Should I continue encouraging my husband to see his father who is 2 states away or just bug out?

Has there been an update on this question? I was wondering how heydeb's FIL was doing.

I'm not sure how old heydeb's husband is, but, I would think that if he wanted to go visit his dad he would. Assuming his health is fine and he can afford it. As his wife, I would think you might have some inkling what is behind him not wanting to go.

I might mention that if he wanted to go, that I would accompany him, and then let it alone. I think people should be free to make their own decisions on things like that. If he feels bad for not going, then so be it. He could also feel bad if he went when he did not want to go.

I think people should be free to make those kinds of decisions for themselves without being coerced or judged by others.

Chimonger: You had ROFL with "guy thing!" LOL! So true!

Just went this with SIL. His Mom is an alcoholic and raised him on and off. He was with his Dad or Grandmother. My daughter encouraged him to "mend fences" before they married. He tried, she couldn't/wouldn't see his side. She wasn't invited to the wedding because she gets mean when she is drunk. GMom didn't come and stopped talking to SIL. Her daughter "was" his mother. She knew what her daughter was but chose to take her side. Six years later, GMom is dying and wants to see SILs only child who is three. SIL took him. She died a few days later. SIL does not feel bad about his mother but he does his GMom because she missed out. Family dynamics are fragile. Maybe there was no bond between father and son. Maybe there is some sibling probl really need to ask your husband the real reason why he won't visit. He is an adult and it will be his regret.

It is obvious from the wide variety of answers that EVERY family is different.
If your husband has been close with his family and they have always been supportive of each other now is not the time to back out.
If the relationship has been strained always then him stepping in now might rub his siblings the wrong way.
If the relationship has just begun to become strained now might be a good time to try to mend it.
But mending a relationship is not fast nor is it painless.
It really is up to him as to what he wants to do.
Follow his lead, if he wants to visit but is unsure then encourage him to visit.
If he does not want to visit for whatever reason then let him bear the weight of that decision.

Sister could be making all thr decisons, because she is actually there...sometimes there are care meetings during which decisions are made, in consultation with all dr, RN, tberapists, dietary, and whichever family is there. Sister might not have option to say, let me check with 5 other family members and get their input, if a decision has to be made within the hour, how would that be possible? If sister is setting aside her own life to help dad during his final days, and brother is on fence humming & hawing over whether he should visit....the chances are, he wont be involved with decisons because he just is not involved. If you want to be involved, involve yourself, take the initiative and call. However, sister may be so overwhelmed with literally everything that she does not need another phone call, having to "answer" to her brother, Life has a way of moving on every hour by the hour, pretty soon Life will end for dad, get on the boat, pull an oar and don't complain to the captain about the food.

HeyDeb wrote, "...his daughter is making all the decisions and does not keep us updated, which for me is frustrating. I encourage My husband to go and see his Dad sooner than later as we don't know the outcome of this situation. His sisters are in touch and Neil doesn't want to disrupt their plans."


Those few statements say a lot. Are all the children from the same mother and father? You refer to his daughter (Neil's sister) as making all the decisions. Is that because she was given POA of healthcare and finances or did she just take charge and no one is challenging her? And why doesn't she contact her brother with information about their dad? Bad feelings between them? How was the relationship between Neil and his dad before his dad got sick? How many times did you and he visit last year? I'm guessing the daughter that has control gives information to her other sisters, who, in turn, tell Neil. Maybe there is animosity between the C/G sister and Neil. His comment about not 'disrupting their plans' is a weak reason to not visit his father. It has been given for your benefit. If the sisters are at the hospital everyday, then they HAVE no plans. That's what they're doing all day. It sounds like there's a lot more to this story than is being shared. Your husband is a grown man. For whatever reason, he chooses not to go to the hospital, he doesn't want to be there. I'm sure guilt for these decisions has crossed his mind but the desire to not be involved outweighs any guilt he might (or will) suffer after his dad passes away. You can't be responsible for his actions. Men are often very "tight lipped" about personal feelings, especially those that make them look "unmanly". Maybe he's got a fear of hospitals, or of watching someone he loves die or that he'll "catch something (get sick) in the hospital" or he'll have to come face to face with his father's mortality, maybe he's afraid of breaking down and crying, maybe he wants to picture his dad's healthy face the last time he saw him in his mind instead of being hooked up to a ventilator on the edge of dying. Or a thousand other reasons, of which we'll never know. I would let it go (drop it, no more encouraging him). It is his right not to go. Maybe he will explain his feelings after his dad passes. You can watch for signs of sadness during this time and be there if he would want to talk about it.

