Should I continue encouraging my husband to see his father who is 2 states away or just bug out?

Follow
Share

My father-in-law recently had open heart surgery,,he is 85 and wasn't in that great of a shape going into this surgery. Now they are telling us that he isn't recovering as was hoped for and expected. He is on a ventilator and is in a care facility, his daughter is making all the decisions and does not keep us updated, which for me is frustrating. I encourage My husband to go and see his Dad sooner than later as we don't know the outcome of this situation. His sisters are in touch and Neil doesn't want to disrupt their plans.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
36

Answers

Show:
Why are you encouraging your husband to visit HIS father when he is making excuses (about disrupting his sisters...). It is obvious to me their relationship was strained before his recent health issues, and his feelings toward his father are his. Let him be! You have no idea what went on in his household before you two met, and apparently your husband has negative feelings for his father. Not every family is a "Father Knows Best" t.v. show. Allow your husband to act the way HE wants to and not because you want him to visit. Not your call to make.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

My opinion is yes, you should keep encouraging him to go see his dad. He says he doesn't want to "disrupt their plans," but I suspect the real reason might be that he's afraid to see his dad in such bad condition.

If he doesn't go, and his father dies, I think he'll regret it. If he does go, no matter how bad it is, I think he'll feel good that he faced it down and that he was there for his father. So keep encouraging him to see his father and tell him you'll be right there at his side.

That being said, after reading some of the comments here, if your husband comes from an abusive home, all bets are off. But if he feels shut out or intimidated by his sisters, or afraid to see his dad on a ventilator, those aren't good enough reasons for him to rob himself of seeing his dad alive. Of course, that's just my opinion, and I have no right to speak for him, I would just hate for him to have regrets.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

How would visiting his father disrupt his sisters' plans? If it's important to your husband to see his Dad, it does sound as if he'd better get on with it. If possible, it would be better to be self-sufficient in terms of travel and accommodation; then he can come and go without any possible inconvenience to anybody else.

I appreciate that it is frustrating not being kept in the loop, but I expect your SIL has her hands full; she may also assume that if you want to know what's happening you will ask. So do ask. Text enquiries are best, because they can be answered when time allows and you don't risk inadvertently butting in at a bad time.

Will you go with him?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Maybe for some reason your husband doesn't want to see them, his sisters, anyway. Maybe he doesn't want to see his dad in such bad shape in the hospital. Men are much more likely, in my experience, to procrastinate with an unpleasant task like this, or say "I prefer to remember him as he was in the past". I would say ONE more time, "you know, you really should go see your father before it's too late." And if he doesn't go, so be it - he heard you, he knows. You are not his mommy, and you should not be nagging him like one. It's up to your husband. (if he expresses any inclination to go visit, you could offer to go with him, couldn't you? stay in a hotel away from the sisters, overnight? keep out of their way? It's up to your husband now.)
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

He doesn't have to disrupt their plans, he just wants to visit. What they want is him not to try to change what they are doing, but he certainly can visit his dad and can gently ask them if there is anything he can do to help , if no, at least he offered. Neil should let them know he is coming to visit,and will help only if needed, but he'd like to visit hiim......maybe the sisters will open up more and update your husband..Im not certain you should go, but Neil should.....
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I believe that your husband should go to see his dad. He should go asap. No one knows what tomorrow holds. I sure.that his dad would be pleased to see him too it may help his recovery too.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Urge your husband to see his father and go ASAP. As an adult child whose father died almost overnight with no previous warning, I was totally unprepared for his death. My life was turned upside down and never quite the same again.
Alert his sisters that he is coming and make that he doesn't rely on them for lodging or transportation or meals. Doing so will make his visit much smoother.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I think your husband will regret not visiting if he does not go to see his father.
As over whelming as it is for you both I think it is probably more overwhelming for the sisters that are close by. They are faced with decisions and I am sure they would love the support.
I sure hope this is a supporting family and not one that is fractured......

And a side thought.... I am guessing that the sisters or at least one of them is close by and at the hospital often. If that is the case depending on what her life is like if there is a way to send her a gift card to a local restaurant to thank her for the support that she is giving your father in law it would be one less dinner that she has to fix after a day at the hospital

If at all possible I also think that you should go with your husband when he visits. Even if it is just for a short time. You will be there to support your husband.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with ferris1. My mother is just a few minutes away in a nursing home. She had dementia and over the past few years, she has "rambled" over to a closet full of family skeletons and opened the door. Because I come away from visiting her upset and angry and wind up taking it out on my poor husband I avoid seeing her like the plague. My husband often mentions my going to see her. He was one of 5 children and when his parents were in different nursing homes, one of them went to see them every day. I am an only child, so it's all on me. If you have suggested to your husband that he go see his dad and he has refused, let it be. He's making excuses. If and when his dad passes, he may regret not going to see him. Don't be an "I told you so". Again, just let it be.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Is it possible to phone his daughter and say your husband needs to see his Dad. He could stay for a few days at a hotel and offer support. I used to visit my brother when he was really ill and stay in nearby hotel. In this way I avoided putting any pressure on his family. Yes I would go. He needs to see his Dad. Maybe you could go with him if possible.

Aisling
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions