Neurotic mom after (and before) my dad's passing. Any advice?

Karsten; I hate to say this, but you caved.

You told mom you would leave. You should have left.

If you are going to set boundaries, don't back down.

Your mother is mentally ill, and may have dementia.

There is NO reasoning with her.

Karsten , let me point out a hard truth to you.

Your mom shamed you into doing what she demanded.

You were ashamed that she called a neighbor and said " my son won't take me, can you?"

Jeez Louise, who does this to an adult child? Doing this to a child of any age is dirty pool. It's abuse, pure and simple.

Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She's really a master of this.

Dear Barb said exactly what I was thinking. You tried to put your foot down. Keep trying. It won’t matter to her, but you’ll get better at it. If Mom’s doctor is at her wit’s end, then you need to step it up. PCPs don’t usually treat mental issues. Find a Geriatric Psychiatrist. And keep looking for a independent Living or Assisted Living.

I know you both are still dealing with your grief over losing Dad. But if you keep enabling Mom, you will not find your own peace and Mom will drag it out for years. She’s sick, Karsten. She needs help. Can you find it for her?

Has mom's doc referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist?

First, as to the Tylenol: buy several bottles; take them with you when you go over and pull one out when she claims that she needs another. Do that every time she says she needs another bottle.

Your mother is really making you twist in the wind, isn't she?

This is what I did, although my situation wasn't as bad as yours. I just said I have x time today; let's go through the list of what you need and select which ones are priority and which will fit into the time frame.

I took control, and kept it.

But I admit I can be bossy if I have to.

"I said "no", you will do all this at the bank today." GREAT!!

"I said I will not make two visits to the bank when one will do." YOU GO DUDE!

"I said if you do not stop yelling at me, I am leaving and will not take you to bank or target today."
YOU GOT THE HANG OF IT but it DIED when she intimidated you in front of the neighbor. Who cares what the neighbor thinks?

Let her go into the bank alone. Do NOT go in with her. JUST REFUSE. You can, you know. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If it's not a pleasant experience, then DON'T do it.

"I presented them to her and all she could say was thank you. No sorry, apology for blamling me for her mistake."
TELL HER YOU WANT AN APOLOGY."

"I have found, when I am firm on boundaries, I get yelled at and guilted at more but I guess that is my only option and when my mom finds out I am serious, she will lay off a bit, but either way I will not be her slave."

LET HER SCREAM HER IRRITATIONS FROM THE ROOF TOPS. Who cares?
Are you serious? Then be firm and stick to it. The first time is the hardest but it gets easier. You do not have the right to tell her what to do, but YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

Tell her, "DO NOT scream at me or I will leave." THEN DO IT. Shock the s**t out of her, stand up for your rights and walk out the door. You can't keep caving to mommy's demands. She needs to "lay off" totally, not just a bit.

Practice all this in front of a mirror. Say it over and over again.

Your mother controls you and you ALLOW it. It's not your fault, she's groomed you for this since birth, so it's just "natural" for you.

She has you wrapped around her little finger and knows how to "yank your chain". You must educate yourself on this sick mental behavior and, in my opinion, get therapy to help you out of the spider web she has you mentally wrapped up in. Don't be surprised, once in therapy, that a lifetime of anger comes spilling out. You have compacted it down so far that you're not even in touch with it. I wonder if you suffer from back, neck or head pain. That often happens with repressed feelings. They are manifested in physical pain to keep the feelings buried.

You must realize you are her EQUAL, not her puppet to jump around at her beck and call. Start believing that you are worthy of an opinion of your own, that you can and WILL set YOUR OWN destiny and not what someone else wants you to do.

At first I was mad that you didn't walk out but then I realized that you made a huge step, just standing up to her. Bravo! It takes time to change a lifetime of learned behavior.

DON'T worry what people think of you. You know that you're a good person and that's all that matters. Believe in yourself for a change.

A quick question...would you let any of US treat you the way your mother treats you? (I would hope not.)

Keep up the good work. Let us know how you are progressing.

In answer to Barbs question, I have asked her MD about referring her to a psychiatrist or psychotherapy. Her MD says she when she suggested this my mom gets mad, so maybe the MD is being intimidated too. But the MD says it will not help for her to make referrals if my mom wont do it.  I said what if I told my mom I would not help her if she does not visit the psychiatrist.  The MD told me visiting a psychiatrist will not help my mom if my mom does not want to be there, and accept she needs help.  She has prscribed meds and my mom doenst take them and the MD cannot make her take them. She says short of my mom demonstrating she is a threat to herself or others, there is not much she can do.

