My husband was diagnosed with dementia last year. He is very frail and often falls. I was not able to help him up and ended up calling the fire department. He would mess up his medication, not taking it, or doubling on some of the RX. I became the target of his frustrations, and I always worried about what kind of mood he was going to be in upon my arrival. He is 15 years my senior, and I am still working. When coming home, he often told me he hadn't eaten the whole day.
His physician suggested assisted living, as well as his family. We moved him there over a week ago, but he refuses to do anything other than stay in his room and watch TV. His meals are delivered to his room, and he complains because they are cold. We took everything familiar to him, including his books, computer, etc. He keeps emailing me and telling me how miserable he is, that he hates everything about that place, that he misses our home, etc. The place is nice, clean, warm, and the staff are great!
One more thing, he drinks wine every evening. Dinner is very early at the facility 4:30pm and he likes to have cheese and wine before dinner. The problem is that he has been drinking more since he has been there. We are planning to have the wine delivered to his room instead of having a bottle available. We are just trying to make small changes at a time.
I know he is safe and he is being taken care of, but I feel so guilty because he is miserable! How can I feel get rid of this guilt?
Guilt requires causation and requires a refusal to fix things out of evil intent.
That's not appropriate to this situation.
You didn't cause and can't fix this.
The correct word is grief.
Grief in life when there is pain for ourselves and those we love cannot be avoided. It is part of living. But it is normal for us to grieve when we see a loved one in pain.
I hope this will help you to manage something you never wanted for your hubby and cannot change. I am so very sorry.
By the time my mother developed dementia, all she did was complain. I dealt with her for one phone call a day and redirected her complaining to another subject. Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. Although it doesn't sound like DH is very far along with his, using computers etc. Encourage him to make friends at the AL and participate in the activities. Take him to dinner or lunch when you visit, and bring him snacks he enjoys.
But most of all, give him time to adjust. It takes time for most. Don't place unnecessary guilt on yourself for his health situation and not being able to leave him alone at home any longer. Getting old is tough for all of us.
Good luck to you.
You did not cause this, you didn't make your husband ill or old, so there is no place for guilt. Literally some things just can't be fix. It 😞 sucks I know!! You did your job, husband is safe, that is the best we can do at times such as this. Much of this I suspect is grief, grieving the loss of the man you once new, and desperately wanting that back. I think it's easier if you call it what it is grief and let go of the guilt.
🫂💞🫂💞, my deepest sympathy to you. I so truly understand what you are feeling, my husband just had a major health scare, but things all worked out, this time,!
I know, I know, it sounds selfish... but along with these other posts, it has value. God Bless You...
It has been over a year. Her condition has declined more. They take wonderful care of her. I am physically compromised with conditions. The guilt has passed, but now it is sadness at the loss of my mom, who she used to be. Now she has been replaced by a shell that once contained who she was. No matter what, she will always be mom. I know her even though she doesn't remember me sometimes.
So understand that your guilt is natural. Reassure yourself that he is in a good place and being cared for. THAT is your job, and you are doing it.
Sending you hugs and grace.
Please take care of yourself and find things to do that you enjoy. Make sure you continue to see friends often. It's a long road!
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