It sounds like your husband may have feelings why not to visit his dad.
But, the reason might not be what anyone would expect.
Have you asked him, why he does not want to visit his Dad? [...guy-thing warning: lost of them will just keep saying "nothing" or "fine" when there really is something needing addressed, or really not fine].
If he had bad relationship with his Father [sounds like it, from your post], then allow it be OK for him to NOT go visit...that would actually show you being very supportive of him....unless he feels there is any chance to get some kind of closure...sometimes there can be a last-minute visit and closure.
But if he's just afraid to see his Dad in such bad shape, then he really should go, because he really cares, but is just afraid to face age/infirmity in someone he loves.
Not everyone is able to talk-out past issues with a relative, when one of them is really sick/dying. But for some, that works OK, and there might be a good closure.
I find it very hard to keep distant from my dysfunctional family, even though I know how bad things can get. I finally "got 10%", and stopped trying to "belong" when there was no real hope of anything like that. Had to really think hard about how I will feel when Mom dies, because we have not been able to be in the same room for so many years. And thinking also, how my not going to visit, not going for a death vigil, and not going to a funeral or service...how that will affect my siblings...since they are part and parcel with Mom's behaviors, I've had to keep distant.
Sometimes it really is the better part of valor to "just not go there".

Sorry, that sounded really harsh. I meant to imply that your husband does make his own decisions, but a little prodding from you won't hurt.

Is your husband a grown man, who is able to make sane decisions, or is he 12 years old?

As a nurse, I think for his own peace of mind, he should go. Most people regret it if they don't. Even if his dad was abusive or whatever, he is still the only dad he has, and the last chance for him to get closure. Obviously, his dad will not be able to talk to him, but he could talk to his dad and say whatever he has wanted to say for the last many years. Even if it is just, "I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship." Also, I am sure his sisters would appreciate the support for THEM. Just another person to take a shift watching by the bedside, nothing is more exhausting than sitting in a hospital/nursing home room all day and night.

I would back off.

I'm not quite where you are, both my parents are in fairly good shape. But getting my brothers, sister, or her grandchildren (most of them are adults) to visit is a major endeavor. Some of the grandchildren say I don't want to see her that way (she forgets and because they don't visit, she doesn't remember who they are). I keep telling them that if they visit and talk about the old days then she would remember them or she would perk up and talk to them. But it's up the them, just like it's up to your husband. You can't MAKE him visit, but you can be there for him and may for your sisters in law. You have some good suggestions by the others here. You could try to help make things easier for them, lunches or offers to help in any way you can. Don't be offended if they don't take you up on the offers, maybe they are tired of people saying they will step up and then don't.

Hi! I am sorry you are all going through this and that you are also not being informed.

Your sister-in-laws have no right to keep you in the dark. I understand they're stressed, but that's another story. They need to be responsible towards their brother and respectful of him as well.

The bottom line is that you cannot change them, however. You and your husband can change your disposition though.

Your husband should go asap! No hesitation, no questions asked. He should stay with someone he trusts or at a hotel near the hospital. He should go whenever he wants, not when his sisters want. You are free to go with him as you are part of the family! You have all the right to go. That is your decision and well as your husband's.

Fear gets us nowhere in life.

Be there for the family, especially for your husband's father. Show your love and support.

Hope your father-in-law doesn't suffer.

Take care of yourselves! Wishing you the best!

Tina ;)

It really depends n his relationship with his father. Being in a facility he is not disrupting the siblings. Find a motel close by and take a weekend.

First off, I would like to applaud you for being supportive, not only of your husb, but of his family back home. You are in a dificult position, but encouraging him to go to see his Dad, is probably the best thing to do, so that he doesn't have regrets later.

I'll come at it from a different perspective, when my mother-in-law Lay Dying in the hospital of pneumonia COPD, and CHF, her only daughter (a Nurse) who lived only 200 mile away, was calling ME for updates, and wanting Me to tell her if Her Mom was going to to die, and was she Severe enough that she should come to see her. With every phone call, I told her to get her butt up her, and see her Mom, before it was too late, as I was in No position to determine that, and I didn't want to be blamed later on. Her Mom did die, she missed seeing her Mother still alive, and she came the day after. Once here, she sat in her parents apartment, while her Dad, her brother (my husband) and I, all ran around like chickens, picking out her casket, headstone, arranging for the the funeraland the Minister, writing and preparing the Eulogy and the Obituary, making up the Memorial cards, making up a picture Memorial, buying the flowers, and my cleaning and preparing my home, yard and patio for the after wake, all set for 2 days henceand the list goes on. She did absolutely nothing to help us, not a written word, a memory, a flower, a card, she didn't make any food, or offer assistance in any way, not even a Thank you, and I was the one who had to remove her Mothers jewelry from herdead body at the hospital, after she had passed away, which the sister recieved.

While she was held up in my in laws home, she took that opportunity (disguised as "Helping"), and took absolutely every piece of my MIL's clothing, purses, shoes, and personal belongings, took what she wanted, and loaded that into her car, and the rest was put into a big pile, in the middle of my FIL's livingroom, for us to deal with, after the funeral and services. She didn't lift a finger to help us arrange for the rest to get bagged up for donation.

At fhat time, 13 years ago, I didn't understand the dysfunction that had been going on in this family since the very beginning, and never dreamed that her own daughter would have acted this way. My husband's brother only showed up the day of the funeral, and also gave no help or support.

I'm NOT suggesting that this is in any way simular to your family situation, but in my opinion, you should encourage your husband to see his Dad while he is still alive, but also to accompany him to the visit, and while there, offer every type of help and assistance that you both can give while you are there. It appears that he won't be long for this world, so think about how you can assist in things that will be coming up in the near future. But under No circumstances, should he overstep his bounds, but only come at the situation from helping standpoint, as his sisters probably have the situation well in hand.

And lastly, as others have suggested, be appreciative of all the work his sisters have done, as their lives have probably been turned upside down caring for their Dad these last few months, and possibly years! If he is in a position to send gift cards to Starbucks or Subway, and other lunch type places, or just cashin a thank you card, to help with the expensive parking at the hospital, he should consider this, as these gestures of kindness go a long way to heal emotional wounds, and are a nice show of appreciation. Its not the sister's fault, his distance from his Dad, if there is any, and any long standing family pain, will eventually have to be addressed, at the funeral. It would be nice if he were able to heal any animosity now, before it come to funeral planning.

Maybe for some reason your husband doesn't want to see them, his sisters, anyway. Maybe he doesn't want to see his dad in such bad shape in the hospital. Men are much more likely, in my experience, to procrastinate with an unpleasant task like this, or say "I prefer to remember him as he was in the past". I would say ONE more time, "you know, you really should go see your father before it's too late." And if he doesn't go, so be it - he heard you, he knows. You are not his mommy, and you should not be nagging him like one. It's up to your husband. (if he expresses any inclination to go visit, you could offer to go with him, couldn't you? stay in a hotel away from the sisters, overnight? keep out of their way? It's up to your husband now.)

You can encourage him, offer to go with him, but don't nag. He obviously doesn't want to see his father like that.

if your husand's sister is taking care of everything and he is fine with that...i don't think he needs to be encouraged to do what he doesn't want to do. sometimes things run smoother that way.

Once he is gone, he will regret not having dedicated more time to being with him, and if you play any part in keeping him away (even because you don't encourage him, for example), he will resent that in you. So I'd step away except for encouraging him to see his dad, even if you're upset because of his sister's behavior.

Heydeb I compliment You for being the peace maker and trying to bring Your Husband to visit His Dad. What ever happened in the past should be cast aside and forgotten as it seems there's no time to waist. Tell Your Husband that You are going to visit His Dad and ask Him IS HE COMING ? This is so sad. Good Luck.

I have to "encourage" (read, FORCE) my husband to go visit his HEALTHY mother. I know they've had some bad blood in the past, but he hates to visit her and I feel so sorry for her. She doesn't want to see me, she's made that perfectly clear, she is very content with having a relationship with only her daughter's family, but my husband sits around and feels guilty.
He should go and "make peace" as it were, despite what his sisters say. This is also HIS father, and he will kick himself forever if he does not have a final goodbye, or at least some kind of closure.

