My parents (early-mid 70s) are still very independent, but they both have health issues that are increasingly starting to impact their abilities to perform yardwork, etc. My father especially seems to be exhibiting signs of dementia. Thankfully, they have a large house set up pretty well for multigenerational living, and my husband and I (no kids) live about an hour away now.
I work remotely full time and my husband can work remotely as needed (typically 2 days a week). We don't really have anything keeping us tied to our current home and location as he does a lot of online gaming with friends, and I am fairly introverted, mainly seeing a few key friends a couple of times a month or so. If we moved, I would have no problem making the drive up here to continue seeing them on that cadence.
I am wondering if it would be wise to broach this topic with them as my mother continues to share updates on how things are not going well there in regards to keeping up with the house and yard, and just Dad's increasing forgetfulness in general. We are already thinking of going down there to stay with them a few days here and there to be able to assist with the yardwork and other things as needed, but I am wondering if the answer would be to actually move down there to be able to better assist, and continue to do so as they continue to age.
Obviously it's a lot to still consider, but both my parents and myself are financially secure, and I am really feeling like this solution would work well for all involved. I think my biggest concern would be how to maintain a healthy level of privacy so that my introverted self does not get overwhelmed by the change, but I have read a lot of great self care tips on here, so I feel like I could make it work.
All that being said, I would love to hear others' input about this and any additional things that may need to be considered before bringing this idea to them. I feel like they would receive this idea well, and I know we would need to have a lot of house rules established to maintain boundaries and a plan that works for all, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you in advance!
Do not do this. You will cease to be their daughter and become an unpaid caregiver.
It is sometimes hard to set boundaries in the same home even in the best of situations. With increasingly needy aging parents, it’s impossible.
I'm sorry to say I don't see you be able to continue on the same cadence. Task creep is real. They will get very used to having you around. I don't live with my parents and already have a hard time seeing friends as by the time I leave here I'm often drained mentally with no energy left for much.
Especially if dad is already exhibiting dementia signs. Would they be open to selling and moving to a continuing care community.
Every situation is different, your comment about seeing friends is the one that jumped out at me. I wish you the best with your decision.
As for living with them in their large, lovely home: I can see moving in with parents with the right setup. I personally would insist from the getgo they hire an aide. This way they get used to having a stranger in the house before cognitive impairment starts to kick in and it becomes hard to reason with them. Also getting landscaping services occassionally so when you don't feel up to doing it yourself anymore, they will be there to pick up the slack. And definitely taking vacations without them and maybe even spending a month somewhere we else each year. In short, if you think it is likely you are going to be living with them anyway, it would be much easier to establish patterns and expectations now than later on.
I'm not in the "No" camp...I think it always depends. My mom, who was 94, moved in with me and I cared for her in her final years. While at times it was stressful, difficult and time consuming, I'm glad I was in a position to do it and don't regret it for a minute. She was the epitome of a sweet little old lady.
You got a lot of good feedback here. Only your family can decide it this is an arrangement that can work (and have options if it doesn't).
It’s time to ensure they have their wills, estate plan, and medical and financial POA updated if it has not been in the past 5 years or so, and then have dad assessed for dementia, including driving ability and ability to manage business and financial affairs.
Next, tour some independent or assisted living places or better yet continuum of care places in your area. They can come too.
If they resist this idea, the other option when their health declines further would be home health aides, and possible live-ins aides. Today it’s yard work. Next it will be laundry and cleaning, then meal prep becomes too difficult. Eventually, bathing and personal care. Escalating health problems.
Point out to them that they are now at a stage where they have choices. If they delay until there is a crisis (and it will come), they won’t have as much of a choice.
If you move in with them, do you want to plan the next potentially 20 years of your life around this? Every meal, every vacation, every decision you and your husband make? By the time it’s over, you will be the age they are now or close to it. You or your husband may face significant health challenges of your own along the way. What would that mean for them if they rely on you to make their meals and do their laundry?
You have received many other great suggestions about testing the moving in with them idea. I echo everyone else’s comments there. Their needs and dependency are going to increase. No one knows the rate of decline or the timeframe, but it can and probably will snowball and the more you make yourself their crutch and their savior and their solution, the less the other options will be something they will consider.
Read more threads on here and ask yourself how you will deal with it if those situations come to pass.
Drawing the line or setting the boundary is a lot easier at this stage and when you aren’t living with them.
I know families that multigenerational living works well for them and they are all doing great, mostly because they have tons of respect for one another and great communication skills. No mean, selfish, unappreciative, non pleasable, angry or abusive people among them, that makes a whole lot of difference.
One thing I would caution, house rules, you need to get both parents on board with the idea that you and hubby moving in means it is no longer just their house. It will be ALL of yours house and that means everyone is involved with making and modifying house rules, which really needs to be a rule, that if the rules aren't working for everyone, then time to modify so they do.
Your parents are not really independent any longer and that will only get worse as they age. Be sure and get the rules covered about bringing in paid help, and how that payment will work. I would encourage you to start having them hire some of the things dad can no longer do, like yard work. Get them use to letting go with paid help, especially while they are able to deal with it, it will help them be more independent until decisions are made.
Personally, I think it is a good idea if it is truly feasible that it will work for all involved.
So many of us are here because we had parents that this situation devoured us or tried to. Not every situation is the same and not every parent relationship is the same. You know yours and you know how your parents truly are, so make your decision from there. But, I would caution you to have an exit agreement in the event dementia changes the people your parents are, because it can and in ways we could never imagine.
If you choose this route, I pray that you can all live contentedly with one another.