I accept the only real strategy is to set up boundaries and stick to them.  I think I am making progress on that but did cave a bit today.  The way I am feeling right now is to think the boundary I will set up is to NEVER talk to her or see her again.  She is just driving me away completely.  So dreading the day tomorrow driving her around to cemeteries.  I personally do want to go to these places and honor my late father and both sets of grandparents, but I dread being with my mom.  Then next weekend?  Being with her from Thursday through Monday out of state for my nieces graduation?  Don't know how I will get through that.  

Forget therapy for mom. I'm only talking about meds. If she won't take them, that's quite sad.

She's groomed you, Karsten, to snap to when she makes demands.

You have a long road ahead of setting boundaries and sticking to them.

You've made a good start!

Karsten, your brain would never accept the “all or nothing” approach with Mom. You would marinate in guilt for the rest of your life. Or, you would go back to her, tail between your legs and resume this toxic relationship. You need more than bereavement therapy. You need a therapist to give you tools to summon up the courage to be your own man. And don’t tell Mom you’re seeing a therapist because of her. What would that prove? Do you have any plans after the Grand Tour of Cemetaries today? If not, go home (your home), throw some burgers on the grill, put on whatever baseball team you like (or your favorite music) and be good to yourself. That’s what I’m planning on doing. Laundry and stinky, soaked sheets be dammed.

This thread has been helpful for me, in ways that posters probably never realized.

SueC1957, your comment about Karsten's mother intimidating him in front of a neighbor was a "eureka moment" for me, but not for my own family. It was the "neighbor" comment that "opened my eyes."

One of my father's neighbors became very aggressive after retiring, and comes over when I'm out to complain about Dad's yard, his house, ...whatever. She's been like this since she didn't get a promotion at work and subsequently retired.

I've tried not to respond to her but her criticism and refusal to acknowledge that an almost 100 year old man can't get out to clean up his yard just irritated me even more.

I knew she was jerking me around, but the answers here, and especially Sue's comment about a neighbor, made me realize I need to "manage" her in the same way as Karsten needs to manage his mother.

Thanks, friends, for unknowingly offering a suggestion which I can use to deal with the old busybody (who, incidentally, is an alcoholic).

GA, I’d hand her a rake and say “have at it, my dear.” We had one of those across the street. She insisted on having speed bumps put in, which people don’t even slow down for. So all day and during the night, we listen to “ba-bump, ba-bump” ad infinitum. Landscapers with trucks and equipment trailers are a real joy at 8Am. She came over once and told me there was paper blowing around in my yard during a windstorm. I always felt like she was watching me after that. She probably was...
PS We have an alcoholic (at least one) directly across the street. She’d get liquored up and run out of “supplies” and come over here to ask for a ride to the grocery (3 times in 4 days) I asked on here how to discourage her, and everyone’s advice worked. 

Karsten, you are having a very rough time with your mother and I'm sorry for it.

Lots of good support already. I just want to remind you, though - it is only three weeks since you lost your lovely Dad. You and your mother are still very much in the "it's okay not to be okay" stage. One day at a time. Be thinking ahead, sure, but don't expect yourself to start solving everything just yet.

Karsten, this NC trip sounds insane... Five days with this impossible and unreasonable lady while you are still mourning your dad, trying to be decent and supportive to an aged widow/endless abyss of need and negativity, graduations which are grueling affairs even under the best of circumstances....  And FIVE days? Why on earth five? That is at least two days too many!

Forgive me as I may have overlooked what her physical problems are (if any) but do you really have to go? Is it all possible for you to bow out of this thing and go to Vegas or Yosemite or something instead for some much-needed R & R? Maybe there will be iffy tropical storms coming into NC that you need to prudently avoid? Maybe you could "come down with something" unexpectedly? Sneaky, yes, but then it is not unheard of for people to actually fall ill in these kinds of situations when they just can't endure a psychological pressure cooker any longer. Just some thoughts...

Karsten, if you must make this NC trip, set boundaries around it.

Google the area and find things to do...without your mom.

Spend an hour at the exercise room and/or pool. Go to a nearby night spot in the evening...alone. During the day, if you must be with her at festivities, find other folks to talk with.

Karsten, I’m so sorry she’s putting you through the wringer when she should be supporting you. You have been doing all the heavy lifting, and need time to yourself to just catch your breath. But now you’re off to NC for 5 more days of torture? I really agree with Snoopy and recommend you don’t go for your own mental health. Not sure how long or complicated that plane ride is from where you live, but if it was easy/no layovers, I would contact the airline and arrange for her to travel alone. Have your family pick her up at the gate. And you stay home. Alone. Quiet. Peaceful. Healing. Doing nothing. Or something for You.
Tell her you’re decided not to go, and let her decide if she wants to go alone. Or not at all. Remember that little kids are capable of it with help from the airline. Attending a graduation is a nice gesture, but under these circumstances it’s just nice/ not necessary. If she stays home, you can still pretend she’s gone and take the 5 days off from her.

