My MIL has lived with us for about seven months. She can toilet herself, bathe herself, but she cannot manage her medications, will not eat without having her meals prepared and she mostly sits in the recliner all day. We have five children, ages ranging from 1-15 years old. My husband has been unemployed for the last five months and has taken on all the caregiving responsibilities for his mom. She is very entitled- I am learning that is pretty typical- and can be rude. Having all the kids around, we have a busy home and family! She can be left alone, but not for long swaths of time. She complains nearly constantly if she is left alone at all. She dominates the TV and if we want to change the channel or watch something else, she complains. She complains about the noise and the baby. She will not spend time in her own room/space where she does have her own tv. She says she will but she does not seem to want to. We moved the three boys into one bedroom and finished the basement, adding windows and creating new bedrooms so she could have her own space. I thought once everybody had their own space, things would improve but they have not. She deals with incontinence and she will not get up to change her depends though she is capable of doing so. When she would finally get up, she would sometimes leave a trail of urine on the floor. I told her finally that I need her to change more frequently because the baby is crawling around and that is not sanitary or safe. We put pads down on the furniture, but it's a sensitive subject and hard to manage.
My husband gets very agitated when I express myself to him, but I am at the end of my rope. I feel so guilty that I can't just grin and bear it or just look at it as service and be happy or content with serving her in this way. I feel so guilty when I say anything about it being difficult. I am very worried about the effect this may have on my kids, especially because I am not handling things well. On the outside, I think things look okay, but I feel myself changing my behavior to avoid the situation. We took a respite weekend and she stayed in an AL apartment and we took the kids to Holiday World, and it was so lovely, but as soon as we returned, everything went back to the way it was. My husband and my relationship is strained, and he feels put in the middle. I am feeling myself avoiding her and avoiding home. I will take the kids out to avoid being there. It just isn't working. My husband suggests that I work on my relationship with his mom. It is just hard and I don't know what to do.
Oh my, I hope this isn't more of a marriage issue than it is a MIL issue, as any man that would put his moms well-being over his wife's and children's is no man at all, but is a mama's boy. And that is NEVER good for a marriage.
You deserve better and your children deserve better!
And no child should have to worry about crawling through grandmas pee on the floor, because she's too lazy to change her Depends more often. That is down right disgusting.
The only real solution here is to have your MIL move into an assisted living facility(that she pays for not you) where she can be around other folks her own age and have all the control she wants over her TV.
Either that or you move out and take the children with you and let your hubby and MIL live happily ever after. The choice is yours.
She probably knows this and is using it as advantage to how she acts, hence also going in her depends, then leaving a trail of urine on the floor when she gets up out of the chair, knowing she won't be the one to clean that up. as one example.
Why is she living there in the first place? Does she pay any rent, or buy any food?
Where (and how) was she living before you moved her into your home?
After 7 months, I'd be ready to get the Senior Brat out of there! Your husband is unemployed 5 months (so has had plenty of exposure to) and has not gotten sick of his Mom's selfishness YET?
He needs to face reality. This situation will destroy his marriage and family, which should be his top priority. He needs to either get control over his rude Mother, or find somewhere else for her to live.
He made marriage vows to you, not his Mother. She is a burden that neither of you need right now.
You need to set your husband right. You don't have to work on your relationship with his mother. He has to work on his relationship with YOU. A married man is not supposed to put his mother before his wife. Remind him that he took a vow of 'forsaking all others' when he married you. That doesn't just mean not having other women. That means you come before all others and all things in his life. Including his mother and his children. Hold him to it.
Your MIL is moving out. This must be without question. Your husband must be made to understand that either his mother moves into assisted living or your marriage moves into the divorce court.
You need to be really firm. Either she moves out or you move out with the kids.
Tell your husband that if he wants you to work on your relationship with his mother, he will not like it. You will law down the law and you won't be nice about it...or he can convey the new rules in a nicer manner.
He is in the middle because he won't man up and pick a side. Tell him he needs to get this right because if he leaves you to deal with it you won't be nice.
That said, she is clearly not able to live in your home due to her incontinence, inability to live peacefully with others, rudeness and ingratitude. How awful for your children to have to live this way! It is not okay. She's beyond what is tolerable. Please don't tolerate it anymore for your sake as well as the childrens'.
I don't see this ending well. If husband is telling himself he cannot take a job because he has to stay home and take care of his mom, how do you get out of that mindset? If he does take a job, are you expected to take care of mom AND five kids? Impossible. Mom already needs one caregiver 24/7 and is headed toward that not being enough.
My sympathies to you, I wish the situation were better. The only advice I can offer is to put yourself and the kids first and let husband and mom be their own separate clan. How to do that is up to you, and I wish you luck.
Maybe not so much a Mama's boy but maybe a lot of guilt. Tell him her living there is not working because she will not do anything to help herself. First, she has an area of her own. Thats were she needs to stay. The kids need the rest of the house for themselves. She needs to change her briefs more often. Maybe get herself up every 2 hours and go to the bathroom. She can and needs to do more for herself. He is enabling her. When he goes back to work, you will not be waiting on her. He and his Mom need to understand that the house is yours. That she needs to acclimate herself to your rules not the other way around. If she wants to be waited on, and has the money, she needs to go to an AL. You will not be her servant. You have 5 kids to care for.
Also the detail about finishing the basement to add bedrooms makes me worry that MIL’s finances have been commingled with yours and your husband’s. I hope not— that makes this whole thing harder to disentangle.
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