My husband was diagnosed with dementia last year. He is very frail and often falls. I was not able to help him up and ended up calling the fire department. He would mess up his medication, not taking it, or doubling on some of the RX. I became the target of his frustrations, and I always worried about what kind of mood he was going to be in upon my arrival. He is 15 years my senior, and I am still working. When coming home, he often told me he hadn't eaten the whole day.
His physician suggested assisted living, as well as his family. We moved him there over a week ago, but he refuses to do anything other than stay in his room and watch TV. His meals are delivered to his room, and he complains because they are cold. We took everything familiar to him, including his books, computer, etc. He keeps emailing me and telling me how miserable he is, that he hates everything about that place, that he misses our home, etc. The place is nice, clean, warm, and the staff are great!
One more thing, he drinks wine every evening. Dinner is very early at the facility 4:30pm and he likes to have cheese and wine before dinner. The problem is that he has been drinking more since he has been there. We are planning to have the wine delivered to his room instead of having a bottle available. We are just trying to make small changes at a time.
I know he is safe and he is being taken care of, but I feel so guilty because he is miserable! How can I feel get rid of this guilt?
You did not cause this, you didn't make your husband ill or old, so there is no place for guilt. Literally some things just can't be fix. It 😞 sucks I know!! You did your job, husband is safe, that is the best we can do at times such as this. Much of this I suspect is grief, grieving the loss of the man you once new, and desperately wanting that back. I think it's easier if you call it what it is grief and let go of the guilt.
🫂💞🫂💞, my deepest sympathy to you. I so truly understand what you are feeling, my husband just had a major health scare, but things all worked out, this time,!
By the time my mother developed dementia, all she did was complain. I dealt with her for one phone call a day and redirected her complaining to another subject. Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. Although it doesn't sound like DH is very far along with his, using computers etc. Encourage him to make friends at the AL and participate in the activities. Take him to dinner or lunch when you visit, and bring him snacks he enjoys.
But most of all, give him time to adjust. It takes time for most. Don't place unnecessary guilt on yourself for his health situation and not being able to leave him alone at home any longer. Getting old is tough for all of us.
Good luck to you.
Guilt requires causation and requires a refusal to fix things out of evil intent.
That's not appropriate to this situation.
You didn't cause and can't fix this.
The correct word is grief.
Grief in life when there is pain for ourselves and those we love cannot be avoided. It is part of living. But it is normal for us to grieve when we see a loved one in pain.
I hope this will help you to manage something you never wanted for your hubby and cannot change. I am so very sorry.
i would get there at dinner time or evening meal and say no we are not eating in your room
and you bring something - even a cup of tea to join him
The longer he’s allowed not to mix the harder it’s going to get to mix
I wouldn’t t really agree hi I g someone struggling to cope with life’s challenges alcohol
I think you need to get a bit more involved around meal times and join him
he hasn’t settled in there and needs help to integrate
maybe speak to head there and ask or suggestions
Maybe there’s someone at the centre they could invite for tea n biscuit with him
Maybe your dad hold a tea welcome party to meet people
he may just gel with someone there
good luck
Ps. if your dad is increasing his alcohol to cope it may be worth speaking to his doctor about a temp help
as for the cold? I think you should speak to head there about his room. Temperature and agree a portable heater or something
all that said - maybe this particular facility isn’t a good fit for him
After a couple of weeks, speak to the management to see if he was placed appropriately.
I know, I know, it sounds selfish... but along with these other posts, it has value. God Bless You...
It has been over a year. Her condition has declined more. They take wonderful care of her. I am physically compromised with conditions. The guilt has passed, but now it is sadness at the loss of my mom, who she used to be. Now she has been replaced by a shell that once contained who she was. No matter what, she will always be mom. I know her even though she doesn't remember me sometimes.
So understand that your guilt is natural. Reassure yourself that he is in a good place and being cared for. THAT is your job, and you are doing it.
Sending you hugs and grace.
As for the wine, if he's not an alcoholic, he's certainly headed for it. Delivering the wine to his room where he has it readily available enables him to skip ever more willingly along a boozy pathway that will not benefit him. Don't do this!
Stop having meals delivered to his room. He needs to be around people no matter how much he wants to avoid them. He can't make friends under his current plan. He won't participate willingly unless there's a reason, such as interaction.
Since he wasn't in a good mood before he went there, how is it that you think it is your fault that he's not in a good mood now? He's just going to go on being grumpy, but it's not your fault. He's where he needs to be. Accept that and help him to understand that where he is now is home.
My husband is in a memory care unit. Socialization has been the best mood lifter for him. His friends are in no better cognitive shape than he is, but they support each other and enjoy each other. If they'd all been allowed to hide in their rooms, these friendships wouldn't have developed.
Please take care of yourself and find things to do that you enjoy. Make sure you continue to see friends often. It's a long road!
Can you adjust your work schedule to make more time available to spend with him? I would go in the afternoon, have wine and cheese with him, have dinner with him, and go to the community dining or socializing areas with him to help him integrate and meet some new friends. Can you spend a night or two there on the weekends?
You have split up - living in separate homes. He probably would like to spend more time with you in his life.
It is ok for you both to feel a little grief at this change in your lives. But, it is not something for you to feel guilty about. He is safe and comfortable. He's just lonely.
Guilt is not an easy emotion to understand, process, deal with - give yourself a lot of time / latitude to get through it.