Sounds like your hubby is about my hubby's age--men of that age are often not in touch with feelings at all and simply compartmentalize everything and decide to deal with it later, or never. I know my MIL will pass away, hubby will probably be out of town and I know he'll feel so much guilt over all the things he didn't say or do for her. Try to be supportive of your hubby, this is scary for some men. He definitely should make an effort to get to see his dad---and you can help him.
Good luck. This is a trying and emotional time. My hubby watched his father fail slowly, then finally die and he still says "If only he'd fought that last bout of pneumonia he'd still be alive"----he hasn't accepted his dad's death and it's been over 12 years.

Is it possible to phone his daughter and say your husband needs to see his Dad. He could stay for a few days at a hotel and offer support. I used to visit my brother when he was really ill and stay in nearby hotel. In this way I avoided putting any pressure on his family. Yes I would go. He needs to see his Dad. Maybe you could go with him if possible.

Aisling

He needs to go! Too often I see people regretting their decision of not spending more time with a person. Your husband needs to focus on the moment and not get caught up with the decisions others have made.

My opinion is yes, you should keep encouraging him to go see his dad. He says he doesn't want to "disrupt their plans," but I suspect the real reason might be that he's afraid to see his dad in such bad condition.

If he doesn't go, and his father dies, I think he'll regret it. If he does go, no matter how bad it is, I think he'll feel good that he faced it down and that he was there for his father. So keep encouraging him to see his father and tell him you'll be right there at his side.

That being said, after reading some of the comments here, if your husband comes from an abusive home, all bets are off. But if he feels shut out or intimidated by his sisters, or afraid to see his dad on a ventilator, those aren't good enough reasons for him to rob himself of seeing his dad alive. Of course, that's just my opinion, and I have no right to speak for him, I would just hate for him to have regrets.

There are reasons your husband is choosing not to see his Dad. If he is bullied by the sisters and not going to avoid being bullied; then that isn't a good reason and maybe going with you will give him strength to go in (provided YOU support your husband but don't get into it with the sisters). Is your husband comfortable with the decisions sisters are making? Maybe the relationship (dad/husband) was strained and your husband is comfortable and has "made peace" with whatever happens.

That is my situation. My brother and mom have had no relationship over most of his lifetime. He and I are close, he defers decision making to me regarding mom. I'm sure when mom is dying he will not come and he has said he has made peace with that decision and I am comfortable of his decision and can appreciate how he feels.

Telll your husband you will go with him and support him; but if he doesn't want to go, that is his decision.

I also agree with ferris1. Who knows what the family dynamics are. The daughter is making all the decisions because she has to. If Neil wanted to be there, he would go. It's his decision - I would let it be.

I agree with ferris1. My mother is just a few minutes away in a nursing home. She had dementia and over the past few years, she has "rambled" over to a closet full of family skeletons and opened the door. Because I come away from visiting her upset and angry and wind up taking it out on my poor husband I avoid seeing her like the plague. My husband often mentions my going to see her. He was one of 5 children and when his parents were in different nursing homes, one of them went to see them every day. I am an only child, so it's all on me. If you have suggested to your husband that he go see his dad and he has refused, let it be. He's making excuses. If and when his dad passes, he may regret not going to see him. Don't be an "I told you so". Again, just let it be.

I think your husband will regret not visiting if he does not go to see his father.
As over whelming as it is for you both I think it is probably more overwhelming for the sisters that are close by. They are faced with decisions and I am sure they would love the support.
I sure hope this is a supporting family and not one that is fractured......

And a side thought.... I am guessing that the sisters or at least one of them is close by and at the hospital often. If that is the case depending on what her life is like if there is a way to send her a gift card to a local restaurant to thank her for the support that she is giving your father in law it would be one less dinner that she has to fix after a day at the hospital

If at all possible I also think that you should go with your husband when he visits. Even if it is just for a short time. You will be there to support your husband.

Why are you encouraging your husband to visit HIS father when he is making excuses (about disrupting his sisters...). It is obvious to me their relationship was strained before his recent health issues, and his feelings toward his father are his. Let him be! You have no idea what went on in his household before you two met, and apparently your husband has negative feelings for his father. Not every family is a "Father Knows Best" t.v. show. Allow your husband to act the way HE wants to and not because you want him to visit. Not your call to make.

Urge your husband to see his father and go ASAP. As an adult child whose father died almost overnight with no previous warning, I was totally unprepared for his death. My life was turned upside down and never quite the same again.
Alert his sisters that he is coming and make that he doesn't rely on them for lodging or transportation or meals. Doing so will make his visit much smoother.