I do appreciate the very correct advice on the North Carolina trip, but this is something I agreed I had to do months ago. My niece is graduating as valedictorian for her high school class. The commencement is on Friday and we were going to leave Friday morning, but my mom pointed out, and I agreed, that a very early flight on Friday morning would be stressful, both to get ready for very early and the stress of worrying if it got delayed. So we are leaving midday on Thursday, which is less stressful, and delays wont cause us to miss the commencement. So theres Thursday, then Friday, and yes, I have been there a zillion times. I will dump my mom off at brothers house, so I will not have to be there alone, and I may go to the beach or something (they live on the coast). Saturday there is a graduation party, with all of her friends and relatives from that side of the family, then Sunday a graduation recital in which my niece has a couple of starring parts, then fly home on Monday. That's how we get to the five days. so most of the time, other than nights, I will not be with her alone.

Nights are another issue. My SIL doesn't want us staying at their house, they don't have a lot of extra room and they know my mom too, so my brother provided a hotel room for us (he has a zillion points from his business travel) I initially said I was going to get my own room next to my mom, but she freaked out as she would be alone . So I will try one night, and tell her if she causes problems, I will get my own room the remaining nights.

I know this is one of those things that really don't make sense, but I agreed to do it for my nieces sake, and her dad (my brother) just viewed it as one of the times I will have to suck it up. My mom is just widowed for a month, and while she causes problems I do have to be working on, I thought this is not the thing I could deny her the joy of.

My brother knows I have to bring her to their house during the days, when other actitvities are not occurring.

Ahmijoy asked about the cemetery tour yesterday. Never an easy time being with my mom for hours on end, but she was probably as good as one can expect yesterday. Maybe the reason for the tour sort of muted her stuff. After going to two of them, I began taking her home and she asked what about the third? I said that her brother was going to take flowers there. She said we could go anyway. I said that would mean another seventy or eighty miles of driving, it was in the nineties, and we can do that another time. There is no law you have to visit on Memorial Day weekend. She was not happy but didn't make much of a fuss. She wanted me to hang around with her at home and I did for a while, then just insisted I was going home. Its funny, she didn't object too much, but when she doesn't object much, I feel even more guilty. Like if she gets demanding and pushy, I could leave and still feel guilty, but coudll also feel good about it. When she is not demanding, I almost felt bad leaving her home alone. So I have some internal issues to deal with

The ironic thing is that third cemetery we did not go to is the one where her mom, my grandma is buried, and as she was always my favorite person, I did want to go there. But it was too much for one day. My moms mom, was a saint, completely opposite of my mom. Pleasant, easy, undemanding (when she was in assisted living I would visit a couple times a week and she would say, you are busy, you do not need to be coming so much (even though she liked it), a very giving person, everyone loved to be around her. My moms brother is the most fun easy going guy to be with you could find. My moms dad died before I really knew him, but I figured my mom must have gotten her stuff from him. I asked my moms brother what he was like. Apparently he was one of the most easy going laid back people you could find as well. So I don't know where my mom got her stuff.

Karsten, this trip certainly makes a bit more sense after you describe how it came to be and how it encompasses several events, one of which is multi-day. Points well taken. I still think it sounds hellish and I think people with difficult parents can and should feel completely free not to take them on trips. 

However, since you've decided to go on this trip, I definitely think you should go ahead and treat yourself to your own hotel room to give yourself more of a buffer, a boundary. Unless your brother booked you guys at a scary, "no-tell" motel or something on Skid Row, which seems highly unlikely, your mom should be fine in her own room. Let her "freak out" all she wants. 

As long as she doesn't knock on his door all night long.

Does she take medicine for sleep? Be sure to bring them along!

brought her to doc today and the doc prescribed Seroquel. Not sure about that one. She had been on Prozac but wasn't sure my mom was taking it. Anyone with experience with Seroquel for an elderly person?

Karsten
Here are previous questions with references to Seroquel.
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=Seroquel

Hi Karsten
Have you gone to the graduation yet or are you back already?
I know you were leaving on a Thursday.
Let us know how things are going.
Was the Seroquel helpful?

I'm very sorry for your loss Karsten, and I totally understand how you're feeling. My mother has always been needy and goes to great lengths to get what she wants. She became downright unbearable after my step-dad died. It was one of the worst times in my life. I had to learn to set boundaries and I'm still learning. It's a hard thing to do when you're used to "steppin' and fetchin'" all your life for a demanding parent. I'm learning that it won't be the end of the world if I say no or step back. What I'm finding is that mother usually finds someone else willing to be at her beck and call. I see your original post wasn't too recent, so I'm hoping that things have calmed down for you and have gotten better. (((hugs)))