My Dad died many years ago leaving my Mom home alone and with no friends except her sister (never were many friends if any). We grew up in a house that my Mom's father built, however the house had many many serious problems, things I couldn't tackle and issues that would require major dollars for a house not worth much.
My Mom's sister recently passed and now she is alone. We moved my Mom into our home, we have a beautiful finished basement with shower, bedroom, living room and mini kitchenette. There were prior conversations about living arrangements and need for space but they are no longer remembered. My Mom spends all day upstairs and just sits and watches TV, she routinely takes over part of the home we designated as our space, not that at times she isn't welcome and we do all eat together. My mom forgets prior conversations which means we have to talk about them over and over. These conversations don't go well. We moved my mom in because she didn't take of herself and I was either going to the hospital or running over to her house because a neighbor was calling. I have two brothers and a sister and for reason neither will assist, just a reality I have to live with.
Accompanied my mother to her last doctor's appointment where I learned some prior care history. My mother is addicted to lorazapan (some serious side effects with this drug), a very serious drug. Current doctor wants her off it but is afraid of the withdrawal symptoms at her age. Today, we had another conversation about needing family time and space, she went downstairs angry and hurt. No matter how much I try to explain its not personal she either doesn't understand or chooses not to understand but in either case the conversation details will have been forgotten and we'll be back here again in about 3-4 weeks. We have our own family stresses and now job concerns and this layered on top of it all. Fortunately we are not dealing with big financial issues but no where near the point of paying for $10k per month assisted living neither me or my mom. Im not regularly dealing with guilt, I'm doing the best I can but I also can't continue with these 4 week conversations, they are difficult and emotionally hard on all of us because one party doesn't understand the request and reasons why. I know if I chose to leave my mom in her house she likely would have passed by now and I wouldn't have wanted that. Id go over and shed be in the back bedroom, all the blinds drawn and curled up on a small couch, the house would stink and what food was in the house was rotten. My mother did drive during this time but now no longer. We need some long term relief, we can't even go away for a weekend or go on vacation. Two of my siblings rarely even call to talk with my mother, the whole situation is just very sad. I am the only working sibling and though my mother looks to us for companionship its not easy to offer after working a stressful job, taking care of the house, grocery shopping and cooking not to mention my own families needs. Mom won't do adult daycare, we've asked repeatedly. At the end of the day my concern is there is no workable solution to my situation.
And thankfully your siblings were smart enough not to even try and tackle caring for their mom.
It sounds like perhaps your mom has some dementia which may be made worse by the medication she's on, and that will only continue to get worse. So if you think things are bad now, just wait.
It's time now to talk with your siblings about getting your mom placed in the appropriate facility, that she will pay for, not any of you.
And if money is an issue she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
You are NOT responsible for your mom, but you are responsible for your spouse and marriage, so you must now do what is best for your spouse and your marriage, and that more than likely will include getting your mom out of your house.
And until then you don't ask your mom if she wants to do this or that, but instead you TELL her what she will be doing if she's wanting to continue living in your house, until you find the proper placement.
I wish you well in taking your life back and getting your mom placed sooner than later.
Your mum sounds lonely, as well as cognitively impaired. Assisted living or memory care (whichever Medicaid will pay for and is appropriate) would mean that your mum isn't alone all day.
Your mum would likely resist having to move out, but you should be firm for both her sake and your own. Don't feel guilty about doing the right thing.
Also, don't feel guilty about wanting to live your own life.
In-home Medicaid help is called an Elder Waiver but almost always is NOT full-time, like in a facility.
Hospice is covered by our Medicare benefit.
Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic and reason. They lose their ability to have empathy for others. They are more and more lost in time and space, and retain mostly only what's in their long-term memory. You keep attempting to get her to buy in to solutions but she is not able to ponder it, or remember it.
Please take her back to the doctor and give her a cognitive and memory test. It may not matter what type of dementia she has, only that her symptoms are not being caused by something that's treatable. There are many things that can cause dementia-like symptoms. One would be over-medication. Does she give herself the Ativan? Or do you? If you're leaving it for her to do it, she may be overdosing herself.
There is a workable solution, if you accept it as such. She gets a proper diagnosis and you work to transition her into a good facility. She does not get to "drive the bus". She' no longer capable. You're on the bus with her and she's imparied. You now need to commandeer the bus. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you help her get diagnosed and plan her future care.
honestly, I think you have lost your mind a bit with that one.
Get a diagnosis and get the ball rolling to move to phase 2 of moms new life. THIS is precisely why doctors can no longer write prescriptions for large amounts of benzos or opioids. Because they put holes in our brains.