It is important for you to remember that this is all NEW to him ...
He WILL act out - likely due to dementia - and / or depression, overwhelm, anxiety, feeling miserable
This is due to his being out of control of his own life ... to losing his ability to function as he used to ...
He is now just about TOTALLY dependant on others.
Guilt____________
From experience with this and every other feeling, the only way out is through.
Do not 'try' to push guilt away. Invite it is to explore it. Only by confronting how you feel can you process through it. When you feel xxx, you can respond (to yourself) "I am doing my absolute best ... I feel deep compassion for him, and myself" ... so, you give yourself positive (responses) messaging when you are aware of experiencing / feel the (awful) feelings associated with guilt. In addition, you are in the process of GRIEVING his decline. You are losing the husband you knew ... give yourself a lot of self-empathy.
I doubt there is one of us here that doesn't 'go to' / feel guilt over something with a loved one - with the "why didn't I's?" ... I'm still doing that with my mother who died in 1997. We all have the "I wish I did" ... however, we ALL do the absolute best we can in the moment. If we could have done differently / better, we would have.
When you feel bad when with him, leave for a few minutes.
Be aware to NOT WANT OR TRY to fix him. You cannot.
He must go through whatever he needs to go through.
Yes, it seems reasonable to me that he'd want to drink MORE WINE.
He wants to numb out the misery he feels.
The 'best' you can do is: take care of yourself. Give yourself a lot of compassion as this is AS HARD on YOU as it is on him. Treat yourself well - health wise (meditate, exercise, eat well, have that glass of wine with dinner) and mentally/physically: get out and socialize - do what helps you feel better whatever that might be: be with friends, go to the park, take a warm bath. Consider short term therapy / therapist. Call Alz / Dementia Association for support. See if there is a local support group for caregiver spouses locally.
And, the best you can do for your husband, I believe is:
TO BE THERE TO LISTEN.
Period. He needs to get his frustration, anger, sadness, out and needs a sounding board.
You respond with (reflective listening): "Yes, I hear you saying that you feel xxx"
You do not talk logic or try to 'fix him' by saying "you are safe(r) here ... you need xxx help. This logic won't help him. It may (likely) frustrate him more.
Take time outs as you need to. Most importantly, take care of yourself. This is a very difficult time for you, too.
Gena / Touch Matters
But you need to know that your husband is safer and much better taken care of in memory care where professionals can give him the care he needs. His health and meds will be closely monitored. He won’t fall and if he does help is right there. He’ll have
eyes on him all the time.
he’ll have exercise activities and lots socializing… not like at home where he basically has tv for company.
make sure you visit alot … bring him treats… take him restaurant/car rides/picnics whatever .
You cannot duplicate all that at home !
that illness only goes one way .. everything gets worse but he’s safe and well cared for and you’re less worn out and stressed knowing that !
there are no perfect solutions and guilt is what we all deal with !
best of luck
AlvaDeer's wisdom, which you will also read in other answers (I love how wisdom shared also grows), will help you if you let it. You're not guilty, but you are sad.
There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine with food. Any more and your husband could become dependent, or the alcohol could interfere with medication, but the biggest issue is falls. I think you're right to try and limit this.
I would buy a small carafe, and small measure wine glasses. If the carafe is filled with enough for a large glass of wine, so there's enough for the small glass to get a top up, your husband may be less likely to feel that he is being treated like a child, or that he has lost all control of how he lives. That matters now, while he still has some self-identity and he is adjusting to his new circumstances.
Alcohol is a depressant, so only a little is better for his mood. If he hasn't been prescribed an antidepressant, I think it's crucial that happens quickly. Your husband can't reason and he can't regulate his mood and feelings. He needs help with that. He's been using alcohol recently, and that seems good at first but isn't effective at all.
When you start visiting, say you'd like to join him for lunch or dinner in the dining room. If there are activities, say you would like to do something. He needs encouragement.
Wishing you all the best with this transition. It's not only your husband who needs to adjust.
But, it will take time for him to adjust. For some people, they can adapt more quickly than others, and for others, it takes more time, especially with the added dementia factor involved. When my mother ended up in hospice at age 95 and needed full time care, I felt guilty even though, as an only child and her only family member, I didn't have the capacity, ability, knolwedge or experience to help her during thost final days. It is natural to feel guilty because they are our parent, our spouse, our family member. But at some point we have to step asice and let others help.
One thought I had was that your husband likes his wine - and it surprised me to read that the facility allowed alcohol at all - drug interactions, losing their balance, increasing depression. But, since they do, and since it seems it isn't helping your husband to adjust, could you possibly have the alcohol based wine changed our for non-alcoholic wine? And have glasses of that delivered instead of giving him the bottle? Of course, at an added cost for you but it could mitigate the side effects of the real thing.
Depending on your husband, it might take time for your husband to adjust and it will be a gradual adjustment - over days, weeks, even months. My mother hated the AL living environment and made everyone's - and I mean everyone's life miserable, including her own. After a while, the staff or other residents didn't enjoy interacting with her - which, of course, made things even worse for her. Then again, I have seen others be totally resistant to such an environment but eventually adapt and adjust and finally, even enjoy it.
Perhaps also, limiting interactions with your husband might help his adjustment. Your presence, contact are real time reminders of what he had and could hinder moving forward.