It's been two-and-a-half years since my mom moved in with me. At first I dealt with it by us going out for breakfast and then I would take her home to watch Dr and I would go for a walk for about a half hour which meant being away for about an hour. after about a year that petered out. Last year I didn’t do much. This year I want to get back into walking but she is so inconsistent that I try to sleep when I can at night and during the day. I am a light sleeper and take a while to get to sleep.
today she was grilling me on what to do when she goes to the bathroom which went on and on for four hours. she says she doesn’t know what to do and wants me to pretty much stand at the bathroom door and babysit her on what to do. I say no and tell her she knows what to do and to go do it. two seconds after she’s in the bathroom she’s yelling at me to come there as she needs help. I sometimes go but get mad because she will ask about every thing or I wont go and then she wants to tell me all about it which I don’t need or care to know. She is mostly obsessed with putting a piece if toilet paper inside her underwear in case anything leaks and wants to do that first and finish going to the bathroom after that,
I will tell her what to do (number one, number two, wipe and then your top in your underwear) but then she says she doesn’t know what to do. i will angrily ask her what I just said and she doesn’t know, I don’t know if that’s a habit, she’s not listening or not understanding it.
I get sick and tired of repeating myself. it sucks the life out of me. and I had a cat getting sick tonight and she’s yelling me to come to the bathroom, oblivious to me saying just a minute because I am busy! I have other things to do and she has got so self centered that its all about her.
and she asks what to do in the bathroom and why wont I help her when I am exhausted from saying over and over what to do and an asking her to be quiet so we can watch something on the iPad. she doesn’t me to tell her until she has to go but wants me to keep telling her over and over and over forever,
what do you do? distract her? I am just about at the end of my rope and if I start crying that used to make her back off but not anymore. some days i want to drive away and leave her somewhere for some respite time but am not sure how to do that or if i would take her back.
any advice would be great before I commit her. Thanks.
She, like you when you were 2 or 3 or 4, needs guidance.
She, like you when you were a child, needs reassurance that someone she trusts is there to help when she needs it.
Placing mom in a Memory Care facility will provide her with the help and guidance that she needs now and as she declines her needs will only increase. If you can not manage it now it will not get easier.
Many people think placing a loved one in any facility Memory Care, Skilled Nursing means that they have failed at taking care of their loved one. What it means is that the care of their loved one has reached a point that they can no longer safely care for them at home. (when I say safely I do not just mean physical safety but mental, emotional as well. And not just the safety of the person being cared for but the person providing the care.)
hiring caregivers can also take much of the burden off you. Use mom's funds to pay for caregivers a few days a week OR find an Adult Day Program in your area that she can participate in. This will give you both a break. It is amazing what a break of a few hours a day a few days a week can make.
You'll be doing her a favor. She doesn't want to see you crying anymore than you want to cry. You both deserve a better situation, and it's up to you to make that happen because she can't. She really CAN'T.
If you think this is bad, here are some of the possibilities ahead: Mom pulls all the toilet paper off the roll and flushes it. (Of course, it doesn't, then what will you do?) Mom hoards used toilet paper. You find it in your bed, under her pillow, in a kitchen drawer. Mom doesn't know what poop is, and she carries it around, hides it, spreads it. Those are just the toilet things. Other events to look forward to: She wanders down the street wearing no clothes. She puts clothes in the toilet (they are often fascinated by toilets). She falls, blood everywhere, middle of the night and you have to get her to the hospital. She destroys things in the house. She eats bugs. She turns on the stove and leaves an egg to boil forever. The stench awakens you. She eats hearing aids. She puts non-food items in the microwave and turns it on. The possibilities are endless and scary as well as life-threatening for both of you.
Quit while you're ahead. Re-home mom.
I understand your upset, dealing with this is not easy. First thing I would do is educate yourself on dementia. Teepa Snow has some great YouTube videos on this, and many others. It sounds like your mom is Shadowing you, she is understandably very scared , of what is happening, and you are her safe place. You can explain to her , what to do in the bathroom all day long, but the fact is she can not remember, and she is not going to remember, this will just get worse and worse.
I would suggest to get her pads for bladder leaks. Bottom line mom doesn't know what to do in the bathroom, she isn't going to learn, she is incapable of learning anymore.
It does sound like it's time to put her in a facility, sounds like memory care facility would be best.
Please get mom to the doctors first, there are medications that may help her bathroom anxiety.
It can be very difficult living with someone with a broken brain .
Place Mom . She will have a village to care for her instead of just one burned out adult child.
She likely really does need assistance using the toilet. That is a thing. It's a thing that CNA's help people with. You can take on the role of Assistant, or if it is becoming too much for you, then, yes, it is time for her to go to assisted living, or memory care, or a skilled nursing facility. You could hire in-home aides, but unless you have 24 hour coverage, then you are still going to be facing frustrating moments like toileting mom in the middle of the night - which could last an hour. And repeating yourself over and over because you think she is going to understand.
Yes, definitely try a respite stay for her. You don't need to have an end date, in fact it would be better if you went into it planning as long term. It's not a prison. You can take her home again at any time. But, I would use that time to focus on your physical and emotional well-being. AND, take time to learn as much as you can about dementia (or specifically, her condition), which might better prepare you mentally to deal with some of the behaviors.
You are allowing yourself to become frustrated with behaviors that she can't help. She can't change her behavior and neither can you. Learn to work with her needs and her understanding, instead of fighting over it. And, if it is still too much for you to handle, it is time for full-time in a care facility.
You start it by asking her doctor to make the referral. The doctor may want you to choose the facility. If you haven't already, call and schedule a tour with an admissions director of more than one facility. Bring a list of questions, so you won't forget to ask something important. Look the place over and find out whether it is a fit for your mother's needs.