What do you do when your parent makes a decision and siblings blame it on you?

Follow
Share

My parents decided that there were some things that my siblings were doing that were not acceptable in their home. They were afraid of their temper, but did mention ONE of the issues. I live with them and have POA and now they are ganging up on me and claiming that I am the one 'putting ideas into parent's brains.' Got a smear campaign going and basically trying to stress me out. Also wanting POA though parents named me many years ago. Suddenly they are very interested in financial matters....feel very bullied.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
35

Answers

Show:
Oh my! I have POA because I was tired of being bullied. Been living with mom for 5+ years and caring for her more intently last 2-3 years. No one calls or visits. Or it is the obligatory hour. I have been diapering her for months and now I am learning using a feeding tube. Sisters are furious I have POA! Are you kidding me?! I got POA because otherwise mom would be in a home & I would be her only visitor. I also got POA to protect myself from their bullying. I am actually afraid of them at times!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

My sister is only interested in her "inheritance" which I have pointed out to her is not an inheritance until someone dies. I am POA (financial and health) I have been caring for my 93 yr old mom for years and finally cut off communications with my sister (in another state). It has always been a struggle. She is a narcissist just like our mother. You put the two together and my blood pressure is out the roof. A few months ago my mother started a ruckus with my sister over things she had taken over the years after our fathers death. When I was informed by my mother what she had done I put a block on my phone to guard against the inevitable nasty phone calls demanding that I do something. She has been stealing from our Mother for years. It's just impossible for her now that mom isn't in the same town as her and living with me. Thanks to the advice on this site I stopped being the "fixer" and make them fix their own messes. The only one I am obligated to take care of is our mother. I have been informed continually that all they want is their "inheritance" and do not want to know if she is sick or dying. Disgusting but happens more than I thought in families. It has been so peaceful without my sister and her family harassing me with their greedy demands. Thank goodness for my POA. Otherwise my mother would be destitute and stripped of her belongings that they feel are valuable. My advice is to stand your ground and shut out the nasty noise. Easier said than done, but solid advice that does help!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I am so sorry you are going through this. Know this is extremely common and that this community loves and supports you . There is typically one care taker in the family. I was told by a nurse friend ( she had been a nurse for 35 years) that if I accepted being POA to be prepared to have siblings cut me off, blame me and trash my character. She said she saw it happen over and over. This has been my experience. Other people will step up and support you. You will be shown who truely loves you. I am praying for you and sending you hugs!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

With elder financial abuse being so common, it's very easy to be suspicious. What I would do is just speak to your parents and encourage them to speak for themselves to the people who are ganging up on you
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Livingsouth, get used to it. Caegiving is not for the faint of heart, you need a very thick skin. I cared for mom for four years and the onslaughts continued the entire time from my twisted sisters. One advantage of your situation is that you have the POA, I did not, so made everything very difficult. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Sibling issues are pretty common. I think what you need to ask yourself is if you are okay doing this alone, or might you want the help of your siblings? I was the only local adult, and shared the POA rights with my sister who was 4 hours away by plane. We set up family conference calls to discuss issues and share, as well as put in rules about how we engaged with each other. We included our two brothers. When the big stuff went down, they were incredibly helpful and facing this journey together made us better siblings. We had our share of disagreements.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Then if you feel bullied, write each of the same letter, spell out your concerns, and tell them you will no longer be bullied, your parents trusted you with their lives, and any communication will be stopped until they stop harassing you. As POA, you have the authority to stop all communication with them. Sounds like a good time to start, and you stop whining about it. You have to mature sometime. Now is the time! (I had the same siblings).
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sadly, this is common. When things start getting bad with the parents, the children start wanting to be sure they have some control. I am a former skilled home health nurse in addition to being a current adult caregiver. Fortunately, I've no siblings but I had a couple who were my patients and I became very close to them. We would go to lunch together and were friends. Her son lived in a wealthy neighborhood in Atlanta, but never called and was never interested in their care. I never even spoke with him and I was the case manager! Anyway, her husband died and the stress of his loss was too much. I did warn her about needing a POA and she appointed a niece who lived in another state. The niece called me daily and we were in touch often. Soon, my lady had a stroke and I told the niece it was time for hospice, but I kept visiting her daily. She lost most of her speech, but still managed to tell me she loved me. That did it for me. She was family now. Then the son decides it's time to start looking at her financial records and was stunned to learn that not only did she give him no permission to handle anything, she cut him out of her will. There was a significant amount of money and the niece who truly cared for her got everything. The aide that was out there the day he discovered the Will called me in a panic. Here was a dying woman in bed, who could hardly speak and he was screaming in her face how he hated her and how dare her not give him what was "rightfully" his. I had to go out there but by then he was gone. I called him and he refused to take my calls, so I left him a polite, but to the point message. Money, decision making, whatever, is a gift it's not a right. What a parent has worked for and owns belongs to them and no one else. They get to decide who makes decisions for them (there is usually a reason why a certain one is appointed, or better still, not appointed) and who they will gift their money and belongings to. My own father and baby sister had a 20 year feud with their oldest sister over the my grandmother's money when she died. Only when my father had a heart attack did everyone forgive.

So why am I droning on? Because unfortunately this happens and no matter how reasonable you are, siblings will be jealous. You can make it sound as nice as you can "it's a gift, not a right" but all they hear is "my parents don't care about me and they only care about you" or "I'm not good enough for them".

You will simply have to stand your ground. Even with all my nursing experience, my Aunt badgers me constantly about her care telling me I'm not using enough doctors or she needs more of this and less of that, then she speaks to the doctors and they tell her exactly what I said. Yet it doesn't stop her from going on about it. I just finally had to get over it and listen to her, nod and then change the subject.

If things get really bad, see if you can get some skilled care in there and then ask for a MSW (medical social worker) to come out and you all can have a family meeting with the MSW. That may help as they're highly experienced in this area and will fully know exactly what you are going through. Just be sure to meet with the MSW before the family meeting and express your problems and frustration with them.

I truly wish you luck and wish I had a better answer.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with GladImHere: You have to develop a thick skin or if you don't want the job - have your parents assign another POA - other than family. I don't know your family dynamics - but I have seen it many times. Once parents get older - everyone gets concerned about the finances.

My sibling accused me of all kinds of things, told the neighbors, a lawyer and people from church things that were not true. Once I moved mom in with me, she called adult protective services.

Document everything, get advice from the right sources. If being POA is too stressful for you, maybe someone else should do it. The stress is not worth it. You also have to be upfront with your siblings. If you are not doing anything wrong, tell them. Let them know you won't tolerate false accusations. If you take it, they will keep dishing it out.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Be very careful that they don't try to yank the POA away from you. Like they come to visit and take mom for a ride and while they are out there, they get her to sign a new POA.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.