and when it isn't working for ONE of you, it is time for it to end for ALL of you. To me that means that at least for the first several years you do not sell your own home. Rent it out so that you can move back home if you make a decision to do so.
I stayed with my parents in their home (after my then 90 yr old dad was in the hospital for a week with covid.)
I was on call 24 hours a day. I was happy to help. Very eager to help. I felt I was doing a good job. My parents praised me like they've never praised me before(!).
Those 6 weeks allowed me to become intimate with my parents' specific needs.
Before that time, I would only visit for a weekend.
So on the plus side it took staying in their home full time week after week to get acquainted with just how poorly they were doing, and what specific areas they needed help in. Before the hospital stay, they would assure me they were fine.
I slept 4 hours each night, and my dad would wake throughout that time.
At first I had energy that came out of nowhere. I was on auto pilot.
But that didn't last.
I just could not care for my parents by myself. My desire to please my parents and take care of their every need, which increased by the week it seemed, was wearing me out.
There was definitely an emotional aspect to all of it. My dad said, "Well, you are the only daughter," as if it was my duty that my brothers did not have. I had never heard him speak like that to me before.
So my brother (their POA) and I decided it was best for my parents to move closer to him, to his warm climate state, in a smaller home that was elderly friendly (or we made it so).
Once we had moved our parents, I looked on Care.com and interviewed caregivers.
At first my parents had care three days a week, four hours each shift. They fought this hard! They referred to the first caregiver as their maid, bc they had had a maid once a week in their former home. They called her by their maid's name.
But eventually they relented and understood they needed care.
We were all happy that they were in a smaller, elderly friendly home. We knew we made the right decision.
As the months went by and my parents declined, we added M-F 9-2pm shifts.
Then a second shift, 2-10pm. Then more decline, then a third shift, 10pm to 9am, to make 24 full hours of in-home care that my parents finance. Though I have spent a good bit of money on making their life easier, plus travel, etc.
The additional caregivers were recommended by our first caregiver. We did have to let some caregivers go. It was a process of finding the right fit.
So, elder care can be done in-home, if that route works for you and your family.
However...I could not have continued doing it myself. No way. I get tired just thinking about it.
I spent the second half of last year recuperating from being heavily involved the year and a half after their move. I was burned out.
So from one introvert to another, I hope my experience can give you some insight and help you make a decision one way or another. Hugs!
(Fast forward two years later and my parents are both on hospice. Still in home. Still with 24 hour caregivers.)
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