Your parents will need increasingly more help as they age. Both parents need to be regularly evaluated by a medical doctor and a dentist. Your dad may need to be evaluated and treated for his "forgetfulness" by a neurologist - to determine cause (many types of dementia) and treatment (available for early dementia of most types). Establishing a relationship with their care providers will help to get them whatever assistance as they age - besides your excellent care.
If you and your spouse do well as their helpers/caregivers, you need to establish a larger group of helpers. Seek help from other family members, friends, members of your/their faith community, paid help... There will be times when you and your spouse need to be away from them and you need those folks to step in at those times. It helps to establish having somebody coming in to help them at least weekly now while they can adjust quickly to having others helping them, in addition to your help.
You and they are very fortunate to have the finances to manage care needs.
I implore you ... DO NOT move in.
Bottom line:
As their needs increase, you will encounter now unforeseen circumstances.
It will consume you. House rules and boundaries will be a distant dream.
Gena / Touch Matters
You and your husband can move closer to them maybe less than a hour away, but then again an hour away in my opinion seems about right. That woule be the call of you and your husband though.
I would not suggest you move in with them though. If you do know what you will be in for and beware.
You have a husband who should come first. Why would you abandon him like that?
As an introvert myself, having so little time and space for yourself will make you insane. And if you think your parents will do what you ask, you are mistaken. Even though you’re an adult, in their eyes you are still the child.
As they age, you will become: a chauffeur, social worker, pharmacist, counselor, nurse, aide, and janitor all in one. And on call 24/7. Read the horror stories on here.
And never quit your job. You require working for your own future care someday!
It would give you a chance to see how they are doing and what they are struggling with. I would caution you before moving in full time with family - not only could you get on one-another's nerves, as long time house guests can, but as your parent's health declines, as it inevitably will, they may require more help than you are able to provide. And, if they start to feel dependent on you, they may start asking you for more help than they truly need, and more of your undivided attention.
If you do make the decision to move in with them, be sure to set the boundaries clearly and early. Have a group discussion and allow each person to share their boundary expectations. Then, have regular family meetings to re-assess everyone's needs and grievances. If you all get along well and are easy-going, then this could be a great opportunity to enjoy living with extended family.
I stayed with my parents in their home (after my then 90 yr old dad was in the hospital for a week with covid.)
I was on call 24 hours a day. I was happy to help. Very eager to help. I felt I was doing a good job. My parents praised me like they've never praised me before(!).
Those 6 weeks allowed me to become intimate with my parents' specific needs.
Before that time, I would only visit for a weekend.
So on the plus side it took staying in their home full time week after week to get acquainted with just how poorly they were doing, and what specific areas they needed help in. Before the hospital stay, they would assure me they were fine.
I slept 4 hours each night, and my dad would wake throughout that time.
At first I had energy that came out of nowhere. I was on auto pilot.
But that didn't last.
I just could not care for my parents by myself. My desire to please my parents and take care of their every need, which increased by the week it seemed, was wearing me out.
There was definitely an emotional aspect to all of it. My dad said, "Well, you are the only daughter," as if it was my duty that my brothers did not have. I had never heard him speak like that to me before.
So my brother (their POA) and I decided it was best for my parents to move closer to him, to his warm climate state, in a smaller home that was elderly friendly (or we made it so).
Once we had moved our parents, I looked on Care.com and interviewed caregivers.
At first my parents had care three days a week, four hours each shift. They fought this hard! They referred to the first caregiver as their maid, bc they had had a maid once a week in their former home. They called her by their maid's name.
But eventually they relented and understood they needed care.
We were all happy that they were in a smaller, elderly friendly home. We knew we made the right decision.
As the months went by and my parents declined, we added M-F 9-2pm shifts.
Then a second shift, 2-10pm. Then more decline, then a third shift, 10pm to 9am, to make 24 full hours of in-home care that my parents finance. Though I have spent a good bit of money on making their life easier, plus travel, etc.
The additional caregivers were recommended by our first caregiver. We did have to let some caregivers go. It was a process of finding the right fit.
So, elder care can be done in-home, if that route works for you and your family.
However...I could not have continued doing it myself. No way. I get tired just thinking about it.
I spent the second half of last year recuperating from being heavily involved the year and a half after their move. I was burned out.
So from one introvert to another, I hope my experience can give you some insight and help you make a decision one way or another. Hugs!
(Fast forward two years later and my parents are both on hospice. Still in home. Still with 24 hour caregivers.)
Know when you can no longer help and become caregivers instead of their loving children,this is the worst thing ever! We all have lost that love and you just can't go back to being loved like that.
You're a (I assume) happy couple. If you'd like to remain that way, encourage your parents to have regular help come in, and perhaps sell their home and move into senior facilities.
Don't sell your freedom, unless you're okay with opt-in slavery.
As an introvert, you will have a hard time with Dementia. People who have Dementia become needy, they follow you around. Can't stand you out of their site.
I would say your Dad needs a full physical to see if something physical is causing his memory loss. Being low on vitamins, like B12 and minerals can cause problems. Low potassium can cause problems.
The one thing you can be CERTAIN you will need is hired on help.'
If caregiving of the elderly is something you enjoy, and if you are considered the downward trajectory of their needs which will become more and more difficult as you yourselves age, I think that's the most important thing to consider. Not unusual anymore for 100 year olds to have 80 year old attempting their care.
I would say the first most important thing is attending and Elder Law Attorney, making certain wills and POA are done. Shared living costs and etc. And then also deciding that the situation will be regularly re-evaluated, and when it isn't working for ONE of you, it is time for it to end for ALL of you. To me that means that at least for the first several years you do not sell your own home. Rent it out so that you can move back home if you make a decision to do so.