My father (80) has advanced dementia. My mother (78) was healthy and is his caregiver. They live 2 hours away from me. My mom was just told that she has bone cancer in her jaw bone, her Dr. was able to get her into a specialist better suited for the cancer near me in a much bigger city. I moved out of their house when I was 18, I’m 53 now and staying and visiting with them is hard when more than 24 hours. The issues have nothing to do with dementia, just personality differences with my mom especially since my dad can no longer play a role in the relationship (I’m also an only child). My house is not tiny but is VERY open not a lot of privacy anywhere. We do not have a course of treatment as of yet but do know it will at least require part of her jaw being removed so their stay will not be short when we get to that phase. I guess I’m just asking of anyone has had a similar circumstance and how did you navigate ?
He will get the care that he needs 24/7.
If possible in the same facility if there is Assisted Living for mom. She also would have 24/7 care if and when she needs it.
This would not place the caregiving burden on you. You will have your hands full as a Care Manager for both of them.
side note...my Grandma had the same type of cancer 60 + years ago. My dad was caregiver for her (his MIL by the way), my mom had died and Grandma was "helping" to care for my sister and I. I can tell you even from the perspective of a child (me) the recovery was tough and there was no rehab nor PT or OT way back in the olden days.
Don't move in your mom. I'm sure she knows there are personality issues between you, so why give her more to deal with as she faces major surgery and a long recovery? Let her be taken care of by professionals who can be objective. You're not. That's probably a good thing right now because you need to stay strong and healthy for this ordeal. Moving any parent into your home could take you out of the equation due to stress and misery. If you're sidelined, that's not good for any of you.
I'm so sorry you're facing this, but please heed what we are telling you. Home care is NOT sustainable or desirable in this case. AT ALL.
Please do not take on a situation you KNOW will bring you chaos and misery. Believe me when I tell you you'll have a TON to do for them in managed care as it is w/o having to also deal with them usurping your peace at home. Having a safe haven to return to where you can sleep in peace is priceless. The dementia alone will rock your world, and not in a good way.
Best of luck.
Reading your responses, I think that all agree, this is more than you should attempt to take on. You cannot now imagine how difficult this is going to be. Encourage your parents to enter care in your vicinity. You can always tell them that this is a "temporary until mom is healed". That will not rob them of hope. But I suspect this will be a permanent move.
My worry for you is that the time factor is going to make you AGREE to do something you already know isn't doable at BEST, and this, trust this old nurse, is in no way going to be "the best".
I am currently dealing with a cancer myself, and at 82, I can tell you in all honesty I am HAPPY for my daughter that she doesn't live here. You get sucked in, slowly or quickly, and before you know it you are circling the drain.
Remember, Scampie here is a caregiver by profession.
Don't do this. Once you get roped into it with a mom fighting an illness you will feel beholden to hang on trying to do the unadoable.
Don't do this.
Dad can be placed in a memory care unit where he will have access to twenty- four hour care. Employees in these facilities work in shifts. If you take this on yourself, you will be on call twenty four hours and seven days a week with little to no downtime.
Mom can go to a rehab after surgery if all else fails. If and when she decides to return home, a social worker can set up home care services in the home. Aides can drive and accompany mom to chemo treatments, run errands, pick up meds, light housekeeping, grocery shopping, laundry, help with showers and such. Aides can sit with the client for companionship. If she decides to stay in the facility, she will become a resident of that facility. The medical staff will see to her receiving treatments and proper medical care.
I did caregiving for my mom and younger sister, and trust me it took years off my life. If I didn't have that caregiving situation to deal with, I probably would have sought out a better job and had a much better retirement. I was a young caregiver in my early thirties. I didn't have time to properly date or meet eligible men my age. My jobs were mainly panic picks to keep food on the table while I wrestled with college. My daughter would tease me and say that I acted like I had pms every day. Now that's bad. It is hard to manage several lives and problems on top of your own. I got the gray hair to prove it.
As to what level of care and for how long your mom will need it, I would get lots of advice from her doctor on what to expect. Ask if they can give you names of others who have been treated for this. Do not plan for the best case scenario!
Ideally you will find a continuum of care place nearby you that you like and they have MC for your dad, and at least temporary AL for your mom while she recovers or adjusts to her new reality. Then she could move to Independent living if she gets totally “well” or more likely stay in AL. She would be able to visit him either way. You would be able to visit them both.
So often people (including me and my parents) put in the bare minimum of what is required so there is constant re-evaluation and readjustment needed. I wish I had prepared for what was coming 2+ years later rather than what they needed right then when I moved my parents near me when my dad had dementia.
All dementia patients decline over time. We don’t know your mom’s prognosis so that is where you seek further input.
Good luck! Best wishes.
I, strongly, encourage you to look into a facility for them.
You need to work and there will be no way for you to work and care for a demented dad and a sick mom, it's unrealistic and to be frank, so unfair and selfish that she would even ask.
Please DO NOT do this, it will wreck you; body and soul.
I would present it as, "Mom you are going to need lots of care, Dad already needs lots of care and I need to work, there is no way that we can do this. You and Dad both need a good, strong advocate and living together under the care requirements will leave me too wiped out to be anything good for any of us."
Be prepared to face F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) from her. You have to remain strong and stand up for the reality of the situation. There is NO WAY you can do this alone. It is okay to say this will not work, no you can't come, even if you already agreed. Learning how say no to our parents is a challenge but, you are no longer a child under their command.
May The Lord give you strength and guidance to get them into the appropriate care situation and to be able to stand up for what is fair to you.
My thought really here is that placement in care in ALF is the best way to go here; it would net mom some skilled nursing rehab time, and Dad would be in care. I don't know however, how advanced his dementia is and if he would be safe in ALF.
I really worry for you in this screnario. I think you are going to need a whole lot of help. I don't really see what choice you have in this. If you are working I can't see how that would work other than hiring in care which is quite expensive. You don't say what their assets are, but if it is a home, you need to be sure a solid POA is set in place before any surgeries, and I think that home is going to need to be sold so that they can get some care whether in placement or in your home. Think also now about HOW to get some privacy here. It is going to be sorely needed for sanity.
I hope you will update us as you go along.
I hope you will go with mom during eval and options. I myself, approaching the 80 mark, might forego radiation, allowing that this cancer is likely to take me, and do radiation to try to shrink it, allowing for some quality of life for the remainder of life. A very personal decision. And I think a doctor should give ALL treatment options to be weighed by your mom. I would then move into care with hubby and have us near as they can to only daughter for support in what is essentially end of life care.
Do you know if there has been a PET Scan? I think it is important now to know whether this cancer has already done any spreading at all.
I sure do wish you good luck. I sure hope you'll update us.
A crises of care & accomodation.
They will need much help to navigate it.
I completely agree with MicheleDL.
If they do not have any legal docs available for you to access their finances and sell off assets, you should also consult an elder attorney.
End of day you need to look after your own health and wellbeing as well. I think you should seek professional help for your mother.